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\n \u201cEverybody here is crazy. We\u2019re all making each other insane. We all need to go for a walk. It\u2019s like we\u2019re at one big Thanksgiving dinner, and all of us need to go outside and go for a walk!\u201d
\n Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo: Getty Images\n <\/p>\n
The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved comedian<\/a> to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you\u2019ll learn about Will Arnett, the actor, comedian, and Smartless<\/a> podcaster best known for playing iconic roles like Gob Bluth in Arrested Development<\/a> and BoJack Horseman<\/a> in the eponymous animated series. He co-wrote and stars in the Bradley Cooper\u2013directed Is This Thing On?<\/a>, which premieres October 10 at the New York Film Festival. <\/p>\n I don\u2019t generally eat anything before bed, but, stupidly, I\u2019ll usually drink sparkling water.<\/p>\n It would have no political bent. It wouldn\u2019t tell people what to do. It would be much more focused on people loving each other and more about people connecting with each other in a real way and being kind to each other.<\/p>\n I can wish list this, huh? I\u2019m going to start manifesting in real time. Obviously, my friends at Loro Piana, Rolex \u2026 Listen, I have very highfalutin tastes. In a very selfish, self-serving way, it would be those things. What else? My friends over at NetJets, let\u2019s say. All the most high-roller nice things, you know? Why not reach for the stars?<\/p>\n I don\u2019t think that I have one. Maybe \u2014 this is going to sound corny \u2014 not being loved?<\/p>\n A lot. I feel like I finally, at 55 years old, have a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be than ever before. I\u2019ve had the most enlightening spiritual experience in the last year. I\u2019m just much more comfortable with who I am today. That comfort came through exploration, willingness, and surrendering old ideas about who I am, and it\u2019s allowed a lot of stuff to come into my life. It\u2019s allowed love to come into my life in a real way. That comes through self-reflection, it comes through love of my kids, it comes through all these things. I don\u2019t know if people around me could tell or not, but I think that I do get that back from my friends. I\u2019ve let a lot of stuff go in the last year. I believe that something bigger is playing out in the universe at all times, and I feel much more connected to that.<\/p>\n You mean quite literally the last thing I just read? I just got an email from Wrangler: \u201c25 percent off denim plus free shipping ends soon.\u201d That\u2019s at the top of my inbox. So, by the way, get on that.<\/p>\n What text message did I get? Let\u2019s see. One of my sons just said to my ex-wife and me, \u201cCan you guys send me yearbook photos? I think they sent them.\u201d I\u2019m also reading Beautiful World, Where Are You, by Sally Rooney. It\u2019s so good! I\u2019ve had a slower book year than last year. In 2024, I read 26 books, and this year I think I\u2019m only at six. It\u2019s just been a bit busier this year, and I was working a lot, so it was tough at night to read because I was just too tired.<\/p>\n I\u2019m going to tell you right now. Don\u2019t go anywhere. [Scrolling on computer.] I want to get it right so bad. Where did I get it? This is so not worth it. Come on, internet! You claim to be so good! Oh! I thought it was going to be this book by Carl Jung, but you know what it was? It was a used copy of Christiane F: Autobiography of a Girl of the Streets and Heroin Addict. Remember that movie, Christiane F.? David Bowie did the music, and he\u2019s actually in it, about these street kids and heroin addicts in West Berlin? Anyway, a used copy of that book.<\/p>\n Probably a friend of mine, Mike. We had a difference of opinion. I get when people have a difference of opinion on whatever subject, but if you\u2019re not willing to entertain the other person to see where the other person is coming from and why it is that they formed that opinion, then we\u2019re fucked. As I said that, I was like, Jesus. Playing out in the macro much?\u00a0<\/p>\n Here\u2019s the other thing: I tried to come from the high road. My buddy, Jimmy Vallely, used to always call it \u201cthe high-road handshake\u201d when you come from way above. I have to be careful when I think I\u2019m right to not be too strident. So when I say that, I have to apply that to myself.<\/p>\n Despair.<\/p>\n Yeah, I have a lot. I am, beyond my wildest dreams, wealthy with friends. Truly. Next to being a parent and finding love, it\u2019s all up there in that same category that\u2019s above anything else sort of worldly. I have really great friends whom I love and who love me, and for that I am incredibly grateful. That word gets thrown around a lot, but it\u2019s true. I feel very fortunate in that way.<\/p>\n The Bourne Identity movies, and I want to be the guy who finally beats Jason Bourne, so I could fight Matt. But if this is a real possibility, you\u2019ve got to give me some time. I\u2019m 55, so it\u2019s going to take me a little bit longer to get in that kind of Bourne shape. I\u2019ll fake it, too. I\u2019m not averse to a body double. I want to do one of those things where my character has to sprint for like a quarter-mile \u2014 full sprint \u2014 with a weapon, but not breaking a sweat, you know what I mean? The eyes stay completely focused; he\u2019s barely breathing. And then he gets to the thing, and he\u2019s still not even huffing and puffing at all. That\u2019s the guy I want to be.<\/p>\n I hear myself saying \u201cuhhh\u201d or \u201cum,\u201d and I\u2019d love to cut that out.\u00a0It\u2019s a real sign of weakness. I find it \u2014 not in other people, just in myself \u2014 despicable.<\/p>\n One of my kids, probably. I think maybe a lot of parents think this about their kids, but my kids have great outlooks on life. They\u2019re pretty positive, and they come up with interesting ideas and thoughts out of left field all the time, and sometimes I\u2019m like, How did you get to that? I\u2019d love to know what that process was. I know I probably should say \u201cEinstein\u201d or something like that, but I don\u2019t want to be mired in some fucking avalanche of numbers and equations. That would be maddening and, frankly, boring.<\/p>\n Indulging in ice cream and hot fudge twice in three days. That\u2019s a true story. I allowed myself one; I\u2019m very disciplined in that way. Then, last night, at a friend\u2019s dinner, they brought out like eight different kinds of ice cream on a tray and a sort of gravy boat filled with hot fudge. And they put it in front of me, which I thought was rude, insinuating that I was the only one who wanted it. And I fucking went crazy, and I woke up this morning feeling a major sugar hangover. I had to remind myself that it was delicious. But I\u2019m feeling it today.<\/p>\n The ability to let other family members\u2019 remarks roll off their back. I think that, for too long, I would let my historical experience shape my reaction to stuff, and I do see other family members have the ability to move past that, where I\u2019ll let it push buttons. I\u2019d love to be able to disconnect the buttons.<\/p>\n I started off quite blond when I was little, then brown. Then there was a moment there where it was dyed a little bit blond again for a couple years. It started out for a job, then I think I probably fudged it for a couple years and convinced myself I was still doing it for a job, but I wasn\u2019t really. I looked really dumb. Really just two, I guess.<\/p>\n Portugal. I\u2019ve been spending a little bit of time there, and I love Portugal. It\u2019s a beautiful country, and the people are amazing. I love their approach to life. Even though they\u2019re Portuguese, you can still apply the French term joie de vivre that they seem to have. They appreciate family. You go over there, and you\u2019re reminded when you walk around and talk to people: Everybody\u2019s not crazy like they are here! Everybody here is crazy. We\u2019re all making each other insane. We all need to go for a walk. It\u2019s like we\u2019re at one big Thanksgiving dinner, and all of us need to go outside and go for a walk!<\/p>\n Patience. I remember this friend of mine told me once she had a disagreement with somebody else, somebody she was working with. She called her father and said, \u201cI don\u2019t know if I can work with this person because they\u2019re so tough to work with, and they\u2019re so disagreeable.\u201d And her father said to her, \u201cHow will you ever learn patience if you don\u2019t have someone to teach you?\u201d I was like, Whoa. That story has stuck with me for 15 years, and I try to, when I can \u2014 and some days, I\u2019m better than others \u2014 remember that when I\u2019m dealing with people, the idea that they\u2019re your guru or whatever: Just try as much as you can to say, Okay, they\u2019re teaching me patience.<\/p>\n Nothing. And yes.<\/p>\n That\u2019s quasi-true. I haven\u2019t had anything other than coffee this morning, because I went to the dentist. Just got a little clean. Yesterday, I can tell you that I had about four scrambled eggs with some bacon. That\u2019s much more of a weekend breakfast. But most mornings, my regular breakfast is a banana, which I eat in parts, and I scoop out peanut butter with a spoon onto the banana.<\/p>\n [Laughs.] Other than that question? That\u2019s a hilarious question. I don\u2019t know. I find so much stuff funny. I know that that seems like a cop-out. Maybe I\u2019m stalling.<\/p>\n I think it\u2019s funny that we all act like we\u2019re not going to die. That\u2019s been occurring to me a little bit more lately. Everybody acts like they\u2019re going to live forever. We\u2019re all holding on to and protecting something instead of letting go.<\/p>\n Elon Musk is profoundly unfunny. Especially when he tries to be funny.<\/p>\n Group connection between people.<\/p>\n Being purposefully unkind and having a disregard for those who don\u2019t have the advantages you have and ignoring that or being blind to that. Or not even being blind \u2014\u00a0what\u2019s more cynical is knowing that exists and continuing to punch down. I find that to be particularly grotesque.<\/p>\n $19 billion.<\/p>\n Gangland murder, execution style.<\/p>\n JK. What is my most likely cause of death? Old age.<\/p>\n