Finding out she was pregnant was a “terrifying and exciting” moment for Lauren Caulfield, but pregnancy wasn’t an easy experience.\u00a0<\/p>\n
She struggled with her mental health and, after calling a crisis line, she was asked by a midwife, “why did you call them?” – leaving Lauren feeling uncomfortable about asking for help.\u202f\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
When she later suffered fatigue and needed blood tests, she found herself stuck between two hospitals, “and it all got very messy and disjointed”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Around 30 weeks pregnant, Lauren began to have concerns about her baby girl’s movements, but was told by midwives at the hospital to drink plenty of water.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
“I remember [her] words so clearly, ‘we always tell people about staying hydrated, but we don’t even have a chance to sit and have a drink, which is why we’ve always got UTIs'”.<\/p>\n
Lauren says the statement made her “withdraw even more” from accessing care, because she felt “such a burden to these people that I’m stopping them even getting the chance to have a break”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
During her appointment at 34 weeks, Lauren again raised issues about the size of her bump, but was dismissed and told everything was “fine”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
As her concerns grew, Lauren raised a flag again at 36 weeks.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lauren was excited when she found out she was pregnant<\/p>\n
Lauren was excited when she found out she was pregnant<\/p>\n
“I thought her movements were decreasing, and I was told again, by the midwife, ‘this is normal towards the end of pregnancy because there’s less room. Just keep an eye on it'”.\u202f\u202f\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lauren says she felt like she was “going crazy”, but convinced herself that as a first-time mum she should listen to “the professionals”.\u202f\u202f\u00a0<\/p>\n
With her baby due in just a few weeks, Lauren threw a baby shower and, in the early hours of the following morning, she went into labour and was taken to hospital.\u202f\u202f\u00a0<\/p>\n
Hours after her baby shower, Lauren went into labour<\/p>\n
Hours after her baby shower, Lauren went into labour<\/p>\n
After emitting a noise from contraction pain that sent nurses scurrying to find her a room, a midwife tried to find the baby’s heartbeat so it could be monitored.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
But she struggled to find anything. <\/p>\n
The midwives disappeared to find a doctor, and one came in with an ultrasound.\u00a0<\/p>\n
He told Lauren he could not find a heartbeat.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Being told a heartbeat could not be found was ‘pure horror’, says Lauren<\/p>\n
Being told a heartbeat could not be found was ‘pure horror’, says Lauren<\/p>\n
“The sounds that came out of me, I don’t even know if I could replicate them,” she says.\u202f\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
“It was just this moment of pure horror and pain and like nothing that is imaginable.”\u202f\u00a0<\/p>\n
Knowing she wasn’t going to give birth to a live baby, Lauren asked for a caesarean. The request was denied.\u00a0<\/p>\n
She pushed, “and next thing I had my partner at my side, and I was squeezing his hand, and that feeling of burning, a burning sensation, and that sensation is ingrained into my brain forever.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
She remembers seeing “red everywhere” and “just shouting at the midwives to give me my baby”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“They just wrapped her up in a towel and handed her to me, and she was still really warm. Just a full, beautiful baby. \u00a0<\/p>\n
Lauren and her husband with baby Grace<\/p>\n
Lauren and her husband with baby Grace<\/p>\n
“I\u00a0was looking at her, begging her to make just a sound.\u202fJust move her eyelids a bit. Just do something.”<\/p>\n
Lauren then had to hand baby Grace to her mother as her placenta had got stuck.\u00a0<\/p>\n
It took an hour and a half of agonising pain to deliver it – all of this without pain relief.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
“I should have been sent to theatre\u2026 all of these things made me feel ‘this is because my baby’s died.\u202fYou don’t care. You don’t care that I’m in pain… because my baby’s dead, I don’t matter'”.<\/p>\n
Lauren was moved to a bereavement suite.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lauren says the bereavement suite was ‘surreal’<\/p>\n
Lauren says the bereavement suite was ‘surreal’<\/p>\n
“There were certain things, like having to call the midwife to get our baby, instead of having her with us,” she says.\u202f”And her being very cold because they had to keep her in a fridge.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
“She just got colder and colder and started deteriorating, which was a horrible thing to see and experience.”<\/p>\n
Lauren tried to “make little memories” with Grace by reading to her and spending time with her.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Specialist bereavement midwives are available to help mums who have given birth to a stillborn child, but Lauren wasn’t offered one.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“In my head, I was prepared for changing nappies and feeding,” she says. \u00a0<\/p>\n
“Not how it works to take a dead child to your house. That wasn’t something I knew how to do.”\u202f\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lauren was not offered a specialist bereavement midwife<\/p>\n
Lauren was not offered a specialist bereavement midwife<\/p>\n
After three days, Lauren returned home without her daughter, and it took two weeks before a health visitor contacted Lauren to check on her.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Even though my body had still gone through the birth of a child… I wasn’t receiving any kind of care from anyone,” she says.<\/p>\n
“And I thought then, does it just stop? Does nobody at all check on you if your baby’s died?”<\/p>\n
After intense lobbying, an investigation eventually took place over several months to find out what had happened.<\/p>\n
“They came out months later with a massive document full of all the places where we’d been failed and all the things that contributed to Grace’s death,” Lauren says.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lauren says Grace’s death ‘derailed’ her<\/p>\n
Lauren says Grace’s death ‘derailed’ her<\/p>\n
She learned that Grace’s growth hadn’t been properly documented.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
“I felt quite vindicated because I’d been carrying the guilt that my body failed and this was my fault,” she says.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But they were never able to find out a single reason why Grace had died \u2013 and Lauren says it “derailed” her life.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“It was just loneliness of grieving so massively and nobody around me being able to understand what I was feeling,” she says.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Since then, Lauren has connected with families with shared experiences, and it has helped her as she can “openly say things to [them] that no one else around would ever understand”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lauren helps families suffering with baby loss<\/p>\n
Lauren helps families suffering with baby loss<\/p>\n
Lauren now campaigns for better maternity care, saying “we can’t keep accepting some women don’t get pain relief, or postnatal care, or are gaslit during their pregnancy”.<\/p>\n
She says she has dedicated her life to the cause because of Grace.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Her tiny little life had a huge purpose,” she says.\u202f<\/p>\n
“And it will continue to do so.”<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
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