We all want to raise kids who are confident and who will speak up for themselves; that\u2019s why we encourage them to have a \u201cvoice.\u201d Having a voice is important, but so is having the discernment to know when you are effectively advocating for yourself, and when your voice of advocacy has become a voice of condescension or elitism.<\/p>\n
A client of mine starts off describing her 16-year-old daughter as an independent, confident kid. The daughter excels academically and socially\u2014the kind of kid you hear about and think, Well, she\u2019s got her stuff together, she\u2019ll do well out in the world\u2026<\/p>\n
But by the end of the session, it becomes apparent to me that the girl is also very bossy. She\u2019s demanding and difficult to please. She makes very little accommodation to the needs or wishes of others. And her independence? Well, at times it feels to her mom more like detachment, a premature separation, as if her daughter is saying, \u201cOK, thanks mom for all your parenting<\/a>, I\u2019ll take it from here\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n I reconsider how well this girl will do out in the world. Is she someone who people enjoy being around? Do people feel better about themselves when they are around her? Is she generous with her time, her thoughts, her person? Can she experience joy in some of the smaller moments in life? Does she express kindness and patience toward those who are less socially nimble, less articulate, endowed with less or a different type of intelligence<\/a>? I wasn\u2019t so sure. Meanwhile, her mom, unmindful of the way her daughter\u2019s behavior impacted those around her, was still busy boasting about her daughter being one who \u2018makes her feelings known.\u2019 \u201cShe\u2019s definitely not a pushover, that kid!\u201d her mom exclaims.<\/p>\n Nowhere do we learn how to talk with our kids about their personality<\/a> or character\u2014especially with regard to aspects of it that might be unpleasant to others, things such as talking over other people, or being unkind or unduly critical. We don\u2019t know how to bring such things up in a way that won\u2019t spark a defensive response or precipitate an argument. But I think it\u2019s important for parents to develop the skills to bring up the topic with their teenager, and to be able to compassionately offer some feedback and guidance. The only other people willing to tell them aren\u2019t going to tell them very nicely.<\/p>\n Not having anywhere to learn these skills<\/a> (and likely not seeing it modeled by one’s own parents) is only part of the problem. Other aspects include the stereotypes surrounding adolescence<\/a> and parents\u2019 general discomfort in introducing such a sensitive topic, making it hard for many parents to imagine saying something like the following to their teenagers:<\/p>\n