Somewhere along the way, we started believing a dangerous lie about loyalty. <\/p>\n
We began to assume that if someone stays\u2014if they remain faithful, committed, and consistent\u2014they must not have better options. Don\u2019t confuse loyalty with lack of options. When a person stays faithful to you, it\u2019s not because they can\u2019t do better. Loyalty and limitation are not the same thing. Social media<\/a> tends to distort loyalty and frame it as weakness, naivety, or desperation. Mic drop: People don\u2019t stay because they\u2019re stuck. They stay because they\u2019ve decided. <\/p>\n Let\u2019s correct that: They are loyal because of their character, not because they can\u2019t get another you. <\/p>\n Loyalty & Character<\/p>\n Loyalty is related to an internal value system. It\u2019s rooted in integrity, emotional discipline, and character. People with strong character are loyal to what\u2019s important to them, and it\u2019s not just other people. Loyal people are loyal to their word, their ideas, and their principles. It\u2019s about their identity<\/a>, not their circumstances. Loyalty is less about what\u2019s happening around them and more about who they\u2019ve decided to be. <\/p>\n An Internal Decision<\/p>\n Loyalty reflects:<\/p>\n Integrity. (Am I doing what I said I would do?) When people remain faithful or loyal to something, it\u2019s because that faithfulness is congruent with who they are. <\/p>\n Rusbult (1980, 1983) created the Commitment & Investment Model. The core idea of the model is that commitment is shaped by satisfaction, investment, and perceived alternatives. Here\u2019s the interesting part: Even when alternatives are available, people with high commitment and strong values remain loyal. In other words, research shows that loyalty isn\u2019t about the absence of alternatives but the presence of commitment. <\/p>\n The Miscalculation<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a clear message for those neglectful partners in our lives. (I say \u201cpartners,\u201d but I mean lovers, spouses, friends, co-workers, and even employers.) Attractive, intelligent, emotionally-available, kind-hearted, hard-working people often have options. They have options for where they work, the friends and lovers they keep in their lives, the projects they accept, etc. Just because they choose to commit and stay loyal doesn\u2019t mean that they can\u2019t leave. There\u2019s a difference between constraint and choice. <\/p>\n Constraint = I can\u2019t leave. Choice = I won\u2019t leave.<\/p>\n Loyalty is more powerful when someone has the option of leaving and chooses to stay. <\/p>\n Believing that they won\u2019t go anywhere is a miscalculation. The complacency, emotional neglect, and disrespect with which you approach a loyal person when you believe they are staying because they have no options creates a power imbalance in your relationship that harms everyone.<\/p>\n Infidelity<\/a> research confirms this idea. Infidelity is more strongly linked to low self-control<\/a>, impulsivity, and poor relationship satisfaction\u2014not access to other partners (Roberts, et al., 2006; Finkel, et al., 2014). <\/p>\n Dysfunctional Loyalty<\/p>\n Loyalty does not mean tolerating disrespect and abandoning yourself. Pull back and reflect on the difference between healthy loyalty and codependency. Consider your boundaries<\/a> and what you will specifically do when they are violated. Then, write it down. <\/p>\n For example, your boundary is name-calling. Write down that boundary and what you will do if this boundary violation shows up in your friendship<\/a>. If it happens, your loyal gene<\/a> is going to kick in and you\u2019re going to try to convince yourself that 1) you can manage this violation, 2) they didn\u2019t mean it, or 3) it wasn\u2019t that bad. That\u2019s when you read what you wrote\u2014”if name-calling shows up in this relationship, I will leave it.” <\/p>\n It\u2019s important that you live in a space with emotional safety. You can’t leave it to other people to create an emotionally-safe environment for you. It would be nice if they did, but you can’t wait for that. You’re responsible for your environment.<\/p>\n What Healthy Loyalty Looks Like in Intimacy<\/p>\n Loyalty is not simply staying no matter what. That\u2019s what we think it is. Loyalty is consistency, not perfection. It\u2019s choosing your partner everyday, despite their faults. It\u2019s alignment between words and actions. <\/p>\n Most importantly, loyalty is protecting the relationship, particularly when you\u2019re in conflict. Conflict should not make you throw the entire relationship into the Chesapeake Bay. Character-driven loyalty does not require you to remain in environments where you are consistently disrespected, dismissed, or diminished. <\/p>\n Boundaries Essential Reads<\/p>\n Loyalty given freely should never be fumbled. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Somewhere along the way, we started believing a dangerous lie about loyalty. 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\nEmotional discipline. (Am I acting on every impulse?)
\nIdentity. (How do I see myself?)<\/p>\n