{"id":387175,"date":"2026-01-24T02:07:08","date_gmt":"2026-01-24T02:07:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/387175\/"},"modified":"2026-01-24T02:07:08","modified_gmt":"2026-01-24T02:07:08","slug":"a-silent-epidemic-of-family-estrangement-is-on-the-rise-even-if-your-parents-are-not-beckhams-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/387175\/","title":{"rendered":"A \u2018silent epidemic\u2019 of family estrangement is on the rise \u2013 even if your parents are not Beckhams | Family"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cOne day she just stopped answering my messages,\u201d Vanessa says, as she talks about the confusion and heartbreak of losing contact with an adult child.<\/p>\n

The Guardian\u2019s journalism is independent. We will earn a commission if you buy something through an affiliate link.\u00a0Learn more<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Unlike the Beckhams \u2013 whose simmering spat exploded into the headlines<\/a> this week \u2013 Vanessa does not want to go public with her estrangement from her children.<\/p>\n

As Brooklyn Beckham<\/a> and his famous parents, David and Victoria, continue with their high-profile meltdown, she wants people to understand how it affects ordinary people, and what they can do about it.<\/p>\n

Vanessa was working as a psychotherapist with people going through familial estrangement. \u201cIt wouldn\u2019t happen to me,\u201d she thought.<\/p>\n

But then she noticed her children becoming distant, and when she asked what was wrong, they said everything was fine.<\/p>\n

\u201cI could sort of tell that things were changing and I couldn\u2019t really understand it,\u201d she says. She had a fight with one child, then others started drifting away. <\/p>\n

\u201cThey were like \u2018I don\u2019t want to talk to you any more, you\u2019re a nasty person. I\u2019m not letting my children have anything to do with you\u2019,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

But neither she, nor her sole child still in contact, understands what happened and why. They have different memories of the earlier years that the others, now estranged, remember as being so terrible.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re not living in the same world,\u201d Vanessa says.<\/p>\n

Estrangement can happen for \u2018all sorts of things\u2019<\/p>\n

We hear about Brooklyn breaking up with \u201cBeckham Inc\u201d<\/a>, about Harry and Meghan\u2019s rift with the Windsors<\/a>, but estrangement isn\u2019t restricted to the weird world of celebrity.<\/p>\n

A 2022 Ohio State University study<\/a> found 6% of adult children had a period where they had little or no communication with their mothers. For fathers, the figure was 26%.<\/p>\n

In August last year, a YouGov poll<\/a> found 38% of American adults were estranged from a family member \u2013 most commonly a sibling (24%), a parent (16%), a child (10%), a grandparent (9%) and a grandchild (6%).<\/p>\n

In 2016, University of Newcastle academic Dr Kylie Agllias published Family Estrangement<\/a>, which put the Australian figure at one in 12.<\/p>\n

Ten years on from that book, many think familial alienation has become even more common.<\/p>\n

The reasons for estrangement can be clear cut \u2013 in the case of physical or sexual abuse, for example. But they can also be something far less obvious, such as polarised beliefs in God, in vaccination, or about Trump.<\/p>\n

YouGov found those estranged from a parent most often cited physical, emotional or sexual abuse, manipulative behaviour, abandonment or neglect, lies or betrayal, or personality conflicts.<\/p>\n

Those estranged from their children most commonly cited lies and betrayal, conflicting values or lifestyle, personality conflicts and the fallout from divorce.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt can be all sorts of things,\u201d Australian Psychological Society chief executive officer, Dr Zena Burgess, says.<\/p>\n

\u201cMental health issues in one of the parents or one of the children can split a family. That\u2019s the one I\u2019ve most commonly seen,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

Brooklyn and David Beckham in 2015. Photograph: Martin Rickett\/PA<\/p>\n

\u201cConflict that\u2019s driven through family dynamics, favouritism, alcohol, drugs and violence \u2026 and sometimes it can be that people just do not get along. Or it can be that they\u2019ve grown up in a family that does not meet their needs for love, identity and belonging.\u201d<\/p>\n

Blended families and families that go through traumatic incidents can struggle to stay together, she says. And sometimes it\u2019s over a rift that happened so long ago no one even remembers what really happened.<\/p>\n

Burgess has dealt directly with many families going through estrangement, and says it\u2019s on the rise \u2013 that it\u2019s both becoming more common, and more visible.<\/p>\n

\u2018A kind of silent epidemic\u2019<\/p>\n

Vanessa says she believes the increase is due in part to people\u2019s inability to sit with the discomfort when something goes wrong in a relationship. <\/p>\n

They self-diagnose the issue, she says: \u201c[They] can go straight online and look it up \u2026 then they hang on to it like grim death.\u201d<\/p>\n

Online, people pick up self-validating words \u2013 therapy speak, about boundaries and trauma. And our brains are trained to notice and remember bad, potentially dangerous things, she says, to keep us safe \u2013 but that can also embed false narratives.<\/p>\n

Clinical psychologist and world-renowned expert Dr Joshua Coleman in January told podcast Where Parents Talk<\/a> that parent-child estrangement was \u201ca kind of silent epidemic\u201d.<\/p>\n

Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict, says more people are being estranged and it\u2019s happening for reasons that did not exist in the past.<\/p>\n

He says old ideas about the need to stick with family have been replaced by a \u201cmuch more identitarian perspective\u201d that believes that \u201cif a relationship doesn\u2019t feel good to me, then not only can I cut that person off, I should cut that person off\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cProtection of mental health has become a big priority.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo there\u2019s a lot of adult children who are cutting off parents, certainly for reasons of abuse and neglect, but also for reasons that are much more psychological, much more subtle, much more political, and that really is causing a lot of disruption.\u201d<\/p>\n

Typically it\u2019s the parent who wants the relationship more, he says, because they\u2019re in more pain.<\/p>\n

From time immemorial, adolescents and adult children have blamed their parents for every problem in existence<\/p>\n

The Ohio State University study found estrangements usually end. Eight in 10 adult children will reconcile with their estranged mother, and seven in 10 with their fathers.<\/p>\n

According to the YouGov poll, more than two-thirds of those estranged from a child or grandchild would consider reconciliation, while less than half of those estranged from siblings, grandparents or parents would. Just 35% of children estranged from their parent said they would be willing to reconcile.<\/p>\n

How do you even start to bring such fractured families back together?<\/p>\n

Coleman says compassion, empathy, taking responsibility, and not being defensive all help the chances of reconciliation.<\/p>\n

Nick Tebbey, Relationships Australia national executive officer, says the starting point is to \u201ctry to remove the emotion from the situation\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe are obviously going to feel grief, loss, anger and bewilderment. We need to try to move past that \u2026 to get to the facts of what led to our estrangement,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen it\u2019s easier to take the first, often daunting step to reach out to that person.\u201d<\/p>\n

Understanding the reason for the estrangement can be more complicated when there are third parties, such as partners, in the background, he says.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have to reach out and say \u2018I\u2019m available to hold a conversation about whatever these issues are\u2019, without judgment.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tebbey says professional counselling can help, and that it\u2019s important to recognise that in serious cases such as those involving abuse, the estrangement may be the right thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe always tell people there\u2019s an element of self-care required here,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

Burgess says it can take a long time for people to overcome their anger and resentment, but having an open conversation about what sort of relationship people want, and not expecting an immediate fix, is where to start.<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom time immemorial, adolescents and adult children have blamed their parents for every problem in existence,\u201d Burgess says. \u201cBecause it\u2019s convenient and it\u2019s better than taking responsibility yourself.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut there comes a time where we have to go \u2018well, that may be how I grew up, but I have a choice about what kind of person I want to be\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe evolve all through our lives if we\u2019re open to change \u2013 there is optimism, and I think we need to hang on to that.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u201cOne day she just stopped answering my messages,\u201d Vanessa says, as she talks about the confusion and heartbreak…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":387176,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[6491,96,56,54,55],"class_list":{"0":"post-387175","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-celebrities","8":"tag-celebrities","9":"tag-entertainment","10":"tag-uk","11":"tag-united-kingdom","12":"tag-unitedkingdom"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/387175","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=387175"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/387175\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/387176"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=387175"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=387175"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=387175"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}