\n Even the bird poo took on Godzilla-sized proportions on Hove beach front lately. I was wondering why I hadn\u2019t heard any screams from all the sunbathers running away. Guano that size must have come from some fire-breathing dragon. The seafront railings had clearly been singed. I took a closer look. No, it was rust. Then I realised the poo was an art installation. No one screams at art anymore. I\u2019m surprised these giant haystacks \u2013 another way of looking at them \u2013 didn\u2019t blow away. Stuck down as hard as the Donald\u2019s toupee.\n<\/p>\n
\n Nothing seems to shock us anymore. Not even the cost of Sir Keir\u2019s freebie glasses – \u00a32000 is small fry these days.\n<\/p>\n
\n Do you have a parking space going? I actually have four \u2013 they came with the house. But the space isn\u2019t big enough for the motorhome I\u2019m planning on purchasing. I know luxury campervans when I see them. Not these paltry-sized Scottish ones. I\u2019m thinking a 33 ft Winnebago with guest bathroom and king-sized bed. Something you can see from space. The parking space must be a bit out of the way \u2013 I don\u2019t want the wife to know, you know.\n<\/p>\n
\n Because keeping cash in the bank has gone the way of the suitcase under the bed. What with Rachel snooping around and the paltry interest rates. So, holding the keys to the Conservative Party safe, I thought it would be wise to put our meagre resources into something a bit more creative. Wealth doesn\u2019t have to be as literal as actual money. The UK\u2019s doing just fine without it.\n<\/p>\n
\n There\u2019s nothing qualified about my delusions of grandeur. I have a degree in it. I was still at university when I took Amanda to The Savoy. In we waltzed like a couple from Notting Hill, she all in denim, to be plonked round the back of the piano. Afternoon tea? We just said yes \u2013 well, a full fat coke for me \u2013 without running our eye down the menu. Those were the days. I only had 80 quid in the bank which I was frantically portioning out all through the meal. Still, I wasn\u2019t counting quite so closely each mouthful of the fish and chips we had later on in the park. Then Sangeetha and I, while we were students at Sussex, could never decide between the bar in The Grand or the one in the Metropole. Student finance \u2013 mum and dad \u2013 went further back then.\n<\/p>\n
\n But I\u2019ve been running out of ideas on how to max out the party credit card. There are only so many amber necklaces from Two Feathers the wife can take. And I\u2019ve run out of cupboard space for any more salt and pepper grinders. You know it\u2019s all downhill when you get excited about shopping for salt and pepper grinders. Except if they\u2019re Robbe & Berking Leon Sterling Silver Salt Pepper Mills at \u00a33,135.00.\n<\/p>\n
\n I read somewhere recently that someone had bought a \u00a360 bread bin. But why buy a bin when you can buy a bread crock? I did think that for \u00a3300 it came with a year\u2019s supply from Gail\u2019s. But the fact it was advertised in House & Garden took the sting out of my disappointment.\n<\/p>\n
\n I have to say, unlike Nicola Sturgeon, the Tory-bashing ex-leader of the free world, the wife did start to ask questions when I bought myself a \u00a375 Men\u2019s Slouch Pouch Onesie. We haven\u2019t got that kind of money \u2013 she went on about it all night. I think she was envious. But it did take her mind off the new Damien Hirst in the kitchen, although I think she\u2019s taken it for a damp stain.\n<\/p>\n
\n Bought that, champagne in hand, at the avantgarde Helm art gallery last weekend surrounded by the pink-shirted cognoscenti of Brighton. Definitely a different species from those middle-aged hipsters round the corner at Caravanserai I can tell you. Surely art will be a sound investment. It also takes up less space than posh crockery. A lot of it looked like it had fallen off the back of a container ship from Brobdingnag \u2013 you know, the land of the giants from Gulliver\u2019s travels.\n<\/p>\n
\n I couldn\u2019t make up my mind \u2013 should I buy the giant framed sculpture of a sachet of mayonnaise \u2013 without the mayonnaise; the King Kong-sized rizla wrapper; or a hefty plate with selected swear words etched round the rim?\n<\/p>\n
\n Not the kind of art you\u2019d find in John Lewis. If only I\u2019d had another couple of grand on me at the time. Trouble is, I did have a couple of eyes \u2013 and I couldn\u2019t believe them.\n<\/p>\n
\n Alistair McNair is Leader of the Conservatives on Brighton and Hove City Council.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Even the bird poo took on Godzilla-sized proportions on Hove beach front lately. I was wondering why I…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":625178,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[31],"tags":[6225,6485,6486,1120,96,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-625177","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-arts-and-design","tag-arts","tag-arts-and-design","tag-artsanddesign","tag-design","tag-entertainment","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/625177","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=625177"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/625177\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/625178"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=625177"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=625177"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=625177"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}