Recently, the Rowsons accidentally invented a new game that anyone can play at home. I have yet to come up with a world-beating name for it, so for now let\u2019s just call it \u201cHow bloody stupid is AI?\u201d The playing of the game will change from player to player, depending on their circumstances \u2013 but essentially the rules remain the same. Ask AI a simple question about yourself, and see just how wrong it gets it.<\/p>\n
In my case, all you need know is that while I, through the nature of my job, have a fairly large online presence, my partner (we married in 1987) has assiduously avoided having one at all. Which means that if you Google \u201cMartin Rowson wife\u201d in images, you may get a picture of me next to our then 14-year-old daughter or me with my friend and fellow cartoonist Steven Appleby<\/a>, who happens to be trans but has kept her given first name.<\/p>\n It\u2019s probably incredibly reckless of me to say so, but I find this very funny. As a satirist, I have always been a fool for anything that points up the even greater folly of our leaders, the tools of their techbro masters or the true capabilities of our new robot overlords. Anyway, I was explaining all this to our soon-to-be daughter-in-law over Christmas when our children (in their 30s, and therefore much tech-savvier than me) explained that it was much more fun than that, and that I should ask: \u201cWho is Martin Rowson\u2019s wife?\u201d<\/p>\n A friend, but not my wife: fellow cartoonist Steven Appleby. Photograph: Antonio Olmos\/The Observer<\/p>\n Imagine my delight when the first answer from Google search\u2019s AI overview was \u201cJeanette Winterson<\/a>\u201d. (To be clear, I swear on the lives of the entire population of Silicon Valley that the famous lesbian author categorically is not my wife.) But it got better \u2013 and here comes the sublime beauty of the mesmeric imbecility of the Tool That Will Transform The World. Each time we repeated the question, the answer changed, then changed again. This seemed dependent on how the question was phrased or punctuated, but who knows? Here is the list of my alleged wives I compiled before I finally got bored:<\/p>\n Textile designer Fiona Scott-Wilson<\/a>.<\/p>\n Poet Bridget Rose<\/a>.<\/p>\n Actor Fiona Marr<\/a>, she of Bridgerton.<\/p>\n Economist Ann Pettifor<\/a>.<\/p>\n Julia Mills (though it\u2019s unclear whether this is the fantasy author<\/a>, the illustrator<\/a>, the late powerlifter<\/a> or another Julia Mills altogether).<\/p>\n Writer and journalist Emily Rees<\/a>.<\/p>\n Lawyer and academic Siva Thambisetty<\/a>, who is married to chess grandmaster Jonathan Rowson<\/a>. AI also claims Jonathan and I are brothers. We\u2019re not.<\/p>\n Writer and journalist Carrie McLaren<\/a>.<\/p>\n Channel 4 News presenter Cathy Newman<\/a>.<\/p>\n CNN correspondent Clarissa Ward<\/a>.<\/p>\n Journalist and broadcaster Rachel Johnson<\/a>.<\/p>\n My own daughter.<\/p>\n Economist Ann Pettifor. Photograph: Murdo MacLeod\/The Guardian<\/p>\n Then it got really weird. La femme Rowson, AI said, is actually \u201cjournalist and author Kate Clements Rowson\u201d. Googled that name: none the wiser.<\/p>\n Then it suggested I\u2019m married to \u201cwriter\/illustrator Helen Grant\u201d. Apparently our son, Leo, is a jazz musician. Again, who is she? Nothing on Google. And Leo, who he? Does he really play jazz? Does he exist?<\/p>\n There was \u201cformer Guardian political editor & current CEO of the Joseph Rowntree Foundation Liz Kerr\u201d. Que? There is no Guardian political editor, past or present, of that name. Liz Kerr nowhere appears on the list of the great and good at the Joseph Rowntree Foundation. Once again, all wrong. Playwright Lee Hall<\/a> got a mention. He\u2019s male, so couldn\u2019t be my wife anyway.<\/p>\n As for \u201chistorian and writer Jeanette Winterbottom\u201d. We apparently worked together on \u201cThe Guardian Book of Satire\u201d and \u201cThe Dog\u2019s Diary\u201d, it says here. Maybe AI confused her with Jeanette Winterson, but then she and I didn\u2019t collaborate on those projects, there is no Guardian Book of Satire, and I have never published a Dog\u2019s Diary (though if someone wants to send me royalties for that, I\u2019d take them).<\/p>\n Another search, another skipful of gibberish. \u201cHe\u2019s been married to writer and journalist Ann Widdecombe<\/a> (his ex-wife), Cathy Caldwell<\/a>, and his long-term partner\/wife, journalist and author, Polly Toynbee<\/a> is a frequent figure alongside him in media, suggesting they are a prominent couple in UK literary\/journalistic circles.\u201d<\/p>\n CNN\u2019s Clarissa Ward. Photograph: John Lamparski\/Getty Images for Concordia Summit<\/p>\n For the record, I have met Rachel Johnson and my own daughter, but am married to neither of them. Again and again the bot failed to identify my real wife, to everyone\u2019s relief, although latterly it\u2019s begun saying: \u201cHer name is not publicly named in the provided search results.\u201d<\/p>\n I suppose this suggests a capacity for learning, but maybe not. I asked \u201cwho is my wife?\u201d once more for the purposes of this article, and Google\u2019s AI said I\u2019m married to \u201cDebora Rowson (nee Ffrench)\u201d, a retired civil servant, and ascribed to our wholly fictitious union is my extra daughter, Clementine, yet another writer\/journalist. Apparently, I write about our amusing domestic upsets in my imaginary Guardian column.<\/p>\n While my mythical marriage to Boris Johnson\u2019s sister is obvious comedy gold (imagine that family Christmas!), for this nonsense to be the fruit of a garlanded, universal research tool used by billions \u2013 and for it to be repeatedly, serially wrong \u2013 is more than slightly disturbing.<\/p>\n We should all by now have worked out that AI is about as sentient as an abacus, and only truly mirrors the human mind in its capacity to lie to humans, telling them what it \u201cthinks\u201d they want to hear. It is also a universal truth that the world\u2019s most dangerous people are idiots who think they are really, really clever (just look around and you\u2019ll get the point). Add those two facts together and what on earth do you imagine we will end up with?<\/p>\n I wouldn\u2019t ask AI that, it would probably say \u201cbanana bread\u201d, then change its mind to, \u201cExterminate them all!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Recently, the Rowsons accidentally invented a new game that anyone can play at home. 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