Most of us want our colleagues to like us. After all, we spend more of our time in the company of the people with whom we work than with anybody else, including family. <\/p>\n
The relationships we build at work can shape our day-to-day experience and are a major factor in how happy we are in our jobs. A 2024 Catalyst survey found that the higher the quality of working relationships, the more likely employees were to report high job satisfaction and engagement. Retention increases and burnout<\/a> levels drop. <\/p>\n We want to feel accepted and included, creating a strong pull to be part of the crowd and to be positively received. This desire for connection and acceptance is normal and, in many ways, positive. <\/p>\n For leaders, however, this instinct can undermine the very credibility they need to lead effectively.<\/p>\n The Problem With Trying to Be Liked<\/p>\n I started my first managerial role in my early twenties. Two of my team members were only a few years younger than me, in their late teens. I felt I had more in common with them than with my much older peers. Naturally, I acted more like their friend than their manager.<\/p>\n Although they reported to me, they also worked closely with other managers, who weren\u2019t impressed with their performance and made their views very clear to me. <\/p>\n My friendships became an issue. I found myself softening colleagues\u2019 criticisms because I didn\u2019t want to come down too hard on people with whom I had become friends. But even the softer criticisms I shared landed badly with people who trusted me, seeming like a betrayal. <\/p>\n In the end, I disappointed both groups and learned a valuable lesson. <\/p>\n Perhaps it\u2019s more natural for young people at the beginning of their careers to lean towards making friends at work, but the desire to be liked can be a challenge at all levels. When we want to be liked, we tend to over-accommodate and avoid difficult conversations. People-pleasers do not necessarily make great leaders; you need to challenge and provoke people to bring out the best in them and help them discover their own potential. <\/p>\n The Difference Between Being Liked and Being Likeable<\/p>\n Rather than seeking to be liked, leaders should focus on being likeable, according to Jenni Field, author of Nobody Believes You<\/a>. Being likeable is less about popularity and more about how we show up with others \u2014 being approachable, respectful, easy to work with, and able to fit within a group without needing to be at its centre. <\/p>\n Field explained, \u201cIf I need to be liked, I\u2019m focusing too much on the human need to belong and feel part of something.\u201d She argues that being likeable is a more sustainable goal, especially at work, because it allows us to build good relationships without conflating them with friendship<\/a> or universal approval. <\/p>\n \u201cI think leaders and managers can get stuck wanting to be liked and not wanting to upset anyone. That becomes such a governing practice that it affects your ability to make difficult decisions and hard calls.\u201d<\/p>\n When leaders try too hard to be liked, it can adversely affect their credibility within an organisation, precisely for these reasons. When we need to make tough choices, likeability can ensure they are more readily accepted. <\/p>\n Field sees likeability as part of credibility, rather than separate from it. As she explains, \u201cIf you are not likeable, if I don\u2019t even want to be around you, then I\u2019m not going to follow or believe in you.\u201d Being likeable makes people more likely to listen to our arguments and take them seriously, rather than automatically challenging them. <\/p>\n Credibility relies on the respect we gain for making the right choices, not always the popular ones. People rarely follow leaders because they’re popular; they follow those they trust to make good decisions.<\/p>\n Becoming a More Likeable Leader<\/p>\n Field suggests some simple, practical steps leaders can take to help them increase their likeability and, in turn, their credibility. <\/p>\n Seek Working Relationships, Not Friendships<\/p>\n At work, you don\u2019t need to be everybody\u2019s friend. But you do want people to feel that you are \u201cnice to be around\u201d. Make sure you have clear boundaries<\/a> so that people understand that being friendly does not mean you are their personal friend.<\/p>\n Be Self-Aware<\/p>\n Understand how you come across to others and the impact your engagement style has on them. This might mean adjusting the pace at which you speak, your tone of voice, your tendency to overwhelm, or simply checking that instructions have been taken on board. It also means being willing to adapt if your message isn\u2019t resonating. <\/p>\n Invest in Small Moments<\/p>\n Don\u2019t try too hard to find rapport or build warmth. A cup of tea with a team member, whether through small talk or a simple check-in away from the transactional question of whether someone is doing their job effectively, can all help create connection. <\/p>\n Build Trust Before Challenging <\/p>\n If you are fair in most of your interactions with team members, you earn the right to challenge them constructively later. Don\u2019t make every interaction a pushback; give praise and support first. <\/p>\n