You would think we were in the final three months of a general election campaign, not three and a half years out. Everywhere you look there\u2019s a party leader giving a press conference. Demanding attention from a public that just wants to be given a break.<\/p>\n
Even the news channels are losing interest. Sending along a reporter more on the off-chance someone says something idiotic, than in any expectation of anyone committing hard news. Well, anything more idiotic than usual. This far out from an election we\u2019re just dealing in political fever dreams.<\/p>\n
On Tuesday morning it was the Tories and Reform fighting for airtime. Appearing simultaneously, and less than half a mile away from each other in central London.<\/p>\n
It was hard to escape the feeling this was Westminster talking to itself. Existential crises being played out in real time as pre-budget statements of little importance from Kemi Badenoch<\/a> and Nigel Farage. Imaginary numbers in front of an imaginary audience made up of imaginary friends.<\/p>\n Kemi\u2019s presser took place in a tiny annexe of the British Academy. There was barely enough room for three rows of chairs. The front row reserved for a smattering of shadow ministers, there under duress. Armed with instructions to nod vigorously and laugh and applaud in the right places. A thankless task as they couldn\u2019t even manage that. This was going to be an hour of their lives they would never get back. All out of some misplaced notion of duty.<\/p>\n Every day is a four-flag day for Kemi. She won\u2019t even appear for a selfie unless there is a minimum of four union jacks in the background. We live in a time of competitive patriotism. Satisfied that everything was in place, Kemi took the stage alongside the shadow chancellor, Mel Stride<\/a>. This was her chance to shine. #WinningAtLife.<\/p>\n \u201cRachel Reeves will tell you a story next week,\u201d she began. And this story would be of how Brexit, energy prices and Trump\u2019s trade tariffs had damaged the economy. But Kemi was here to let us know this was all fiction. None of this had ever happened.<\/p>\n It\u2019s curious how keen the Tories are to distance themselves from Brexit these days. It\u2019s like it was an embarrassing affair that took place a while ago that no one can now bring themselves to talk about. It is a form of derangement. A clinical psychosis.<\/p>\n The Tories had the answer. Rather than raising taxes, they would make \u00a347bn of savings off the welfare bill. First by keeping the two-child benefit cap \u2013 it was apparently very important for some children to fall into poverty as it would teach them to live within their means if they didn\u2019t die first \u2013 and then with various other benefit cuts that she couldn\u2019t bring herself to mention as that was all top secret and she hadn\u2019t yet found the back of an envelope on which to work out the numbers. All of which was code for she really didn\u2019t have a clue.<\/p>\n Next came Mel. The man with the demeanour of a downtrodden King Charles spaniel. Lovable but totally useless. He really should have been given a knighthood by Rishi Sunak for services to futility, in being the last person standing in the Tory party who could be persuaded to make a fool of himself on his boss\u2019s behalf at the last election.<\/p>\n Even Rishi had given up before Stride. Ideally, the Melster would have been put out to grass, but there appears to be no one better than him to act as shadow chancellor. Says it all really.<\/p>\n Mind you, it wasn\u2019t that hard being Mel, because his sole purpose was to repeat everything that Kemi had just said. The welfare budget was far too high, he said. Now let me think. Who was the work and pensions secretary on whose watch the benefits budget soared by 20% to record levels?<\/p>\n Let me think. Oh yes, it was the Melster himself. Mel, meet Mel. Sometimes you wonder if politicians think we were born yesterday. Their capacity for self-forgiveness is unparalleled. Amnesia is their greatest friend. But really there\u2019s no reason anyone should take anything Mel says about welfare seriously. The credibility gap is an abyss.<\/p>\n