Co-authors: Charles Egnatz and Kadijah Booth Watkins <\/p>\n
“Mm, I didn\u2019t wanna leave you, I didn\u2019t wanna lie\/Started to cry, but then remembered\/I can buy myself flowers\/Write my name in the sand\/Talk to myself for hours\/Say things you don\u2019t understand” \u2014Miley Cyrus<\/p>\n
Teen romance looks very different today than it did a generation ago. Texting, social media<\/a>, and even AI chatbots<\/a> have changed how teens connect, communicate, and even break up with one another. While digital spaces can help teens feel closer and more supported, they can bring new challenges including ghosting<\/a>, blocking and harassment. And those who sustain or initiate a breakup, as noted by Miley Cyrus, need to find new ways to preserve one\u2019s identity<\/a> and integrity.<\/p>\n In the days prior to digital media, we had the telephone, or we could meet up after school, or at a local park or mall. Hanging out was never an immediate thing. Though new relationships and breakups occurred, they took time for word to get out. And on the negative side, if there were bad feelings, name calling, bullying<\/a>, competition<\/a> and comparisons, the time and scope of the assault was never immediate \u2014 nor was the scope of who could find out and who did what to whom.<\/p>\n For advice, you had to go to someone \u2013 a relative, counselor, parent \u2013 not AI. It seemed more personal, but we know that AI can be incredibly appealing, persuasive and instantaneous.<\/p>\n Breakups in the Digital Age: Ghosting, Blocking and Harassment<\/p>\n Ghosting:<\/p>\n Ghosting is the process by which someone ends a relationship by suddenly withdrawing from all communication without explanation. Large numbers of teens report experience with this, either as ghoster or ghostee. It is used as a way to avoid conflict and emotional upset, and often the rationalization<\/a> is that it is a \u201ckinder\u201d way to breakup, rather than hurting a partner directly. It is essentially the \u201csilent\u201d treatment, since the recipient can see what their previous romantic partner is doing online, but there is no response. Many view this as a mean-spirited, passive aggressive<\/a> way of actually inflicting harm (though typically denied by the ghoster).<\/p>\n Ghosting can lead the recipient to experience:<\/p>\n Lower self-esteem<\/a> and self-worth (\u201cwhat did I do to deserve this?\u201d) Blocking:<\/p>\n Blocking is known as the \u201cdigital wall.\u201d It is a built-in feature on most social media platforms for privacy and safety. When blocked, the recipient can no longer see your posts, send direct messages, or tag your photos. On phones, it prevents calls and texts. It may be used to prevent harassment or pressure, or to secure oneself \u201cemotionally\u201d after a breakup. It may be used defensively to prevent further conversation or as punishment<\/a> (\u201cyou don\u2019t exist anymore.\u201d) Blocking is often a way to separate you from your previous partner and all their activities. It may, in some cases, be the definitive answer that the relationship is over. For the person blocked, the message is clear, but it also means that a circle of friends in the orbit of the past relationship is also cut off, though you may be able to have independent unblocked communication with others in a circle of friends.<\/p>\n Online Harassment:<\/p>\n Perhaps one of the most disturbing digital consequences of a breakup is online harassment and possibly threatening behavior. It may take a number of forms:<\/p>\n Persistent texting Online harassment may result if the perpetrator is jealous<\/a>, angry, or has poor impulse control \u2014 or it may result as a response to being a victim of ghosting or blocking. Not only is it unsettling but it is geared to extend the relationship beyond the breakup.<\/p>\n The recipient may experience:<\/p>\n Anxiety<\/a> and fear<\/a> What Can Be Done to Help Teens:<\/p>\n Here are some guidelines for parents, caregivers and clinicians:<\/p>\n Have ongoing conversations beginning in early childhood<\/a> about the use and misuse of digital media. Be sure to listen, be nonjudgemental, curious, and supportive. Many of us may remember the doo wop hit tune that made Neal Sedaka famous: Breaking Up is Hard to Do:<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t take your love away from me\/Don\u2019t you leave my heart in misery\/Cause if you go, then I\u2019ll be blue\/Cause breaking up is hard to do\u201d<\/p>\n Little did he or the many others, generation after generation, appreciate how hard and complicated breaking up has become in the digital age. <\/p>\n
\nMistrust<\/a> of others, affecting future relationships
\nSadness, distress, loneliness<\/a> and depressive symptoms
\nBeliefs of being unlovable or less socially valuable
\nReduced overall life satisfaction<\/p>\n
\nMonitoring
\nPublic threats and shaming<\/a> in tweets and group chats
\nRevealing private content (photos, texts)
\nSpreading misinformation and rumors<\/p>\n
\nProblems with daily functioning, such as sleep, relaxation, concentration<\/a>
\nSocial withdrawal and avoidance of other relationships
\nCases of acute or post-traumatic<\/a> stress<\/a> reactions<\/p>\n
\nParents and caregivers should not snoop or spy on their teen\u2019s social media apps. This is an important general rule, but especially important when they are going through the stress of a breakup. Snooping undermines trust.
\nKnow the signs of distress in your teen. For example, is there a behavior change such as irritability, isolation from others, tearfulness, or trouble with daily functioning, such as sleep, appetite<\/a>, and normal routines?
\nAsk what is going on if you see a change in emotions, feelings, cognition<\/a> or behavior. And ask about relationships, such as breakups, disharmony, or bullying, as these often go unspoken.
\nEnlist others to talk with your teen. Of course, let your teen choose with whom to speak. Often an older sibling<\/a>, teacher, coach, mentor, a friend\u2019s parents, or member of their clergy may be safer for them than talking with you.
\nEngage your teen (and all other family members) to learn digital literacy! We all use and misuse our devices and need to appreciate the proper use and consequences of our online behavior.
\nPeer support groups such as SADD for high school youth or Active Minds for college students may be extremely helpful. Young people providing support may be in the best position for your teen to feel heard and understood.
\nA clinical mental health assessment would be called for If you see your teen in significant distress, and if needed, therapy<\/a> may be an effective means to enhance coping. One question that may be important to address is whether the therapist has been adequately trained in the impact of digital media on us all.<\/p>\n