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Is honesty really always the best policy? According to psychological research, there are some exceptions to this age-old rule when it comes to your partner.<\/p>\n
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Honesty is a virtue to live by, regardless of whether you\u2019re in a relationship. For couples, however, it can feel especially vital. Transparency and openness are often cited as the single most important things two partners can strive for; it\u2019s the supposed glue that holds everything else together. And in many ways, this is true. You can\u2019t build even half of a foundation of a healthy relationship without at least a baseline of honesty.<\/p>\n
That said, if complete, unwavering honesty<\/a> was indeed always the best policy, sayings like \u201csome things are better left unsaid\u201d wouldn\u2019t have survived generations. The truth is that not all honesty is as helpful as we think it is, and, in a similar vein, not all silence is as deceitful<\/a> as we\u2019ve been led to believe. <\/p>\n Research increasingly suggests that knowing when not to speak can sometimes preserve connection much more safely than brutal honesty ever could. In some scenarios, choosing kindness and tact over \u201ctelling it like it is\u201d will serve both you and your partner much, much better.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s what\u2019s perfectly okay to keep to yourself in a relationship, according to psychological research.<\/p>\n 1. Bodily Changes<\/p>\n It might feel natural for you to point out a change you\u2019ve recently noticed in your partner\u2019s body. Bringing the bit of weight they\u2019ve gained, the few new wrinkles they\u2019ve developed or the breakout that wasn\u2019t there before to their attention might even seem like a kindness \u2014 like you\u2019re helping them look after themselves. After all, we\u2019re told that honesty is part of caring: if you see something, say something. <\/p>\n But when it comes to comments about your partner\u2019s body, even well-intentioned observations can come across as nitpicking.<\/p>\n According to research<\/a> published in Family, Systems, & Health, around 55% of individuals will leave a conversation about their weight with their romantic partner feeling worse about themselves. Note that this finding was also irrespective of how the conversation was initially framed. <\/p>\n In other words, whether the comment is gentle (\u201cYou\u2019ve filled out a little lately\u201d), joking (\u201cSomeone\u2019s been enjoying their dessert!\u201d) or supposedly supportive (\u201cHey, maybe we should start working out together\u201d), the result is still likely to be the same: insecurity, self-consciousness and shame.<\/p>\n Nine times out of ten, whatever change you\u2019ve noticed will not be news to your partner. They live in their body every day of their life, so if you\u2019ve noticed it, then they\u2019ve almost certainly already noticed it, too. <\/p>\n In long-term relationships, physical changes are inevitable. Different seasons of life will beget differences in our bodies: weight fluctuations, gray hairs, looser skin. It\u2019s human, and it\u2019s to be expected. Unfortunately, however, mainstream beauty standards have taught us to view these changes as flaws, rather than pieces of evidence of life unfolding. <\/p>\n For this reason, by drawing attention to a change you\u2019ve noticed , even in the kindest, most casual manner, your partner is still likely to interpret it through that same harsh lens.<\/p>\n So, the next time you catch yourself about to mention a change in your partner\u2019s body, pause. Ask yourself whether what you\u2019re about to say is truly kind. And, more importantly, assess whether or not it\u2019s truly necessary. If, instead, it\u2019s just something you\u2019ve been conditioned to point out then, chances are, your comment won\u2019t be as constructive as you intend it to be.<\/p>\n Because, in reality, those \u201cimperfections\u201d may just tell a lovely story. A little bit of weight gained might simply reflect the comfort and joy of the meals you\u2019ve shared together, made with love. Stretch marks represent your growth together \u2014 whether into adulthood, parenthood or simply a new chapter of life. And wrinkles are a map of every smile, laugh and late-night conversation you\u2019ve shared together.<\/p>\n 2. Unconstructive Criticism<\/p>\n Contrary to what romcoms and love stories might tell you, it\u2019s totally normal to have a couple things that you don\u2019t particularly like about your partner. They may be wonderful and loving in every other way \u2014 except for, perhaps, the way they handle stress, their tendency to procrastinate, the friends they keep or some of their lifestyle choices you think aren\u2019t the best for them. <\/p>\n You might, on the odd occasion or on a particularly hard day, feel tempted to make your dislike for these things known to them. You might even believe that the principle of honesty in your relationship demands it of you. However, there\u2019s a very fine line between being helpfully honest and being needlessly critical.<\/p>\n If what you plan to tell them doesn\u2019t come from a place of genuine desire to help your partner better themselves or their ways, then there\u2019s little to no chance that it will come across as constructive. <\/p>\n For instance, you might think that saying, \u201cYou always waste money on things you don\u2019t need,\u201d or, \u201cYou really shouldn\u2019t eat that, it\u2019s so unhealthy,\u201d will lead them to make better choices. But in your partner\u2019s eyes, it\u2019s probable that they simply see it as you attacking them, rather than as a useful insight.<\/p>\n