The want to want.<\/p>\n
I hear it often in my sessions: The desire to want more sex, often followed closely by the wish that wanting didn\u2019t feel so damn hard.<\/p>\n
For many adults, especially those juggling work, caregiving<\/a>, mental load, and emotional labour<\/a>, sex isn\u2019t absent because something is \u201cwrong.\u201d It\u2019s absent because pleasure has slowly slipped down the priority list. So instead of anticipation, sex starts to feel like another task.<\/p>\n Research consistently shows that chronic stress<\/a> suppresses sexual<\/a> interest by activating the body\u2019s threat system, making desire physiologically harder to access (Bancroft & Janssen, 2000; Hamilton & Meston, 2013). In other words, if your life feels like a relentless to-do list, low desire is an understandable response. <\/p>\n If this sounds like you, and you genuinely want more sex in the coming year, I\u2019d suggest putting the lingerie ads down. Not because lingerie is bad, but because more effort, pressure, or performance is rarely the missing ingredient.<\/p>\n As a sex therapist, here is what I would suggest instead: <\/p>\n 1. I would reduce pressure before I increased touch.<\/p>\n Pressure is one of the fastest libido killers there is.<\/p>\n The science backs this up. According to the Dual Control Model of sexual response, sexual desire is shaped by a balance between excitatory and inhibitory systems (Bancroft & Janssen, 2000). Pressure, obligation, and the fear<\/a> of disappointing someone act as powerful \u201cbrakes,\u201d often overriding any sexual \u201caccelerators\u201d that might otherwise be present.<\/p>\n Many people try to fix low desire by doing more: more initiating, more scheduling, more trying to be \u201cin the mood\u201d and, yes, more lingerie. But desire grows in conditions of safety and choice, not demand. So before adding anything new, I would actively remove pressure by naming openly that intimacy<\/a> doesn\u2019t have to lead anywhere, and allowing sex to be optional rather than expected.<\/p>\n 2. I would stop waiting for spontaneous desire and work with how desire actually functions.<\/p>\n One of the most damaging myths about sex is that desire should appear out of nowhere. Yet, for many adults, especially in long-term relationships, desire is more often responsive than spontaneous\u2014that is, it emerges after connection and erotic stimulation, not before it.<\/p>\n So if you\u2019re waiting to feel turned on before engaging with anything erotic, you may be waiting indefinitely. That doesn\u2019t mean forcing yourself into sex you don\u2019t want; it means recognising that desire often follows erotic actions. <\/p>\n 3. I would prioritise safety over spark.<\/p>\n Sex doesn’t thrive in environments of emotional unsafety. From a nervous-system perspective, this makes sense. Sexual arousal requires a shift out of threat and into a state of relative safety. Studies show that anxiety<\/a>, hypervigilance, and relationship distress are all associated with reduced sexual desire and arousal (Hamilton & Meston, 2013). <\/p>\n So before asking \u201cWhy don\u2019t I want sex?\u201d I would ask:<\/p>\n Do I feel emotionally safe here? 4. I would disconnect intimacy from performance.<\/p>\n When sex becomes about outcomes such as orgasm<\/a> and frequency metrics, it often stops being pleasurable.<\/p>\n Performance pressure increases self-monitoring, which research shows is linked to reduced arousal and lower sexual satisfaction (Masters & Johnson, 1970). In simple terms: The more we monitor how sex is going, the less we are able to feel it.<\/p>\n If I wanted more sex, I would deliberately shift focus away from outcomes and toward experience. For many couples, this includes periods when sex is explicitly off the table, allowing intimacy to rebuild without stakes. Counterintuitively, this often increases desire over time.<\/p>\n 5. I would read smut.<\/p>\n Yes, smut.<\/p>\n Erotic fiction is one of the most accessible, low-pressure ways to engage the sexual imagination<\/a> and the research supports this. Exposure to erotic stimuli has been shown to increase sexual desire and arousal, particularly in people with responsive desire patterns (Rupp & Wallen, 2008).<\/p>\n Importantly, reading erotica:<\/p>\n Requires no performance For many people, fantasy<\/a> and imagination are safer entry points into desire than real-life sexual interaction, especially after periods of stress or disconnection. <\/p>\n 6. I would treat pleasure as a health issue, not a reward.<\/p>\n
\nCan I say no without consequences?
\nDo I feel seen and heard?
\nWhat does excite me right now?<\/p>\n
\nCan be entirely private
\nAllows desire to unfold without anyone else\u2019s needs involved<\/p>\n