During recess on the last week of school, our 10-year-old son got pantsed by a couple of kids. He was rightfully upset and chased them down. Fortunately, he did not resort to violence, but he made it very clear that they were never to touch him again or he would defend himself in the future.<\/p>\n
The incident was reported to staff, and the principal intervened and spoke with the boys responsible. Apparently, they had been doing it to several other kids on the playground as well. Some children felt humiliated and were seen crying. Others turned inward and stayed silent. I have always insisted that our son express his feelings, so he never has to keep things bottled up or wonder whether anyone cares about his concerns.<\/p>\n
I am proud that our son has learned early in life that he has a right to demand that his physical boundaries<\/a> be respected. More importantly, he understands that he also has a right to express emotional boundaries. He knows the power of the word no, and he is willing to use it. Watching him stand up for himself made me reflect that I did not learn this right until much later in my adult life.<\/p>\n The Importance of Teaching Relational Boundaries in Families<\/p>\n In therapy<\/a>, one of the biggest lessons I see missing from many families is the teaching of relational boundaries. Whether because of culture, religion, or family dynamics, many parents are hesitant to teach their children how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Relational boundaries mean helping children understand that they have a right to express their needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings. That does not mean parents kowtow to their kids, but it does mean children are allowed to have a voice.<\/p>\n In many traditional Asian households, that right can quickly become viewed as wrong. Children learn that their parents do not see them as independent people with their own autonomy and self-expression. Instead, they are taught to obey, conform<\/a>, and avoid disagreement. Some of this stems from centuries-old Confucian and cultural values that emphasize collectivism, harmony, and group cohesion. While those values have strengths, they can also create real challenges later in life when adults struggle to identify their own needs, wants, and emotions.<\/p>\n As a child, I learned this way of relating. Stay quiet, stuff it down, let others mistreat you. So that is exactly what happened. In elementary school, I allowed a classmate to repeatedly slap me on the back of the neck at school. I never said a word. I simply let it happen.<\/p>\n As an adult, I would later endure racial slurs and insults directed at me in public. I let those slide, too. I vividly remember one incident at a bar when my girlfriend at the time was targeted as well. She turned to me and said, \u201cAren\u2019t you going to say anything?!\u201d I shrugged my shoulders and pretended it didn\u2019t bother me. Inside, I was seething. I felt violated and angry about the injustice, but I also felt powerless to speak up or even report it to management<\/a>.<\/p>\n Even in less offensive situations, I struggled to express what I wanted. During college, I worked at Red Robin with the goal of becoming a waiter. I watched the girls who had been hired up to a year after me quickly go from hosting to server, while I remained a busser. I assumed hard work alone would eventually earn me a promotion. That\u2019s what my parents told me growing up. \u201cDon\u2019t say anything. Do good work. Your bosses will reward you. Just keep quiet.\u201d That\u2019s the Asian way, but it\u2019s not the American way.<\/p>\n A coworker gave me a reality check. He said, \u201cSam, if you want to be a waiter, you have to demand it!\u201d He pointed to Roger, a guy who had been a busser for four years. \u201cIf you don\u2019t say anything, you\u2019re going to be like him!\u201d It was so countercultural to hear this. What about the dedication and loyalty I had already shown? Looking back, it was one of my earliest lessons in self-advocacy.<\/p>\n It does not get easier in dating<\/a> and marriage<\/a>. When you consistently suppress your needs and desires, even when you know they may not be met, resentment, passive-aggressive<\/a> behavior, and codependency can begin to take root. I know because that was me. I became known as a \u201cyes\u201d man.<\/p>\n During my first marriage, which ended more than 25 years ago, I simply went along with whatever my ex wanted. She wanted me to drop my Chinese surname and adopt her Korean last name, so I did. She wanted to move by herself from Ohio to New York so she could pursue an acting career<\/a>, while I stayed in Ohio. I agreed. When concerned friends questioned the decision, I responded with generic platitudes like, \u201cLove is about sacrifice!\u201d<\/p>\n In my first career in television broadcasting, I also failed to establish physical boundaries. I allowed a manager to make unwanted sexual<\/a> advances toward me without reporting it. I felt obligated to comply, even drinking more alcohol<\/a> than I wanted to. Eventually, the situation escalated beyond what I was comfortable with before I finally said stop.<\/p>\n Personal Perspectives Essential Reads<\/p>\n A close relative later asked me, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you just say no?!\u201d I responded, \u201cBecause I didn\u2019t think I could.\u201d He looked at me, perplexed.<\/p>\n That is why, when I hear stories involving poor boundaries in therapy or life, I understand. I never ask why someone couldn\u2019t say anything against domestic violence<\/a>, sexual abuse<\/a>, emotional abuse<\/a>, verbal abuse, or racial abuse. Often, the ability to establish boundaries was never taught in the first place. And what is not taught can easily be passed down to the next generation unless we consciously choose to teach something different.<\/p>\n The Value of Learning to Say No<\/p>\n