Meet the Fockers. The shadow cabinet from hell. Rejects, losers and deadbeats. A freak show. A tribute act.<\/p>\n
Reform have often been called a one-man band. The Nigel Farage party. So to counter this narrative, Nige took over Church House in Westminster and turned it into a tacky gameshow set. A remake of The Weakest Link. All to parade his new top team<\/a>. The lucky men and women whose one job is to try not to fall out with one another in the next few years. No chance.<\/p>\n Farage took centre stage; despite pretences, this was still all about him. His team were here entirely at his whim<\/a>. Without him they would be nothing. The spotlight would remain on him throughout the 75-minute presentation. His appointees would only get their turn under lights for their five-minute introductions. Then they would be cast back into the shadows. Start as you mean to go on.<\/p>\n \u201cI was looking for three things,\u201d said Nige. \u201cEnergy, experience and expertise.\u201d Unfortunately, his first appointment had none of these. But Farage had had to find something for his deputy leader to do and, realising Richard Tice<\/a> was unsuitable for any of the four main offices of state, had shunted him sideways into the lesser role of business, trade and energy. This was a very, very important role, he said. Primarily to reassure Tice. Dicky didn\u2019t look reassured. He had hoped to be shadow chancellor. It was all he could do not to cry.<\/p>\n Richard Tice looking at Nigel Farage during the press conference with Suella Braverman in the background. Photograph: Carlos Jasso\/AFP\/Getty Images<\/p>\n Poor Dicky. His role in life is to be shat on by Nige. Going into the last election, Tice was the leader of Reform. Then Farage reckoned the polls were more promising than he had thought and elbowed Dicky out the way. \u201cYou don\u2019t mind, do you?\u201d he asked Tice belatedly. And Dicky said: no, it was fine. Because Dicky has no sense of self-worth. He knows he\u2019s just an extra. Someone to make up the numbers. And since the election, he has endured any number of minor humiliations as Farage\u2019s ego has grown. Culminating in this.<\/p>\n Tice tried to look as if he were thrilled with his demotion. This is what he had always dreamed of. \u201cI have a track record in business,\u201d he said. True. He does have a small fortune. Mainly because he started off with a large one. Now was the time to get the country growing by 4% a year and to get rid of unnecessary regulations. You wondered if Dicky had had a personality transplant and was about to announce we would be rejoining the EU. But no, this was just a wishlist. As was his creation of a national sovereign wealth fund. Even Nige looked a bit nervous at this point. Dicky was even more of an idiot than he had thought.<\/p>\n Next up was the job of shadow chancellor. Having looked around at the vast array of talent within the party \u2013 Andrew Rossindell<\/a>, Sarah Pochin<\/a>, the tax-dodging Nadhim Zahawi<\/a> \u2013 Nige had decided to go for a former Tory whom he had recently described as a fraud. Step forward Robert Jenrick<\/a>. The man who had been part of the Conservative government responsible for much of the country\u2019s decline. Honest Bob. Never one to refuse a planning consent to a party donor<\/a> in need of a tax break.<\/p>\n Honest Bob skirted over his own time in office. In a hasty piece of revisionism, he appears to have decided that the Tories left the country in good shape and that the problems all stem from the last 18 months of Labour. Wisely, he also decided to forget he had been an enthusiastic supporter of the Liz Truss budget. We are going to look after your money, he told us. If it\u2019s all the same, Bob \u2026<\/p>\n On to the shadow home secretary. This went to the permanently grumpy Zia Yusuf<\/a>. He too wanted to be chancellor. Thinks he knows better than everyone, including Nige. Is guaranteed to fall out with almost everyone. Possibly even himself. He makes Kemi Badenoch look well balanced. Zia was focused on one thing and one thing only. Deporting immigrants. The more the merrier. Zia then took aim at Honest Bob. Things had got worse when Jenrick had been immigration minister. Nige may have time for Tory failures, but Yusuf didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n