{"id":551829,"date":"2026-04-26T15:25:08","date_gmt":"2026-04-26T15:25:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/551829\/"},"modified":"2026-04-26T15:25:08","modified_gmt":"2026-04-26T15:25:08","slug":"what-women-say-they-hate-about-porn","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/551829\/","title":{"rendered":"What Women Say They Hate About Porn"},"content":{"rendered":"

Whenever I write about pornography<\/a> without claiming that it\u2019s the downfall of Western Civilization, I get dozens of angry emails (along with a bunch of appreciative ones).<\/p>\n

These emails are written almost exclusively by women. They are eager to tell me two things: first, how porn has made their lives miserable. And second, they’re eager to tell me about me: How I have obviously never met a porn addict<\/a>; have never seen a betrayed woman weep; don\u2019t care about the sexual violence<\/a> supposedly caused by porn; have no clue what healthy sexuality<\/a> is like; and how I clearly hate women.<\/p>\n

Fact: None of these is true. <\/p>\n

I see more people and couples with porn-related difficulties than about 99 percent of the therapists in America. Both my decades of political work supporting healthy sexual expression and my personal life speak for themselves.<\/p>\n

Enough about me.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s fascinating what people blame on porn. You might as well blame food for obesity, or cars for dangerous driving, or kids for bad parenting<\/a>. Of course, obesity involves food, dangerous driving involves cars, and bad parenting involves kids. But if you want to understand problematic behavior, you have to look past the surface.<\/p>\n

Women aren\u2019t really talking about porn when they say, “Porn stole my boyfriend.” \u201cMy husband was too weak to resist porn.\u201d “Men always push you to do kinky stuff until you just give in.\u201d They\u2019re talking about relationships, character, power, integrity, communication, and sexuality. Which is what I keep pointing out. And which some people keep resenting. Because they\u2019d rather argue about porn.<\/p>\n

Here are some of the things women regularly tell me they hate about porn. I both sympathize about the pain they\u2019re obviously in, and I encourage them to think about their situation differently, so that maybe they can resolve it. Because if you think any of the following is a porn problem, you won\u2019t solve it. And if you think any of the following will be solved by banishing porn, you\u2019re wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s lost interest in me sexually.\u201d
This isn\u2019t a porn issue, it\u2019s a couples issue.<\/p>\n

Let’s face it: Most long-term monogamous people notice their sexual desire and frequency decline over time. There are many reasons, from the psychological to the practical to the biological. And despite a jillion advice-givers, no one knows how to change this reliably. All we really know for sure is that not talking about it never makes things better. Unfortunately, that\u2019s the strategy couples try most often.<\/p>\n

When a heartbroken woman says she\u2019s been sexually abandoned in favor of porn, she\u2019s definitely right about being heartbroken; probably right about being sexually abandoned; and almost certainly wrong about the explanation: \u201cIn favor of porn.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe compares me to porn actresses and activities.\u201d
This isn\u2019t a porn issue; it\u2019s a hostility issue.<\/p>\n

Polite. Considerate. Friendly. Sympathetic. We all want our mates to be like this. Unfortunately, people find a million ways to be jerks. They can involve money, dirty socks, sarcasm, chronic lateness, and unfairly comparing someone to someone else. And then acting surprised when the person doesn\u2019t like it.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t blame porn for the jerky way a guy responds to porn. And ladies, don\u2019t you respond to porn by comparing yourself to the actresses he\u2019s watching. People of every gender<\/a> need the skill of not comparing themselves to others, especially as we age.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe leaves evidence of masturbating or porn use around the house.\u201d
This isn\u2019t a porn issue; it\u2019s a selfishness issue.<\/p>\n

Um, see the point above. Selfish people do selfish things. Don\u2019t blame the smoked salmon when he eats the last piece, or the money he spent on himself rather than on you, or the birthday that he didn\u2019t remember. Like his used tissues or porn URLs, they\u2019re innocent\u2014just tools in the hands of a selfish person.<\/p>\n

Pornography Essential Reads<\/p>\n

\u201cHe blames his porn-watching on me.\u201d
This isn\u2019t a porn issue; it\u2019s an irresponsibility issue.<\/p>\n

People who are sexually frustrated respond in a wide range of ways: from suffering silently to infidelity<\/a> to sulking to drinking to getting over-involved in golf or church. Another way some people respond is by blaming: \u201cIf you had more or better sex with me, I wouldn\u2019t watch porn\u201d (or be unfaithful or keep buying new cars).<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a difference between explaining one\u2019s choice (\u201cIt\u2019s my best option\u201d) and seeing oneself as a victim of another\u2019s behavior (\u201cYou gave me no choice\u201d). Additionally, describing one\u2019s own choices in a way that sounds like someone else is getting a well-deserved punishment<\/a> is highly manipulative\u2013and never productive.<\/p>\n

We can\u2019t always control our circumstances, but we can almost always control how we respond to circumstances. \u201cYour inadequacies as a partner drive me to watch porn\u201d is a statement not about porn, but about a dysfunctional relationship.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe says he\u2019ll stop watching, and then I catch him doing it.\u201d
This isn\u2019t a porn issue; it\u2019s an integrity issue.<\/p>\n

People should keep their agreements. The hard part is telling someone, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t want to promise what you want me to promise.\u201d<\/p>\n

Many men report being pushed to give up porn, and they know that if they resist, conflict will continue. Rather than participate in the conflict and try to resolve it, they just acquiesce. Later on, when they\u2019re found breaking the agreement, their partner has a legitimate complaint.<\/p>\n

But instead of saying \u201cHmm, you\u2019ve broken your promise, can we please discuss why?\u201d many women will double down, with \u201cYou know I hate it, you said you\u2019d stop, you obviously haven\u2019t, so now I don\u2019t trust you. And damn it, stop watching porn!\u201d<\/p>\n

He could reply, \u201cHoney, I didn\u2019t want to agree to stop watching, but I just couldn\u2019t face more anger<\/a> and hurt about this, so I said OK. But I don\u2019t want to stop, and I don\u2019t want to lie about not watching. So I\u2019d like to keep watching while we negotiate what we\u2019re going to do about this.\u201d But more typically, men will mumble \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d promise once again to stop, and either stop for a while and resume, or not even stop. And then wonder why their partner is so upset.
~~~~
Note: I am not telling women how to feel. And I’m not telling women to do most of the emotional work<\/a> in a relationship.<\/p>\n

No, I\u2019m saying the opposite: If you\u2019re unhappy with your mate, talk about how you feel, not about what he\u2019s doing wrong, or how he\u2019s causing your unhappiness. Say, \u201cI feel unimportant,\u201d or \u201cpushed away,\u201d or \u201cunattractive,\u201d or \u201clike I don\u2019t matter to you.\u201d These feelings are important, and I\u2019d never take them away from someone. They\u2019re so important that I encourage people who feel this way to share that experience with their mate.<\/p>\n

Then, instead of arguing about porn\u2014and disagreeing until the cows come home\u2014there\u2019s a chance two people could actually talk about something real\u2014how one of them feels, and doesn\u2019t want to feel that way. There\u2019s nothing to disagree about there, and plenty to explore and learn about each other. The closeness that typically results can make talking about a complex issue like pornography less contentious, more productive, and even more intimate.<\/p>\n

Which is, ultimately, way more important than porn\u2014right?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Whenever I write about pornography without claiming that it\u2019s the downfall of Western Civilization, I get dozens of…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":551830,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[59,57,58,50,56,54,55],"class_list":{"0":"post-551829","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-united-kingdom","8":"tag-gb","9":"tag-great-britain","10":"tag-greatbritain","11":"tag-news","12":"tag-uk","13":"tag-united-kingdom","14":"tag-unitedkingdom"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/551829","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=551829"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/551829\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/551830"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=551829"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=551829"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=551829"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}