![\"Sam](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/SEI_274312273-8e29-e1770393705500.jpg\")
\n\t\tMy younger brother (left) was dead (Picture: Sam Meekings)<\/p>\n
\t\t
\n\t\tMy younger brother (left) was dead (Picture: Sam Meekings)<\/p>\n
I was startled awake by my phone<\/a> ringing in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n At first, my groggy brain mistook it for my alarm \u2013\u00a0but it was my mum.<\/p>\n \u2018It\u2019s Luke,\u2019 she said \u2013 and instantly, I knew something terrible had happened.<\/p>\n My younger brother was dead<\/a>. He was just 24.<\/p>\n Luke had pulled over by the side of the road on the way home from work, and by the time the ambulance arrived it was already too late. He\u2019d had cardiomyopathy: a type of heart muscle disease <\/a>that made his heart swell and grow too large.<\/p>\n We never knew.<\/p>\n When I heard the news, the first feeling that rushed through my body was guilt. \u2018I should have taken care of him\u2019, I thought, telling myself we should have noticed how red-faced and short of breath he was.<\/p>\n The rest of that awful day in 2008 is a blur. I must have packed a bag and travelled home to my family, but I can barely remember.<\/p>\n \t\t What I do recall, though, is feeling unbearably nauseous, feverish and panicked.<\/p>\n That feeling stayed inside me as days turned into weeks. But I couldn\u2019t explain all that pain and guilt and desperation to myself, let alone talk about it.<\/p>\n So I kept it all bottled inside, and didn\u2019t even tell anyone at work what had happened. Instead, when I finally went back to the office after two weeks off, I pretended I\u2019d been sick.<\/p>\n Luke was a whirlwind, and the world felt empty without him.<\/p>\n He was a pranker<\/a> and a daredevil. He\u2019d get in trouble at school because he couldn\u2019t sit still: he was forever dreaming up some practical joke or elaborate scheme.<\/p>\n \t\t Life was always a rush for him, and I had to try my best to keep up \u2013\u00a0but I was his companion and co-conspirator, and we were often in fierce competition<\/a> with one another.<\/p>\n Though I moved away from home as an adult, Luke stayed local, picking up jobs as a bouncer and then on a construction site. We would catch up whenever I came home, chatting and laughing about our shared history.<\/p>\n On the day he died, everything stopped making sense. The phone call from my mum kept replaying in my mind.<\/p>\n None of it seemed real. It was like a terrible dream that I couldn\u2019t wake up from.<\/p>\n Without Luke around, I wasn\u2019t sure who I was.<\/p>\n \t\t In the weeks after the funeral, lots of friends called, inviting me out or offering sympathy<\/a>\u00a0\u2013\u00a0but I kept making excuses. I didn\u2019t want to talk about it. I didn\u2019t want help. I just wanted my brother back.<\/p>\n When I went back to work<\/a>, I was ashamed and embarrassed of how broken I felt.<\/p>\n I would find myself feeling tearful and overwhelmed at my desk, and have to run to the loo to hide away and calm myself down. I swung between rage and sadness, anger and confusion.<\/p>\n I tried to push these feelings down, telling myself I was supposed to be stoic and strong for my family.<\/p>\n While my boss knew what had happened, no one else in the office was aware. I squirmed a little when I repeated the lie to my colleagues that I hadn\u2019t been well, but I couldn\u2019t bear the thought of being pitied at work.<\/p>\n \t\t I think some of my co-workers suspected there was more going on, but I became an expert at deflecting questions on how I was doing by giving vague answers and turning conversations back towards them.<\/p>\n I knew, if I spoke about my brother, I might start sobbing and never stop.<\/p>\n So I kept my head down, avoiding the break room and anywhere else I might get caught up in casual conversation \u2013 but I worried I was falling apart. I couldn\u2019t sleep for longer than an hour or two at night, I was losing my appetite, I couldn\u2019t focus at work.\u00a0<\/p>\n That\u2019s when I started writing<\/a>.<\/p>\n At first I wrote short letters to Luke, telling him what he was missing and how angry I was that he\u2019d gone and left us to pick up the pieces.<\/p>\n \t\t\t\tWonder and Loss\t\t\t<\/p>\n Find out more about Sam\u2019s book, Wonder and Loss, here<\/a>.<\/p>\n Then I started writing journals<\/a> in order to process what had happened, focusing on the moments I was at my lowest ebb \u2013 like the time I fleetingly thought I\u2019d seen my brother again in the supermarket<\/a>. I tried to write a little every evening.<\/p>\n By the time I changed jobs a year later, I felt able to try and be open about what I\u2019d been through. I didn\u2019t shoehorn my dead brother into conversation, but neither did I try to change the topic whenever bereavement came up.<\/p>\n But it was only through writing that I was able to articulate my grief to myself.<\/p>\n I wanted to keep Luke alive in spirit; and I got so much pleasure out of recording and reliving our shared history that I began to think it might be beneficial for others too.<\/p>\n That\u2019s when I got the idea for my book, Wonder and Loss.<\/p>\n \t\t Writing the book meant facing the fear of being vulnerable. I had been so ashamed of my emotions that the only place I could be open about them was on the page, but now I was about to share them with the world.<\/p>\n This was terrifying; but seeing the book get published was incredibly worthwhile, because I knew others would know that they weren\u2019t alone in their struggles with grief.<\/p>\n Nowadays, life is still sometimes messy and heartbreaking. Sometimes I feel good, and other days I hear one of Luke\u2019s favourite songs in a movie or TV show and I\u2019m plunged right back into heartbreak.<\/p>\n The difference is that now I know how to get a handle on these difficult times by setting my feelings down in words.<\/p>\n My advice for anyone going through a devastating loss is to be patient. We all grieve differently, and processing grief can be incredibly difficult.<\/p>\n Be kind to yourself, talk to others if you can \u2013 and maybe try putting pen to paper. Without writing, I would have lost myself completely in my pain; instead, I was able to map out a path through the darkness.<\/p>\n Originally published February 10, 2026\u00a0<\/p>\n Do you have a story you\u2019d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk<\/a>.<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n Share your views in the comments below.<\/p>\n Arrow Arrow Arrow![\"Sam](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/SEI_274312072-0cba.jpg\")
\n\t\tHe was a pranker and a daredevil (Picture: Sam Meekings)<\/p>\n![\"Sam](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/SEI_274312064-3104.jpg\")
\n\t\tI was his companion and co-conspirator (Picture: Sam Meekings)<\/p>\n![\"Sam](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/SEI_274312062-017a.jpg\")
\n\t\tIswung between rage and sadness, anger and confusion (Picture: Sam Meekings)<\/p>\n![\"Sam](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/SEI_274312270-7a58.jpg\")
\n\t\tIwrote short letters to Luke, telling him what he was missing and how angry I was that he\u2019d gone and left us to pick up the pieces (Picture: Sam Meekings)<\/p>\n![\"Sam](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/SEI_274312067-e062.jpg\")
\n\t\tI wanted to keep Luke alive in spirit (Picture: Sam Meekings)<\/p>\n
\nMORE: My husband\u2019s cooking saved our marriage \u2013 but people still judge us<\/a><\/p>\n
\nMORE: \u2018I\u2019ve lost a child \u2013 I know what it\u2019s like to not want to live any more\u2019<\/a><\/p>\n
\nMORE: I\u2019m terrified my son will be bullied for the same reason I was<\/a><\/p>\n