What should be done about the BBC? I have a few ideas. Hopefully the BBC, which has its hands full, reporting on the BBC, will make the time to listen. <\/p>\n
I come at this as a viewer who pays the licence fee. Always have done, always will, otherwise it\u2019s those vans that come in the middle of the night to abduct you. I wouldn\u2019t wish to be among the licence-fee \u201cdisappeared\u201d. If the BBC wants to improve and become great again, here\u2019s what a viewer thinks it needs to hear.<\/p>\n
Hang on to Claudia Winkleman, whatever the cost. Give her what she wants and also a puppy. Bob Mortimer and his \u201cpocket meat\u201d must be on the next series of The Celebrity Traitors and also, one hopes, Mary Berry, who has terrific fart-in-the-hut potential. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Traitors\u2019 Joe Marler: I got \u00a330k. We weren\u2019t all paid the same<\/a><\/p>\n Pep up Antiques Roadshow with some honest talking. \u201cIt\u2019s worthless, clear off.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve kept the box \u2026 It\u2019s in mint condition.\u2019\u2019 \u201cAnd I\u2019ve got a lot of other crap to appraise before lunch.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll never sell it. It\u2019s of great sentimental value.\u201d \u201cCry me a river, elderly lady. Cry me a river.\u201d <\/p>\n As for The Repair Shop, you must never splice together two different bits of what the teddy lady says to make it look as if she\u2019s inciting violence, because that would be deeply unprofessional, abhorrent and unforgivable.<\/p>\n Ditch BBC3 and BBC4. You don\u2019t want to attract young people. They piggyback their parents\u2019 licence fee and never pay their way. If you want to \u201cdisappear\u201d them, feel free, and it\u2019ll save me from having to collect the mugs from their room. <\/p>\n Concentrate all resources on the two other channels and iPlayer. Never call time on Sambre: Anatomy of a Crime on iPlayer. This French true crime drama is the best exploration of sexual violence (and its aftermath) that there\u2019s ever been. Everyone should watch it. <\/p>\n When Jeremy Clarkson comes to you, pay attention, and don\u2019t say: \u201cThis farming idea is not for us, loser, but good luck elsewhere.\u201d Get it into your thick heads that \u201cpregnant people\u201d are \u201cwomen\u201d and stop with the gaslighting. Keep David Attenborough, obviously, but might there be less predation? Don\u2019t show me a baby leopard if it\u2019s about to become toast. I can\u2019t bear it. And no more seal pups swimming close to the shoreline. You need to put a stop to that. <\/p>\n \u2022 Andy Wilman: how I survived being Jeremy Clarkson\u2019s best friend for 50 years<\/a><\/p>\n Make programmes shorter and dispense with the padding. Fake or Fortune?, the art provenance series, can be seriously interesting but I think we all know Fiona Bruce isn\u2019t spending hours poking about in archives and libraries. <\/p>\n Don\u2019t hand documentaries over to Hamas nepo babies if it can be helped, which it probably can. Bring back Blue Peter and that elephant. Ban \u201ccelebrity travelogues\u201d. Put Keeley Hawes in everything or, failing that, Sheridan Smith or, failing that, Sarah Lancashire. <\/p>\n Don\u2019t discipline an actual woman, who has a uterus and cervix and everything, for an eye roll. Keep firing creeps, but be sharpish about it. Dragon\u2019s Den and The Apprentice are so tired they can barely sit up. Get rid. Never wind up a show with: \u201cWe don\u2019t have time for the red chair this week.\u201d There must always be time for the red chair. Get Stacey Solomon to come sort my life out. I\u2019m around next Tuesday from 3pm.<\/p>\n What else? Don\u2019t lie to us. Only Alan Carr can lie and we\u2019re OK with it. If you can\u2019t revive Poldark, could you at least give us topless scything elsewhere? Gardeners\u2019 World would be a good fit. <\/p>\n You could slim down your over-the-top Glastonbury coverage by, say, cutting out any antisemitic rants. Just an idea. If you f*** up, say so, and learn from it, instead of going: \u201cBoo hoo, it\u2019s just that everyone is out to get us.\u201d <\/p>\n Never call time on Pride and Prejudice<\/a> (the Colin Firth one) on iPlayer as that\u2019s an annual watch and please, please do something about Jane Eyre<\/a> (the Ruth Wilson one), which has vanished (it\u2019s on next week \u2014 Ed). But, most importantly, give Winkleman whatever she wants, and a puppy, and a weekly subscription to Freddie\u2019s Flowers, plus it may be wise to arrange a monthly delivery of British cheeses. Neal\u2019s Yard would be good for this.<\/p>\n AI errors? These are the best<\/p>\n As we fear AI, and the loss of a human in the mix, you may find it consoling to know that ASR (automatic speech recognition, which is powered by AI and converts speech into written text) isn\u2019t there yet. I have made a study of this in recent weeks, while watching TV, and have been compiling a list of my favourite errors.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s begin with \u201cneurodivergent\u201d, which became \u201cnew old virgin\u201d. That is something to think about. Can you be a new old virgin? How would that be possible? I am not deaf but, if I were, what a confusing world it would be.<\/p>\n \u201cMorris dancers\u201d, meanwhile, is now \u201cMaurice Dancers\u201d, and I have to say, I took to Maurice straight away. I don\u2019t know why, but in my mind\u2019s eye I saw him as firm but fair, much beloved by his funny little troupe and their jangly bells. Maurice can bring his dancers round mine any time.<\/p>\n \u201cNarcissist\u201d became \u201cNazi cyst\u201d \u2014 I wouldn\u2019t be sympathetic if a Nazi had a cyst \u2014 while I don\u2019t know about Mr O\u2019Plasty\u2019s forename, but could it be Herni? Or Mamm? Have you spotted any you\u2019d like to share?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"What should be done about the BBC? I have a few ideas. 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\u201ccamomile tea\u201d became \u201cCome on me old tea\u201d. That does sound as if it could be a bona fide cockney expression. \u201cCome on, me old tea, let\u2019s cheer you up and go to the dogs.\u201d Or: \u201cCome on, me old tea, put your skates on, we\u2019ll be tardy for the bingo.\u201d However, I think my absolute favourite so far is \u201cangioplasty\u201d, which became? \u201cAngie O\u2019Plasty\u201d. As in: \u201cGood afternoon, Mr O\u2019Plasty, and is this your lovely wife, Angie?\u201d<\/p>\n