{"id":475411,"date":"2026-03-14T15:08:08","date_gmt":"2026-03-14T15:08:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/475411\/"},"modified":"2026-03-14T15:08:08","modified_gmt":"2026-03-14T15:08:08","slug":"how-gaslighters-con-their-partners-into-believing-them","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/475411\/","title":{"rendered":"How Gaslighters Con Their Partners into Believing Them"},"content":{"rendered":"

No one\u2019s memory<\/a> is perfect, a fact that some people take advantage of when exploiting or trying to control their partners. Nicky felt pretty certain that she correctly remembered a rather sensitive and potentially inappropriate question her boyfriend, Pete, asked her on their first date. The topic concerned Nicky\u2019s previous relationship partner. The question made her feel uncomfortable, but she was willing to give her boyfriend a pass. Now, six weeks later, he completely denies having asked the question.<\/p>\n

This could boil down to a simple misunderstanding if it were not for the fact that Pete seemed to cause Nicky to question her memory on a pretty regular basis. Now, she rarely trusts her own version of past events but relies almost completely on Pete\u2019s reconstruction of their past interactions. Indeed, these reconstructions usually favor Pete, making him look like a generally good guy, if not a saint.<\/p>\n

The Vagaries of Memory Reconstruction<\/p>\n

Research on memory has established quite solidly the fact that recall of the past is subject to a variety of distortions. Apart from simple forgetting, people tend to shave off unpleasant features of past experiences to make themselves look better. It\u2019s also remarkably easy to confuse who said what and when in social situations. <\/p>\n

Gaslighting<\/a> occurs when the memory slip isn\u2019t just some innocent moment of forgetfulness. People who gaslight do this deliberately, knowing full well that the version of events they\u2019d have you believe is not the version of events that truly happened.<\/p>\n

According to University of Sydney\u2019s Lillian Darke and colleagues (2025), people tend to believe memories that fit in with some larger version of their own reality, and this makes them susceptible to gaslighting. \u201cIndividuals are consistently engaging with their surroundings to validate their own memories,\u201d they note, meaning that you may fill in some memory lapses with what you believe you\u2019d be most likely to do in a given situation. You may think you turned off the light before you left your home, because you always do. This memory would be false if in fact you left the light on.<\/p>\n

In gaslighting, another person creates a false version of reality that you might believe because it seems to fit in with a larger version of the truth. Pete takes advantage of Nicky\u2019s faith in him as a good guy who would never put her on the spot.<\/p>\n

Testing the False Memory Theory of Gaslighting<\/p>\n

In an innovative experimental study, Darke et al. put close romantic partners into a \u201cmemory conformity<\/a> paradigm\u201d in which one partner challenged the memory of the other. The experiment took place over four sessions. In the first session, participants selected joint memories without telling each other the details. In the week between sessions one and two, the experimenter randomly selected one partner to provide and the other to receive misinformation. For example, the memory could include details of a dinner the couple had together. In the misinformation session, the gaslighting partner purposely read out the wrong details and, per experimenter instructions, insisted that these details were correct. After this, both participants completed the memory questionnaire again. The experimental question was whether the misinformation would change the gaslit partner\u2019s memory. Participants also rated their confidence<\/a> in their recall.<\/p>\n

Overall, the manipulation worked. Slightly over one-quarter changed their own recall of events to match that of their partners. Even if they didn\u2019t adopt the partner\u2019s descriptions, they expressed open uncertainty about their own recall.<\/p>\n

Going beyond misinformation, the Australian study also showed that it\u2019s possible for a trusted person to undermine an individual\u2019s belief in their own memory accuracy. Because the misinformation manipulation was just a one-off and not a repeated experience, it wasn\u2019t possible to determine whether partners who constantly are gaslighted become worn down and hopeless, as is shown in real-life gaslighting situations.<\/p>\n

Counteracting the Gaslighter<\/p>\n

Adding to gaslighting\u2019s effect in the Darke et al. study was, according to the authors, the elements of relationship trust and social conformity. Gaslighters operate within close relationships by inserting themselves in the space between certainty and uncertainty in the mind of the gaslit partner. People in close relationships have, note the authors, \u201cthe motivation<\/a> to align memories due\u2026 to the social costs of disagreement.\u201d Nicky didn\u2019t want to jeopardize her relationship with Pete, so she went along with his explanation.<\/p>\n

Returning to the idea of social context, the U. Sydney study shows how a close relationship can become the context for inserting false memories<\/a>. What\u2019s more, the closer the relationship, the more likely it is that being fed misinformation will create more and more doubt in the gaslit partner. Why should you believe your own fallible memory when the person you love is telling you otherwise?<\/p>\n

It should be noted that gaslighting is increasingly being understood as an aspect of interpersonal violence and coercive relationships. The authors caution that because memory can be so fallible and manipulated, individuals who may be vulnerable to this form of emotional abuse<\/a> can gain from understanding just how easy it is from a cognitive standpoint to change someone\u2019s recollection of the past.<\/p>\n

Gaslighting Essential Reads<\/p>\n

To sum up, gaslighting takes advantage of several known fallibilities in ordinary memory, especially the tendency to rely on context and the word of someone you trust. Self-efficacy<\/a>, the belief in your own memory, and trust in yourself can be two powerful tools to counter gaslighting\u2019s powerful pull.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"No one\u2019s memory is perfect, a fact that some people take advantage of when exploiting or trying to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":475412,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[59,57,58,50,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-475411","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-united-kingdom","tag-gb","tag-great-britain","tag-greatbritain","tag-news","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475411","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=475411"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475411\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/475412"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=475411"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=475411"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=475411"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}