{"id":232717,"date":"2025-10-29T20:51:12","date_gmt":"2025-10-29T20:51:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/232717\/"},"modified":"2025-10-29T20:51:12","modified_gmt":"2025-10-29T20:51:12","slug":"how-nicole-kidman-lily-allen-and-i-get-our-revenge","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/232717\/","title":{"rendered":"How Nicole Kidman, Lily Allen and I get our revenge"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s been quite the week for revenge. First it was the singer Lily Allen and her \u201crevenge album\u201d<\/a>, with its tell-all tracks about the alleged behaviour of her now ex-husband, and then it was Nicole Kidman who \u201cstunned in a revenge dress\u201d at a Vogue event after the \u201cshock split\u201d from her husband. <\/p>\n

I get it. I\u2019m an easy-going person as a rule, and I can\u2019t tolerate confrontation, conflict, bad feeling, anything like that. I\u2019m all about geniality, in other words. But you mess with me, betray me, scorn me in any way and, my God, will you certainly know about it. <\/p>\n

I come into my own then. I may even \u2014 and please do take this as a warning \u2014 be slightly less genial should we encounter each other again. And you will know about that unless you don\u2019t notice, in which case you won\u2019t know about it at all. I\u2019m not going to excuse it. It\u2019s just how my anger rolls. <\/p>\n

\u2022 Watch: How Princess Diana got revenge on Charles with one dress<\/a><\/p>\n

Being \u201cslightly less genial\u201d is not a science. It\u2019s an art. It can come down to the slightest narrowing of the eyes. It can come down to appearing as friendly as ever, but for a split second there, did you see a frown line? <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t blame me if you don\u2019t pick up on \u201cslightly less genial\u201d and go away thinking all is tickety-boo. The signs were there. I wouldn\u2019t be momentarily frowning otherwise. This slight narrowing of the eyes, you imagine I did that for my own amusement? I did once consider upping my game to \u201calmost discernibly frosty\u201d, but then decided you can take these things too far. There\u2019s a limit. I\u2019m not a monster. <\/p>\n

Still, don\u2019t mess with me. Don\u2019t. You will live to regret it on the off chance you\u2019re ever any the wiser. My old friend Jane messed with me once and would have lived to regret it had she detected it. We go for a walk every week and one week I almost didn\u2019t. I think that told her where I stood. <\/p>\n

The guy in the corner shop, he once sold me a bag of rice that was mouldy and get this: I even considered taking it back and demanding a refund. That\u2019s how \u201cslightly less genial\u201d I can be, when pushed. <\/p>\n

\u2022 Read more from Deborah Ross<\/a><\/p>\n

I think maybe I did mention it later and I didn\u2019t mince my words. I said: \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it, these things happen. Nobody died!\u201d I made quite a scene, I\u2019m not proud to say. I did think about a raw, vulnerable tell-all album with the title track Your Rice, Ahmed, Is Not Very Nice , but again, a step too far. It might have taken us into the \u201calmost discernibly frosty\u201d zone, heaven forbid. <\/p>\n

On to the \u201crevenge dress<\/a>\u2019\u2019. There\u2019s not much I don\u2019t know about a \u201crevenge dress\u201d. It\u2019s true, I don\u2019t own a designer, black, body-hugging, off-the-shoulder number with a split going up to the waist. Who does?<\/p>\n

So let me tell you about the next best thing. Let me tell you what works for me and what works for me, particularly in instances of heartbreak, is putting on my favourite joggers (Slazenger; fluffy lined; purple) and crying in bed all day. That\u2019s not an empty threat. I will cry in bed all day. I\u2019ve done it before; I\u2019ll do it again. Should I tip off Hello! and the Daily Mail? So he knows what he\u2019s missing out on? <\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing like seeing someone all red-nosed and snot-streaked to remind them of what they\u2019ve lost. My joggers, by the way, do not have splits up to the waist but do have elasticated cuffs at the ankle, which is a sexy design feature. <\/p>\n

I get them cheaply from Sports Direct (\u00a313, or two for \u00a320), but be warned: they come up very big. Mine are a size 10, but I can pull them up to under my armpits. Wear nothing underneath, pull them up and, voil\u00e0, an off-the-shoulder get-up! Fit for a Vogue event!* <\/p>\n

Bet he\u2019ll be kicking himself then. And if he does come running back, remember: you\u2019ve earned the right to be \u201cslightly less genial\u201d in ways that will entirely pass him by. You could hide one of his socks for about an hour. Something like that. <\/p>\n

(*Slave Nephew says it makes me look like Tweedledum. I was nearly cold to him for nearly ten minutes.) <\/p>\n

Why dogs can\u2019t clock off at 5pm<\/p>\n

Have you, this week, been explaining daylight saving time to your dog? How did it go? Yes, Trixie, your dinner is usually at 6pm, but now 6pm is 5pm. Listen, Trixie, no amount of banging your bowl is going to make a difference. Oh, you\u2019ve gone in for the pitiful crying now. Great. Can\u2019t you do something else for an hour? Why not search for the sock that no one will ever spot is missing? <\/p>\n

How do dogs know when it\u2019s 6pm? Or should be? No one can explain fully. Circadian rhythms? Routine? The ebb and flow of certain smells? I did see a documentary on dogs once where this dog would climb on the back of the sofa and look out of the window at the exact time its master was due back from work.<\/p>\n

\u2022 My dog\u2019s pilates class has given him the core strength of a Beckham<\/a><\/p>\n

That was the dissipation of smell. You leave your smell when you exit the house and the smell gets weaker and weaker until it gets to the point where the dog registers: \u201cIt is at just the right weakness for my master to be coming home! I\u2019m so excited, you\u2019ve no idea!\u201d <\/p>\n

They tested this by getting the owner to run in the same clothes every day for a week and then left the clothes behind the sofa. The dog did not react at the usual time. The scent was too strong. <\/p>\n

Anyway, I hope you were able to explain to your dog and that it used that extra hour wisely. Maybe not searching for that sock, assuming you\u2019ve already put it back? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"It\u2019s been quite the week for revenge. First it was the singer Lily Allen and her \u201crevenge album\u201d,…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":232718,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[6491,96,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-232717","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-celebrities","tag-celebrities","tag-entertainment","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/232717","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=232717"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/232717\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/232718"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=232717"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=232717"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=232717"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}