Hello, I would like to get the results of a recent routine test.<\/p>\n
Have you logged in to your patient portal?<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
Why not?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s literally the last thing I want to do.<\/p>\n
Log in to the portal.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t want to have to create another password, and also answer a bunch of security questions, in order to access a portal that I will use literally once a year, if that, for the John Lockridge and Daisy Sarno Dermatology Center.<\/p>\n
Speaking of which, why don\u2019t you check this box to receive updates about products from the John Lockridge and Daisy Sarno Dermatology Center?<\/p>\n
Why would I do that? Why would I check that box? Who on earth would want updates on products from a dermatology center? You realize that I\u2019m a human being, right? Flesh, blood, hopes, dreams? I hate plagues; love sunsets, waterslides, and pressing my cheek against a hot metal elephant in a sculpture park. And you think I\u2019d ever click \u201cyes\u201d to receive updates on new products from a medical facility? What\u2019s the assumption here? Like, what do you think we humans are doing all day? Eating shit and waiting for opportunities to receive updates on dermatological products?<\/p>\n
Treat yo\u2019 self, ninja! By logging in to this portal.<\/p>\n
Here are a few things I\u2019d rather do than log in to a portal: Get three mosquito bites. Drive all the way to Encino to have something notarized. Make friends with someone only to realize that she\u2019s a terrifyingly lifelike wooden doll.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s engage in some quick role play. You can be the Idiot.<\/p>\n
Idiot: Excuse me, ma\u2019am? But do you know how I can put my health on blast in a few simple steps?<\/p>\n
Health-Care Industry (me): [Screaming while handing you a baggie full of fire ants] With the patient portal, beeeeeeeeeeeeeyiiiiiiiitch!!!<\/p>\n
If I\u2019m going to engage with any kind of portal, I want it to be a cool portal, like the fantasy kind. I would like it to take me to another dimension, or another world. I would like to slalom through grids, traipse through a mystical purple sea, or think that I\u2019m in the desert when I\u2019m actually inside a magical elk.<\/p>\n
See above, regarding what you\u2019re gonna need to do to see your stupid test results. (Log in to the portal.)<\/p>\n
You realize that you\u2019re part of the reason why there are so many \u201cdeaths of despair\u201d these days, right? I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s your fault entirely, just that you\u2019re part of the general picture.<\/p>\n
Also, you have a random forty-dollar bill to pay that doesn\u2019t make any sense and you\u2019re going to be too lazy to contest it.<\/p>\n
Well, I guess that\u2019s one thing we agree on!\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Hello, I would like to get the results of a recent routine test. Have you logged in to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":555274,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[12436,102,2960,13687,77359,75851,56,54,55,307],"class_list":{"0":"post-555273","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-healthcare","8":"tag-disable-inline-signup-unit","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-healthcare","11":"tag-humor","12":"tag-shouts-murmurs","13":"tag-textaboveleftsmallwithrule","14":"tag-uk","15":"tag-united-kingdom","16":"tag-unitedkingdom","17":"tag-web"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/555273","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=555273"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/555273\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/555274"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=555273"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=555273"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=555273"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}