Somebody make it stop! Somebody shut them up! Just make it all end \u2026 Oh, sorry, it\u2019s over? I couldn\u2019t tell, because I was too busy banging my head repeatedly against the seat rest to notice. Wow. Just, wow. This is a trial. \u201cWould you like to go on a big, bold, beautiful journey?\u201d asks the magical sat-nav voiced by Jodie Turner-Smith early on in this abomination. \u201cWell,\u201d she doesn\u2019t answer. \u201cIf you do, I\u2019m afraid you\u2019ve come to the wrong movie!\u201d <\/p>\n
This is, instead, star-laden soul torture that somehow wastes the combined efforts of Margot Robbie, Colin Farrell, Kevin Kline and Phoebe Waller-Bridge. I know! You could almost plonk that charismatic foursome in a room together and shoot them sipping coffee, clipping their toenails or just breathing and it would still have some cinematic value.<\/p>\n
But here Hollywood has found a way to neutralise the talent with a script so leaden (courtesy of The Menu writer Seth Reiss) and direction so saccharine (from After Yang film-maker Kogonada) that you may never want to see another Robbie or Farrell turn again. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Read more film reviews, guides about what to watch and interviews<\/a><\/p>\n The story concerns, heeeruugggh (sorry, dry retching), magical doors that allow naval-gazing dullards and potential paramours David (Farrell) and Sarah (Robbie) to step into unremarkable episodes from their tedious past lives and there learn the wildly uninteresting childhood reasons for why, in adult life, they can\u2019t stop saying incessant turgid piffle such as, \u201cThe most beautiful places make you feel the most alone.\u201d And, \u201cI want to believe that it\u2019s possible to share a life.\u201d And, \u201cI wake up in the morning and I\u2019m about as empty as I\u2019ve ever been.\u201d Oh, shut up, moany berks! Go for a walk! Do some volunteering! <\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t help that Farrell and Robbie have zero chemistry. Like freezing. Just above absolute zero. In their \u201cbig scene\u201d, when David stares at Sarah and says, \u201cI see you Sarah. I see you!\u201d it\u2019s like watching a serial killer threatening his next victim. Run Sarah! Run! I wish I had. Two-for-one cinema tickets at Everyman<\/p>\n Make Wednesday your go-to cinema day. Each month Times+ members can bring a friend for free at Everyman on a Wednesday. The perfect cinema experience with plush sofas, a full bar and great food. Visit mytimesplus.co.uk<\/a> to find out more.<\/p>\n
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15, 109min
In cinemas from Sep 19<\/p>\n