![\"Official](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/108757.webp\")
<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
EPISODE 13 “It’s just a quick pitch session. You won’t have to stay long,” the Boss wheedles.<\/p>\n
“Thanks, but…” I reply.<\/p>\n
“Come on, you’ll meet some new people.”<\/p>\n
“Boring people,” the PFY interjects.<\/p>\n
“… and hear some stories…”<\/p>\n
“Boring stories…”<\/p>\n
“You might even learn something!” the Boss pleads.<\/p>\n
“Something boring,” the PFY says.<\/p>\n
And he’s not wrong. Cross-department pitch sessions are drier than a sawdust sandwich in the Sahara. To add insult to injury, the sessions are scheduled at the end of the day and we’re all crammed in the boardroom for the duration.<\/p>\n
“Oh no,” the Boss counters, when I mention it. “It’s being held at the pub across the road. We booked the upstairs bar.”<\/p>\n
>Kaching!<<\/p>\n
“You know what, some users have really great ideas!” the PFY lies.<\/p>\n
“And I’ve often wanted to hear more about the benefits of controlling the air-conditioning system from a VBA macro in Excel,” I chirp.<\/p>\n
… later that evening…<\/p>\n
“What’s that noise?” the Boss asks, as the PFY and I enter the upstairs bar of our local.<\/p>\n
“What noise?” <\/p>\n
“That clicking noise.”<\/p>\n
“Oh that! That’s my Steigercounter,” the PFY admits.<\/p>\n
“Your what?”<\/p>\n
“My Steigercounter.”<\/p>\n
“You mean… Geiger counter?”<\/p>\n
“No, no, Steigercounter, i.e. Rod Steiger. It\u2026 uh\u2026 detects weirdos.”<\/p>\n
“Weirdos?”<\/p>\n
“Yeah, you know. People who exist outside the normal distribution \u2013 in more ways than one. A Beancounter who thinks that AI is secretly changing the numbers in his spreadsheet to make him look bad.”<\/p>\n
“Is it?” the Boss asks, concerned.<\/p>\n
“Of course not, that’s just Stephen,” I respond, nodding at the PFY. “You have to make your own fun.”<\/p>\n
“And… that’s… your… Steigercounter?” the Boss asks, pointing at a large badge on my lapel.<\/p>\n
“No, I don’t use a Steigercounter. I have an Affleckometer.”<\/p>\n
“Which is?”<\/p>\n
“It’s nothing to do with witches. It detects the presence of dull or overrated people.”<\/p>\n
“The badge does?” the Boss asks.<\/p>\n
“No, the badge is a dosimeter. The reading on the badge, which has gone up two bars \u2013 or 20 centiMusks \u2013 since I’ve been speaking to you, will report a critical exposure to dull or overrated people.”<\/p>\n
“What happens then?”<\/p>\n
“If I’m overexposed, I’d probably need to take a break to detox \u2013 or do some alcohol therapy. Either way, though, it’s a bit of a zero-sum game.”<\/p>\n
“In\u2026 uh\u2026 what way?”<\/p>\n
“A break doesn’t lower the exposure level, though alcohol will. The only problem is that alcohol raises the exposure gain. It’s basically a race condition.”<\/p>\n
“You say that like it’s a problem?”<\/p>\n
“Well, yes. The danger is that over time you might start seriously considering what they’re talking about.”<\/p>\n
“And how do you prevent that?” the Boss asks dryly.<\/p>\n
“It’s an imprecise science,” I reply, stepping over to the bar, “though the key point is \u2013 as for most self-medication \u2013 start slowly and pace yourself.”<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
“So you see,” a user explains, “AI could look around the office and see if people appear hot or cold and automatically make adjustments to the air conditioning.”<\/p>\n
“Sounds great,” the PFY says, downing a large glass of therapy. “Tell me less.”<\/p>\n
“Less?”<\/p>\n
“Oh, sorry, I meant more.”<\/p>\n
“Well, you see, if you had cameras in every…”<\/p>\n
“I think we could use AI to improve workplace morale,” a user tells the Boss and me.<\/p>\n
“Really?” I say, reaching for a pint of medication.<\/p>\n
“Yes, you see, I have always struggled with self-love,” he admits.<\/p>\n
“Not in a physical way I hope?” I ask, now that my medication is taking effect.<\/p>\n
“No, I mean AI would be an ideal tool to offer positive reinforcement. It would make people happier, which would in turn make the workplace happier.”<\/p>\n
“Don’t they already do that with prescription pharmaceuticals?” I ask.<\/p>\n
“No. AI could encourage you in everything you do \u2013 just small comments to lift your self-esteem.”<\/p>\n
“Oh, you mean the lift telling you that you pressed the first-floor button really well. Or the toilet telling you that you totally nailed that last run of\u2026 well, runs.”<\/p>\n
“I don’t know how you’d implement it, but you’re the IT guys. Surely you can figure out some positive message criteria for AI to use on us.”<\/p>\n
What concerns me is that the Boss hasn’t had any medication, but still seems to think this is a good idea. To make matters worse, my dosimeter screen has started blinking and I don’t think I have the capacity for more medication. Time to switch to the single-malt medication…<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
The next day I drag myself into work suffering the effects of what can only be described as a medication error. The PFY appears to be similarly disabled, and flashbacks from last night keep coming back to me. Something vague about writing a bit of code for the PA system?<\/p>\n
>CRASH<<\/p>\n
“I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLOODY JOKING ABOUT THAT TOILET THING!” the Boss rants.<\/p>\n
Oh yeah. But on the building PA system.<\/p>\n
It seemed like a good idea at the time.<\/p>\n
Damn that alcohol therapy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"EPISODE 13 “It’s just a quick pitch session. You won’t have to stay long,” the Boss wheedles. “Thanks,…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":684190,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[554,733,4308,86,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-684189","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-artificial-intelligence","tag-ai","tag-artificial-intelligence","tag-artificialintelligence","tag-technology","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=684189"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684189\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/684190"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=684189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=684189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=684189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}