{"id":520804,"date":"2026-04-09T04:37:20","date_gmt":"2026-04-09T04:37:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/520804\/"},"modified":"2026-04-09T04:37:20","modified_gmt":"2026-04-09T04:37:20","slug":"shame-attacking-overcoming-a-lifetime-of-social-anxiety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/520804\/","title":{"rendered":"Shame Attacking: Overcoming a Lifetime of Social Anxiety"},"content":{"rendered":"

Disclaimer: This article is nonfiction but describes events that happened many years ago. The dialogue and other details were reconstructed as accurately as possible from the author’s memory<\/a>.<\/p>\n

A young man named Martin came to see me in Philadelphia for treatment of intense social anxiety<\/a>. He explained that he sweated profusely\u2014far more than the average person\u2014and was absolutely convinced that if women saw how sweaty he was, they\u2019d be totally grossed out and reject him.<\/p>\n

He said he\u2019d used every deodorant and chemical imaginable, but it made no difference. He described himself as a veritable sprinkler, with sweat pouring from his face, armpits, and entire body. He was so humiliated that he rarely left his apartment during the day and only ventured out at night to do his shopping.<\/p>\n

He told me he\u2019d had this problem since adolescence<\/a>. Now in his early 30s, he had never had a date. He asked me if he was a \u201chopeless case.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was surprised, because to me, he seemed incredibly good-looking. That summer, my daughter was working as a receptionist in my clinic, so I asked her for a woman\u2019s perspective. Was I imagining things?<\/p>\n

She said, \u201cDad, Martin is in the category we call drop-dead gorgeous.\u201d<\/p>\n

So much for hopeless.<\/p>\n

Around that time, I had learned about a technique developed by the legendary New York psychologist Albert Ellis for people struggling with social anxiety<\/a> and shame<\/a>. It\u2019s called a shame-attacking exercise: a deliberate attempt to do something super-embarrassing in public in order to discover that the feared consequences never materialize.<\/p>\n

When Martin asked if he was hopeless, I said, \u201cNo, social anxiety is actually my favorite problem to treat. But I have a different question. Can you afford the treatment?\u201d He looked flustered. He asked if $125 a session wasn\u2019t enough, or if there was a surcharge for severe anxiety.<\/p>\n

I explained that money wasn\u2019t the issue; courage was.<\/p>\n

I said, \u201cIf you want me to treat you, you\u2019ll have to agree to do exactly what I ask. And some of it may terrify you. I might ask you to do something called a shame-attacking exercise. That means making a fool of yourself in public on purpose. Would you be willing?\u201d<\/p>\n

He was so eager that he didn\u2019t hesitate. \u201cNo problem,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever you ask.\u201d I scheduled our next session for two hours, from 2 to 4 pm, which is the hottest part of a Philadelphia summer day. He arrived early.<\/p>\n

I told him we\u2019d be having our session outside the hospital, but first we had to stop by the clinical lab to pick up a special piece of equipment. I grabbed a test-tube cleaner\u2014basically a squirt gun with a curved spout\u2014and filled it with water. Then I explained the plan: We\u2019d jog half a mile to a nearby 7-Eleven. Between the heat and humidity, we\u2019d get nice and sweaty.<\/p>\n

Martin thought this sounded like a wonderful new form of therapy<\/a>\u2014just jogging and chatting with his psychiatrist.<\/p>\n

When we arrived, I told him he was sweaty, but not nearly sweaty enough. I squirted water under his armpits and poured it over his head so the water ran down his cheeks.<\/p>\n

Then I said, \u201cHere\u2019s the assignment. I want you to walk into the store, stand by the cash register, put one hand on your head, point to your armpit with the other, and say loudly: “Look at me. I think I\u2019m the sweatiest man in Philadelphia. It\u2019s so hot and humid today, I\u2019m sweating like a stuffed pig!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

At that moment, Martin realized what a shame-attacking exercise actually was. He flatly refused. He said it was impossible, humiliating, and horrible. He insisted that he\u2019d make a total fool of himself. <\/p>\n

I reminded him that he\u2019d promised to do whatever I asked if I agreed to work with him. This was not negotiable. After several minutes of heated debate, he finally said, \u201cIf you think it\u2019s so easy, Doctor, I want to see you do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFair enough,\u201d I said. I had him squirt my armpits and dump water on my head. Then I told him to watch from the doorway.<\/p>\n

I walked up to the cash register, struck the pose, and loudly delivered the line.<\/p>\n

No one cared. People grabbed their Slurpees, paid for their gas, and left. I might as well have been invisible. Martin was stunned. Then I said, \u201cOK, your turn. No excuses now!\u201d<\/p>\n

He was terrified, but he did it.<\/p>\n

The result was completely different. Because he was so handsome, people assumed it was some kind of commercial. They crowded around him, laughing<\/a> and commiserating. Several told him they sweated too and asked if he\u2019d tried this or that deodorant. Some asked what brand he was recommending, and if this would be for a television commercial!<\/p>\n

This blew his mind. It was the exact opposite of what he had expected.<\/p>\n

We went from store to store, taking turns with our sweaty armpit routine. Instead of criticizing or rejecting us, people were friendly and curious. It felt as if everyone was bored<\/a> and happy to encounter something zany and fun.<\/p>\n

Eventually, we wandered into a boutique filled with stylish women\u2019s clothing. I noticed a young woman giving Martin the eye, but he didn\u2019t see it. His mind was trained to filter out anything that contradicted his negative beliefs.<\/p>\n

I told him to approach her and do the exercise. This time, he was adamant. Impossible. Horrible. Off the charts. He was sure she\u2019d find him repulsive.<\/p>\n

I said, \u201cMartin, this is your final assignment. Once you\u2019ve done it, you graduate with high honors. I promise I won\u2019t ask you to do any more shame-attacking exercises.\u201d<\/p>\n

He approached her cautiously, struck the pose, and delivered his line.<\/p>\n

She seemed pleased that he\u2019d approached her, though she appeared slightly puzzled by what he was saying. Within moments, they were deep in conversation. After a few minutes, she said she had to head to Presbyterian Hospital for a doctor\u2019s appointment, but wondered if they might get together for coffee sometime.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat sounds great,\u201d Martin said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d she asked, \u201cwould you need my name and phone number so you could call me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d he said. \u201cThat would help. I\u2019m Martin.\u201d<\/p>\n

She wrote her number on a scrap of paper, placed it in his hand, and gently closed his fist around it. \u201cNow make sure you don\u2019t lose that, Martin,\u201d she said, before walking away.<\/p>\n

Martin just stood there, staring at his closed fist. He looked stunned. He\u2019d just discovered that his flaws were not a barrier to love. His honesty and humility were possibly even endearing to the woman he met, and an invaluable asset that balanced his intimidating good looks.<\/p>\n

Martin and I only met a couple more times after that. His social anxiety didn\u2019t gradually improve\u2014it vanished. Not because he stopped sweating, but because he\u2019d embraced it fully and stopped hiding it in shame.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the part most people don\u2019t understand about anxiety. It isn\u2019t caused by sweating, blushing<\/a>, trembling, or saying the wrong thing. It\u2019s caused by the belief that if people see who you really are, they\u2019ll reject you. Martin tested that belief, publicly and with enormous courage, and discovered something life-changing: The monster he feared had no teeth. <\/p>\n

Another lesson? Shame is like a vampire. It dies the moment it\u2019s exposed to the sunlight.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Disclaimer: This article is nonfiction but describes events that happened many years ago. The dialogue and other details…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":520805,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[59,57,58,50,56,54,55],"class_list":{"0":"post-520804","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-united-kingdom","8":"tag-gb","9":"tag-great-britain","10":"tag-greatbritain","11":"tag-news","12":"tag-uk","13":"tag-united-kingdom","14":"tag-unitedkingdom"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/520804","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=520804"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/520804\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/520805"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=520804"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=520804"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=520804"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}