Just about everyone has heard someone say, \u201cWe have chemistry,\u201d as if they have some magic force that is invisible and unexplainable between them.<\/p>\n
However, human neuroscience<\/a> tells another story: It appears that what we refer to as \u201cchemistry\u201d actually occurs in terms of how the brain processes those first few minutes of any interaction. The words that you use, the questions that you ask, and the way you respond to other people all have tremendous power to shape how that person feels about you.<\/p>\n Here are three neuroscience-backed ways to build chemistry with anyone you meet. <\/p>\n 1. Give Their Brain a Positive Emotional Experience<\/p>\n The worst way to start a conversation where you want to boost chemistry is by asking the typical question, \u201cHow are you?\u201d<\/p>\n The problem with \u201cHow are you?\u201d is that it will ultimately produce a very predictable answer, and after that, the person you are talking to will lose interest in talking to you.<\/p>\n Instead of asking a question that produces a predictable response, i.e., \u201cHow are you?\u201d use a question that makes someone think back to a positive memory<\/a> about themselves, such as;<\/p>\n What made you smile today?<\/p>\n What are you looking forward to this week?<\/p>\n What would you say has been the best experience of the month so far?<\/p>\n According to research, recalling a positive memory can actually re-establish the positive feelings associated with that memory, which temporarily increases overall positive feelings (Joormann & Siemer, 2004). In addition to feeling an increased sense of “positive emotion<\/a>,” you also become associated with this positive feeling, boosting your overall connection. Chemistry is not created out of thin air! This approach helps your first experience with another person be a positive one, so they walk away feeling good about you and the interaction. <\/p>\n 2. Keep the Conversation Rewarding With Dopamine Hits<\/p>\n One of the brain’s major reward systems \u2014 our mesolimbic dopamine<\/a> pathway \u2014 will respond to potential rewards we are about to receive (Berridge & Robinson, 2016) and urge us to pursue them.<\/p>\n To make a rewarding conversational exchange, you should have curiosity for that person first. When someone tells you a story, like what happened on that trip, as an example, instead of answering the person immediately with your story about your trip, ask them another question: What happened after that? Michael, why did you choose to do that?<\/p>\n Include the person’s name in your follow-up questions. Your name is one of the most meaningful things to you because it captures your attention<\/a>, activates the areas of your brain that process the self, and causes the brain to release dopamine, a reward chemical (Carmody & Lewis, 2006). <\/p>\n When combined with some follow-up questions, using the person’s name will show him or her that you find them interesting and make them want to keep talking. Charismatic<\/a> speakers often get the credit for being good speakers, but they are truly great listeners who make others feel appreciated and special.<\/p>\n 3. Mirroring for Rapport<\/p>\n Have you met someone and didn’t know why you felt comfortable around him or her? Your body was silently communicating with theirs.<\/p>\n The “chameleon effect” has been documented by psychologists: Our innate ability to subconsciously mimic or mirror each other’s body postures, gestures, facial expressions, or the way a person speaks to us creates a sense of likeness and mutual rapport (Chartrand & Bargh, 1999).<\/p>\n Subtlety is key \u2014 when you abruptly copy someone’s body movements, it feels forced and, in my humble opinion, disingenuous. Instead, over the duration of a conversation, be mindful<\/a> of your body language<\/a> so it gradually blends in with theirs. If they lean in, you lean in. If they speak slowly, then you should speak slowly. Smile back if they smile.<\/p>\n The point is to attune your body language to each person. You will be able to develop a more meaningful connection with him or her by making the other person feel safe and secure when they are around you.<\/p>\n Hope Grows with Connection<\/p>\n Chemistry does not have to be mysterious, and it’s not something you have or you don’t. <\/p>\n Neuroscience Essential Reads<\/p>\n