{"id":341397,"date":"2025-12-29T18:25:11","date_gmt":"2025-12-29T18:25:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/341397\/"},"modified":"2025-12-29T18:25:11","modified_gmt":"2025-12-29T18:25:11","slug":"rebecca-gayheart-on-being-a-care-partner-to-eric-dane","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/341397\/","title":{"rendered":"Rebecca Gayheart on Being a \u2018Care Partner\u2019 to Eric Dane"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

I was in my closet the day I heard those three letters: ALS. Eric called me from the doctor\u2019s office in San Francisco; he\u2019d flown down to see a neurologist there. His symptoms started maybe a year prior. When we would have a meal with the kids, he\u2019d say things like, \u201cSomething\u2019s wrong with my hand.\u201d He was struggling to use his chopsticks, dropping his food. That was when he started seeing doctors. He was initially diagnosed with a few other things, but he had this sinking feeling that it was something more serious. And I was like, \u201cNo, it\u2019s not. I promise you it\u2019s not. I can feel this! It\u2019s gonna be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

When he told me that day, he just started weeping, as did I. It didn\u2019t feel real because he was still okay. I was here at home with my youngest daughter \u2014 my home, that I share with just the girls, since Eric and I separated in September 2017 \u2014 and I\u2019d gone into my closet to take the call, trying to be private. She was saying, \u201cMommy, what\u2019s wrong? What\u2019s wrong?\u201d I tried telling her, \u201cHoney, nothing. Everything\u2019s fine,\u201d because I couldn\u2019t process it. I didn\u2019t know all the details like I do now, but I knew enough about ALS<\/a> to know that there wasn\u2019t a cure.<\/p>\n

About a week after the initial shock, we decided to tell the kids. We wanted to have complete transparency and honesty with them. They\u2019re older now \u2014 Billie is 15 and Georgia is 14 \u2014 and I\u2019m a horrible liar. You can see right through me. So I asked a therapist, \u201cWhat is the best way to do this?\u201d We\u2019ve had a family therapist who we\u2019ve been working with since we separated, but I sought out professional help targeted toward teenage girls because it\u2019s such a formative time in their lives \u2014 they\u2019re trying to individuate while they\u2019re having to deal with this really huge loss and anticipatory grief. And she said, \u201cThe kids will let you know; they\u2019ll stop asking questions when they can\u2019t handle it anymore, when it\u2019s too much information.\u201d So we wanted to give them the opportunity to speak with his doctor, because they had a lot of questions that at that point I couldn\u2019t answer, and I don\u2019t even know if Eric could answer them. They\u2019ve talked to her, and they know that she\u2019s available at all times.<\/p>\n

The problem with this diagnosis is that there really isn\u2019t a road map. Someone can tell you, \u201cOkay, this is what you have, and you\u2019re having some weakness in your right arm,\u201d but what\u2019s to come? They can\u2019t really lay that out for you very well; instead, they\u2019re like, \u201cWe\u2019ll see you in three months.\u201d No matter how prepared you are, or how much I prepare the girls, or how much Eric prepares himself, he\u2019ll wake up one morning and there\u2019s something else that is an obstacle, or he\u2019s lost the ability to do one more thing \u2014 it just comes out of nowhere. It\u2019s a terrible, terrible disease. I think it took probably six months to wrap our heads around it and to realize what it actually meant and the changes that were starting to come pretty rapidly.<\/p>\n

Strangers started noticing that something was going on with him when he\u2019d be out and about. In March, for spring break, we decided to split up and have some alone time with the girls, each one of us. I did a mommy-daughter trip to Paris with Billie, and he took Georgia and her best friend on a trip as well. On that trip, he tripped and fell a few times; he was starting to lose his balance. One day, they were out on a boat to go snorkeling and decided to go swimming in the ocean. As he\u2019d later tell Diane Sawyer<\/a>, he \u201crealized I couldn\u2019t swim or generate enough power to get myself back to the boat.\u201d Our daughter had to help get him back on the boat.<\/p>\n

My phone kept ringing in the middle of the night because of the time-zone difference, and when I picked up, he had just gotten back on the boat. It was a pretty sad conversation: I was gutted hearing how upset he was. I was also scared; I wanted to make sure Georgia was okay \u2014 I was worried about all of them, to be honest with you. He was just so emotional \u2014 Eric played water polo, water\u2019s his thing \u2014 and I knew that it landed, it hit home. It was a big realization for him: This is actually happening.<\/p>\n

In April, he decided to share his diagnosis with the world<\/a>. He was losing his balance, he was dropping things, and we just didn\u2019t want people making up false stories out of any behavior they might see or speculating like, What\u2019s going on with him?\u00a0<\/p>\n

When Eric went public, so many people reached out to him, and to me, to express their support. His friends, family, co-workers really showed up. It was so loving and kind and generous that people wanted to share their resources and their contacts and their experiences. But I\u2019m not gonna lie, it was a little overwhelming. All the while, we were trying to figure out, Okay, should we try stem cells? Should we try exosomes? Should we try this treatment or that? But there\u2019s a handful of women who reached out to me who are either currently walking down a similar path as I am or have been through it that I never would\u2019ve connected with, and I am so grateful. Because I do not know how to ask for help. Even just calling up someone to say, \u201cOh my God, I\u2019m having the worst day today\u201d \u2014 that has been a big learning curve for me. I left home a few months before I turned 16. I grew up in Hazard, Kentucky, a coal-mining town in the Appalachian region, and there just wasn\u2019t a lot to do there, and I knew at a very young age that I wanted to be an actress. I moved to New York, where I started modeling and later acting. So I\u2019ve always been self-sufficient. I\u2019ve always taken care of myself. I was taught that that\u2019s what you do: Be strong and resilient and you get through, and you don\u2019t need people and you handle things.<\/p>\n

Eric and I have known each other for a million years now; we met in 2003. I care about him deeply. We had a really lovely marriage for a long time \u2014 we were married for 15 years \u2014 we created two beautiful girls. But also, lots of shit went crazy in our relationship, and it wasn\u2019t good. We separated, but we never got a divorce; we were about to and then we didn\u2019t. We haven\u2019t lived in the same home for eight years; he\u2019s dated other people, I\u2019ve dated someone. It\u2019s a very complicated relationship, one that\u2019s confusing for people. Our love may not be romantic, but it\u2019s a familial love. Eric knows that I am always going to want the best for him. That I\u2019m going to do my best to do right by him. And I know he would do the same for me. So whatever I can do or however I can show up to make this journey better for him or easier for him, I want to do that. And I want to model that for my girls: That\u2019s what you do. That\u2019s the right thing to do.<\/p>\n

This year, the girls and I have spent a lot of time at Eric\u2019s house, which is about a 12-minute drive away from our home. We have a lot of meals together. We do a lot of drop-by visits \u2014 well, I don\u2019t just drop by. I always call and say, \u201cI\u2019m coming up the hill\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m dropping Georgia off.\u201d We wanna take advantage of the time that he has right now. He made it very clear that he wants to spend time with his family as much as possible, and I am committed to facilitating that. That was an easy conversation to have. Some of the harder conversations \u2014 about down the line, two or three years from now, what does that look like? \u2014 we haven\u2019t really started to have, or we sort of touched on them, but they are just too sad. I\u2019ve heard from people in the ALS community, this new community I have, who have reminded me that time moves really differently for kids. They sense the time as passing either much slower or much quicker. One of my friends was a similar age as my daughters when her father had ALS, and she said that it seemed to happen overnight. It was like one morning she woke up, and suddenly her dad couldn\u2019t walk or communicate.<\/p>\n

Eric has 24\/7 nurses now. Just figuring out the health-care system is its own thing \u2014 the health-insurance company will deny you what you\u2019re asking for and you have to appeal and then you have to apply again. With the nurses, the woman from his insurance said to me, \u201cYou can keep applying, and I\u2019ll keep denying,\u201d I was like, Oh? F that. I made it my mission. I was \u201clocked in,\u201d as the kids would say. I crashed out, and then I locked it in. And we got it approved after two appeals. The week is divided into 21 shifts. There are times that shifts aren\u2019t covered, so I cover them. There was a 12-hour shift recently that I could not cover. I could only do four hours because of all the stuff that the kids are doing. So I had to call on two of Eric\u2019s friends, one of them who had never really taken care of him in that way. I thought, I can\u2019t believe I had to ask someone to do this. And of course when I asked for help, they said, \u201cYeah, anything, what do you need? What\u2019s going on?\u201d And they both showed up and did a wonderful job.<\/p>\n

The flip side is that there are a lot of people who used to be more present in my life who I think about and wonder, Where\u2019d they go? I\u2019ve thought about it a lot, and I\u2019ve talked to my therapist about it a lot. Most people are not great in this situation because it\u2019s so heavy. It\u2019s not easy for people. So I don\u2019t hold any grudges toward who hasn\u2019t shown up. It\u2019s funny, like, Oh my God, that person who I never would\u2019ve imagined has really been helpful \u2014 and this person who I thought would be by my side every day hasn\u2019t called me in six months.<\/p>\n

Lots of people online have also reached out to the girls, or try to, through social media. I look at those constantly and tell them, \u201cListen, just because someone writes a really nice note to you that is very thoughtful and nice, it doesn\u2019t mean you have to respond and start up a conversation with this person because adults really should not be talking to kids online.\u201d<\/p>\n

The hardest part about it being public is just knowing, when we go out to dinner or something, that there are eyeballs on you. I haven\u2019t experienced paparazzi for so long. I get it: When you decide to become an actor, that\u2019s what you sign up for. Still, it\u2019s one thing if you\u2019re going to a premiere and another if you\u2019re running out on a Sunday night to have dinner in your sweatpants. We went to have sushi one night, and it was the first time I had to unload the wheelchair and open it and get Eric into it on my own. And oh my God, I was sweating bullets and there were people watching and taking pictures and I was so upset because I was really struggling. I had a flashback from when I was a new mom and I didn\u2019t know how to open the car seat \u2014 panicking and the baby\u2019s crying and I\u2019m trying to do this. It was that kind of a feeling, just awful. But I\u2019ve now mastered that thing. And we are really much more careful about where we go out and when we go.<\/p>\n

Eric\u2019s diagnosis has changed my approach to everything. Even with strangers, sometimes I\u2019ll be standing on line to get my coffee and I\u2019ll just look at them and go, I wonder what they\u2019re going through. Because I know everyone is going through something.<\/p>\n

Lately, I try to stay in the moment, even though there\u2019s no escaping thinking about the future. I worry so much about my girls losing their father \u2014 they\u2019re going through this while experiencing all the pressures that are put on young girls, and I want to do everything in my power to give them the tools they\u2019ll need. They will be different because of this. I know that. One thing I\u2019ve realized, and this is something I\u2019m working on, is that I spend so much time navigating everyone else\u2019s emotions around this, I haven\u2019t really sat down and investigated how I feel about things. I\u2019ve just been going, going, going, one foot in front of the other.<\/p>\n

I am anticipating that it\u2019s not gonna be a great experience for me when I slow down enough to do that, which I\u2019ve started to do with my therapist, but to fully digest this and process this is gonna be beyond heartbreaking. I am trying very much to help my kids, Eric, myself, all of us to get through this knowing that death is a part of the life cycle. And in this case, we are very unlucky in many, many ways. But we\u2019re also blessed in that we know that time is the most valuable thing, and we can use it wisely.<\/p>\n

And there\u2019s still a little glimmer of hope. Like, I keep thinking, Well, with AI medical research moving quickly, there\u2019s a very small chance, but there is a chance, that maybe they could find a medication that could halt ALS. I still have that in me. But sometimes I say to myself, Why am I letting myself have that hope when it doesn\u2019t feel realistic? It all feels like I\u2019m walking on one of those bridges that are made out of ropes, and it\u2019s just going on forever and I\u2019m never gonna get to the other side.<\/p>\n

Spending all this time together, it\u2019s all been really positive, and I think it\u2019s nice for the kids to see maybe a softer side of us. It\u2019s not that they have the hopes of us being together \u2014 kids always dream of their parents getting back together, and I think now ours don\u2019t because they understand the reality of the situation. And hopefully, what they see instead are two adults who are trying to be mature and focus on what\u2019s important.<\/p>\n

At the same time, I also need to possibly have my own life. My own happiness, goals, romance. I know I\u2019m gonna be judged for saying that, but I think it\u2019s important for my girls to see that yes, we can do this and we can do that. Until you do it, you don\u2019t know what it is, and if someone wants to judge me, I don\u2019t care anymore. My mom and dad are in Kentucky, they\u2019re older and not in the best health, so there\u2019s my parents and my kids and there\u2019s Eric, and I\u2019m spread thin. I\u2019m trying to figure out how to manage it all better. And I think I will get to a place where I\u2019m managing it all better. But listen, I\u2019m 54; I have been through a lot of my life. I know I can do hard things and survive them. I try not to ever read comments but, you know, you\u2019ll see one and think, Oh, gosh. Why is it that people hate me or think that about me? That\u2019s so not true. They don\u2019t even know what they\u2019re talking about. And I\u2019m like, Am I defending myself to some person out in the ether that I don\u2019t even know?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve started going back to work. I loved working so much, so I always knew that when my girls were a little older, I\u2019d want to go back. So I was sort of already on that path, and then we got Eric\u2019s diagnosis and I knew I needed to go back to work because he at some point will no longer be able to work. I\u2019ve already done a couple of indie movies that haven\u2019t come out yet, and I have two projects I am working on right now. It\u2019s wild because it\u2019s so different now. Actors now do 99.9 percent of auditions on tape at home. I lived for auditioning and the callback and the producer session and a screen test. I actually thrived in a room. What do you mean I\u2019m gonna just go downstairs and have someone videotape me? I can\u2019t imagine that casting directors and directors are actually watching all these tapes. But I\u2019m gonna get onboard. I just need to make my dog stop barking in the background.<\/p>\n

Self-care is a hot topic here. I\u2019m constantly talking about it with the girls, because I don\u2019t want them to feel guilty for still just going out and being kids. I don\u2019t want us sitting around thinking, This horrible thing is happening, so I\u2019m not allowed to ever be happy or feel joy, or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want us, them and myself, to try to focus more on the present and make today meaningful.<\/p>\n

I say this a lot: This is not the dress rehearsal. Whatever you\u2019re doing today, that is your life. Eric getting the ALS diagnosis has brought that to the forefront of my mind. So live for today. Wear the shoes, wear the nice bag, don\u2019t keep it in the dust bag. Put the nice sheets on your bed, like, what are we waiting for?<\/p>\n

Because it\u2019s the things you take for granted that we just don\u2019t think about. The other night, I was taking the girls to dinner and I said, \u201cWe\u2019re taking the stairs.\u201d And they were like, \u201cWhy?\u201d I said, \u201cBecause we can.\u201d<\/p>\n

Related<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I was in my closet the day I heard those three letters: ALS. Eric called me from the…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":341398,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[6491,830,96,33691,2864,7190,57681,132483,17858,2415,3830,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-341397","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-celebrities","tag-celebrities","tag-celebrity","tag-entertainment","tag-eric-dane","tag-family","tag-first-person","tag-hard-paywall","tag-its-been-a-year","tag-rebecca-gayheart","tag-relationships","tag-self","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/341397","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=341397"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/341397\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/341398"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=341397"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=341397"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=341397"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}