I have been with my partner Martin for 10 years, and he has always told me that he doesn\u2019t want to get married. He thinks that the institution of marriage is a way for the state to control us. He also thinks that marriage is inherently patriarchal \u2013 and, honestly, I can\u2019t argue with him about any of this.<\/p>\n
But the truth is that I\u2019ve had my whole wedding day mapped out in my\u00a0head since I was seven. As a child I\u00a0loved daydreaming about adulthood, and a huge wedding was\u00a0the most adult\u00a0thing I could possibly imagine. When other children were playing Pok\u00e9mon, I was thinking about precisely how many tiki torches\u00a0I wanted to light the way to the\u00a0blessing ceremony. I didn\u2019t really visualise the groom; he was a kind of\u00a0blurry Ken-doll figure. My visions mainly centred around myself.<\/p>\n
Despite all my childhood wedding planning, I\u2019d given up on the idea of getting married \u2013 until I watched Too\u00a0Much, Lena Dunham\u2019s 2025 Netflix show about a loud, chaotic American woman, Jessica (Meg Stalter), who is overly intense and frequently displays poor judgment, such as getting wasted at a work party and stealing a soap dish.<\/p>\n
Her love interest, Felix, played by\u00a0Will Sharpe, is flawed and difficult\u00a0himself \u2013 but he just adores Jessica in\u00a0this dogged, unquestioning way. And that is my other big weakness. Time and time again \u2013 on\u00a0screen and in\u00a0real life \u2013 I just love\u00a0a\u00a0man who falls\u00a0hard for a\u00a0slightly\u00a0mad woman.<\/p>\n
double quotation markMy argument was essentially: I\u00a0love you even more than these characters on TV love each other<\/p>\n
I think this kind of story speaks to me because I see myself as the flappy, loud woman and Martin as the devoted partner who loves her anyway. Felix reminds me of Martin in\u00a0other ways, too. Having read Dunham\u2019s autobiography, Famesick, she seems to have a thing for a grungy indie boy. The kind of man who might be found wearing a leather jacket, and playing a small drum. Martin was wearing a skull-and-crossbones neckerchief the second time I met him, to cover the love bites I gave him from the night before.<\/p>\n
In the final episode of the show, the couple get married, and what struck me most about this wedding scene was its casualness. It\u2019s set on the steps of a\u00a0town hall in London, and after the bride and groom have their first kiss, Felix turns to Jessica and says: \u201cSo how long do you want to stay married for?\u201d I\u00a0liked the way that joke collapsed the tension of the moment. It also felt more romantic to me because it was truthful. I like the idea of choosing to be with the person you\u2019re with afresh, every day, rather than believing that the vows somehow lock you in and dictate that you are going to be together for ever.<\/p>\n
I\u00a0was watching the final episode alone at my parents\u2019 house in London, and as the credits rolled I felt so swept up with love that I called Martin and proposed to him over the phone. My argument was essentially: I\u00a0love you even more than these characters love each other in this TV show, so why can\u2019t we get married too?<\/p>\n
Martin hadn\u2019t watched any of Too Much, so he was a bit confused, but I\u00a0won him round by promising him that I didn\u2019t want to have the huge wedding I\u2019d been planning since I was seven any more. (Martin\u2019s nightmare is to be the centre of attention, but I must admit I love the idea.)<\/p>\n
We could do it in my parents\u2019 house. Or anywhere, really. And we didn\u2019t have to invite any guests. For all his talk of state-sponsored control and the patriarchy, Martin is quite romantic, really. He hates the concept of a Big Day, but he probably likes the idea of lifelong commitment more than I do. It took some persuading, but he said yes.<\/p>\n
Martin and I will get married this September in my parents\u2019 kitchen. There will be no cake, or white dress, and no tiki torches. I keep trying to sneak more people on to the guestlist and Martin keeps crossing them out. But there will be a wedding. I have Lena Dunham to thank for that.<\/p>\n
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