{"id":662576,"date":"2026-06-28T10:21:19","date_gmt":"2026-06-28T10:21:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/662576\/"},"modified":"2026-06-28T10:21:19","modified_gmt":"2026-06-28T10:21:19","slug":"if-i-wasnt-happy-challenged-fulfilled-id-be-a-worse-parent-two-couples-reveal-how-they-combine-riding-bikes-with-raising-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/662576\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cIf I wasn’t happy, challenged, fulfilled, I\u2019d be a worse parent” \u2013 two couples reveal how they combine riding bikes with raising kids"},"content":{"rendered":"

If his blank verse is reflective of his attitude, the poet Philip Larkin was of the belief your parents will mess you up whether they mean to or not.<\/p>\n

If that sounds like moral permission to clad yourself in Lycra seven days a week and disappear into the lanes for hours on end, bear in mind Larkin was brought up in Coventry and his father was a Nazi sympathiser.<\/p>\n

At the risk of sounding like Bill Clinton in 1998, any answer to the question ‘can you be a good cyclist and a good parent?’ depends on what the meaning of the word ‘good’ is.<\/p>\n

Indeed, few behaviours can be more subjective than what constitutes ‘good’ child-rearing. You can spend hours scrolling through a Mumsnet forum and still not come close to stumbling upon a consensus.<\/p>\n

Almost as nebulous is the notion of the ‘good cyclist’, although we all know one when we encounter them. There are plenty of books on great cyclists, but not quite so many on good ones. <\/p>\n

The problem many find with being simultaneously a good parent and a good cyclist is one of balance: both activities demand huge chunks of your day. So, is being happy, satisfied \u2013 and, yes, good \u2013 in both parenting and cycling possible?<\/p>\n

Opening new worlds
\n\"\"Training for an event such as L’Etape du Tour as a parent of young children is a daunting but doable task. A.S.O.\/Jennifer Lindini<\/p>\n

Better placed to comment than a dead poet \u2013 indeed, than perhaps anyone \u2013 is Dr Claire Buky-Webster, a clinical psychologist who specialises in parenting. As well as the mother to seven-year-old Ruby and Flo, aged five, Buky-Webster is a Cat 3 racer with Brixton CC.<\/p>\n

It wouldn\u2019t be a stretch to say Buky-Webster could write a book of her own on what it is to be ‘a good parent’, which she distils to \u201cbeing interested and curious about who your child is and what they want, while bringing experiences to them, opening their horizons, making them see things in a new way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rather than being at odds with her athletic ambitions, she and her husband Ben, who makes clear he does not identify as a cyclist, see these goals as \u201csymbiotic\u201d to her two-wheeled pursuits.<\/p>\n

Getting to watch their mum train and race has helped their older daughter build \u201cthis kind of belief in herself, in terms of what she can do on a bike, by opening up a world that she wouldn’t necessarily have seen otherwise, of people being competitive.\u201d<\/p>\n

Even crashes, including one from which Claire emerged unscathed but ended up writing off a wheel, can present learning experiences: \u201cYou want to teach your children that it’s okay to fall off, it’s okay to hurt yourself. You’ll still be all right. You can weather this storm.\u201d<\/p>\n

Making time for herself and making it clear to their children the importance of that time \u201chas been a good way of setting some boundaries\u201d, helping them see Claire as a person in her own right, beyond being their mum.<\/p>\n

\u201cHaving this set in stone thing in the family calendar that I go out on a Sunday evening has actually been a real strength,\u201d she says. \u201cIt benefits me; it benefits them. They’re improving their relationship with Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n

On a fundamental level, there\u2019s also the impact on her physical health: \u201cThis hobby that keeps me really fit needs to be in place to be able to be a good parent,\u201d Buky-Webster says.<\/p>\n

This doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s all been plain sailing, or that she hasn\u2019t touched the limits of what she can fit in. Until recently, Buky-Webster engaged the services of a coach but has recently relinquished the formalised, five-day-a-week training programme.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think if I’m really stressed because I’ve got so much to try and fit in, then I\u2019m a snappy, grumpy parent. Exercise helps me to stop being snappy and grumpy, but if the exercise is the thing that’s causing it because I’m trying to fit it in [that\u2019s a problem].<\/p>\n

\u201cAlthough I managed to keep the plates spinning,\u201d she says, \u201cit took me to the edge of what was possible, in terms of keeping my sanity, whilst making sure there\u2019s food in the fridge, a meal to be cooked, getting laundry done, and doing my work.\u201d<\/p>\n

Reducing her training load has, she says, allowed her to find \u201ca much better balance. I’m still able to keep up with the group that I want to keep up with, and I’m still able to be competitive \u2013 probably because I put those two years of really hard work into training.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sharing the load
\n\"\"Maintaining many different interests and responsibilities require much organisation. Getty Images<\/p>\n

For his part, Ben denies ever being reduced to the role of \u201ca cycling widower,\u201d and is at pains to point out that \u201cClaire does more than her fair share of parenting. I’m not left picking up the pieces just because Claire has a very full-on hobby\u201d.<\/p>\n

They appreciate that their experience is \u201cnot the status quo,\u201d that \u201cit’s more unusual to have a mum who is the dominant cyclist\u201d in the family, and that \u201cwe made this work because there are a number of factors that allow me to be more flexible. If I didn’t have those things, it wouldn’t be possible in the same way that it might be for a man\u201d.<\/p>\n

However much the parenting gender gap might have narrowed over recent generations \u2013 especially within middle-class families \u2013 it\u2019s still an observable one.<\/p>\n

At the same time, the sheer amount of parenting needed to do to be viewed as ‘good’ has only increased over that same period.<\/p>\n

As the cognitive neuroscientist Rebecca Saxe notes in the recent BBC Sounds series, Child: \u201cThe cultural acceptability of parenting today is so much more intense than it\u2019s ever been, because how we think about children and how we think about attachment has heaped much more work and labour on the primary attachment figure \u2013 normally the mother.\u201d<\/p>\n

In other words, a mother of young children who disappears for a five-hour ride on a Saturday morning may be viewed differently from a father who does the same.<\/p>\n

\"\"A mother is more likely to be judged negatively for heading out on a long ride than a father. Getty Images<\/p>\n

She is also likely to judge herself more harshly, as barrister Tom Coke-Smyth readily acknowledges: \u201cWomen feel guiltier, while men feel less guilty about going off and doing exercise,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

Penge CC\u2019s Tom is \u201ca good cyclist\u201d by anyone\u2019s standards. Pressed to put a number on it, he says he recently achieved a goal of holding 1,000W for 30 seconds. Between gym, the track, roller sessions and road rides, he tries to fit in 8 to 12 hours of training a week. <\/p>\n

However, he admits \u201cI probably get a bit more latitude for cycling stuff\u201d, with sleep clearly taking more of a hit than his domestic responsibilities.<\/p>\n

He and his wife Ellie (also a barrister) aim for \u201ca 50-50 split\u201d when it comes to caring for their three daughters, six-year-old Lara, and four-year-old twins, Robyn and Heidi. The key is communication and planning. He half-jokes the couple operate a form of \u201cshift-based parenting\u201d.<\/p>\n

While cycling \u201ccan definitely put more pressure on the family as a whole, so there’s less overall flex, the plus side is more structure. It forces you to be more organised. <\/p>\n

“We have more conversations about who’s doing what on weekends, and they get more out of that because they get a proper session with me, a proper session with my wife. They don’t get the two of us just sitting around wondering what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

The power of example
\n\"\"The work and dedication a parent puts into their hobby sets a good example to their children. Getty Images<\/p>\n

As it does for Claire, Ben and their children, Tom\u2019s cycling nourishes not only his own needs but those of the whole family. \u201cIf I wasn’t happy, challenged, fulfilled, which I get a lot of from cycling, I\u2019d definitely be a worse parent,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s confident Ellie would agree: \u201cI think she’d say I’d be an absolute pain in the arse if I didn’t have cycling!\u201d They both also believe strongly in the power of example, afforded by pushing himself as hard on the bike as he possibly can.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoing it well for me means getting better, learning from your mistakes and trying to fulfil as much of your potential as you can,\u201d Tom says. <\/p>\n

Cycling helps him to relate to his children\u2019s disappointments, while allowing him to demonstrate he experiences disappointment too. <\/p>\n

Coming up short in races, as inevitably happens, presents opportunities \u201cto show it doesn\u2019t matter if you don\u2019t win, it\u2019s about having a go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn’t really have a conversation like that with them about work,\u201d he notes.<\/p>\n

Similarly, qualities such as \u201ccommitment, consistency, and discipline,\u201d which any parent would like their children to pick up, are easier to show than tell.<\/p>\n

And by including their children in their hobbies, Claire and Tom are able to be not just good parents, but better ones. <\/p>\n

Not everyone has Tom\u2019s laser focus nor Claire\u2019s ability to balance competing demands. And of course, not every parent is in the same practical position, nor has a partner as supportive as Ben, or as accommodating as Ellie.<\/p>\n

Timing matters too. \u201cLike everything,\u201d Tom points out, \u201cit gets easier as they get older. I think this would have been really difficult in the newborn phase.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Austrian child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim, building on the work of English psychotherapist Donald Winnicott, urged parents to aim not for \u201cgood\u201d but \u201cgood enough.\u201d <\/p>\n

His goal was to free parents from prescriptive methods, \u201cto respond to the individual child rather than relying on a rigid set of rules,\u201d to view parenting as more art than science.<\/p>\n

Might the same approach apply to cycling? If you can\u2019t be good, perhaps you can be \u201cgood enough\u201d?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"If his blank verse is reflective of his attitude, the poet Philip Larkin was of the belief your…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":662577,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37],"tags":[4985,101,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-662576","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-cycling","tag-cycling","tag-sports","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/662576","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=662576"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/662576\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/662577"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=662576"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=662576"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=662576"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}