ONS data<\/a> shows that the number of people getting married in England and Wales continues to fall year on year, and among those who do get married, the median age is at historic highs of 34.8 for men and 33 for women. Last year, the birthrate was at its lowest since 1977 and the average age of a first-time homeowner climbed to 34. There are many reasons, from political failings to the tectonic plates of our culture shifting beneath our feet, but the common denominator is financial squeeze.<\/p>\nOyinda sent save-the-dates almost a year in advance for her 30th: four days in Mykonos that she wanted to treat \u201clike a wedding\u201d. Her guests arrived at a villa decorated with her childhood photos and were given personalised gift bags and a printed itinerary including a meal made by a private chef, a boat trip and several beach clubs, all of which she saved up to subsidise. \u201cGrowing up, I thought I\u2019d have reached lots of milestones by 30, but for people my age things like getting married and buying a house require a lot of money,\u201d she says. \u201cWe still want to lean into life experiences and be celebrated even when we may not achieve those things. I wanted to go all out for my 30th and be as extra as I could be, to celebrate how much I\u2019ve grown as a person and the friends I\u2019ve made over three decades.\u201d<\/p>\n
Krisha and friends in the Dominican Republic for a week-long birthday celebration. Photograph: Manish Arora<\/p>\n
Krisha, who flew to the Dominican Republic for a week of hiking, safaris, horse riding and massages to mark a new friend\u2019s birthday, feels similarly \u2013 why not \u201cspend on a bucket-list experience\u201d in a time when saving for a house deposit feels futile? She also flags the double standards when you\u2019re rallying around one person versus a couple. \u201cI find it interesting that when I tell people I flew across the world for a birthday party they say it\u2019s insane, but when it\u2019s for a wedding they don\u2019t question it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Where people put their money is changing, but what about when you can\u2019t afford it full stop? Polly from the Midlands felt backed into a corner by her friend\u2019s many invitations, which came to feel like a referendum on their relationship. \u201cShe had several events planned for her 40th, ranging from a trip to Portugal to smaller pub gatherings. She wanted to stretch things out across the year, but it came with a lot of friend guilt for me,\u201d Polly says. \u201cI really struggled to tell her that I couldn\u2019t afford that much. I had a lot of anxiety trying to think of my wording and excuse. I feel as if I\u2019ve now been put in a different tier to her other friends who earn high salaries \u2013 I can always tell now that the \u2018no pressure\u2019 comments are targeted at me and I feel like the poor friend holding back the group.\u201d<\/p>\n
She and the birthday girl have known each other for a long time, but the different value they each place on birthdays has given Polly pause. \u201cI love to see my friend having fun, celebrating herself and living her best life, but it\u2019s quite excessive just for a birthday,\u201d she says. \u201cTo me, age and numbers are arbitrary and I prefer to celebrate achievements or special occasions: engagements, weddings, promotions, babies. Personally, I\u2019d always choose to keep things small. An evening laughing over wine, a perfectly picked card \u2013 those are more than\u00a0enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
Although there\u2019s evidence of pharaohs putting on feasts in ancient Egypt, the adult birthday party is a relatively recent phenomenon, picking up steam in the west around the 1900s as a way for wealthy people to show off their social standing. Anna Goldfarb, friendship expert and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, says commercial venues have played a role in making showy celebrations mainstream. \u201cMost of our grandparents would have spent their birthday with family at home, but in the 70s and 80s suburban businesses like cinemas and fast-food chains started offering kids\u2019 parties as a way to drum up profit,\u201d she says. \u201cThose kids grew up with the idea that a birthday equals a big gathering where you get all this attention. Huge parts of pop culture, like MTV\u2019s My Super Sweet 16, have only added to the feeling that you should get to be a prince or princess for a day.\u201d Many cultures\u2019 coming-of-age traditions have come to be associated with big parties, from bar- and batmitzvahs to quincea\u00f1eras.<\/p>\n
Of course, adding social media to the mix has been like dousing a fire with petrol. We see how thousands of other people \u2013 including the ultra-rich and terminally attention-hungry \u2013 are celebrating themselves and our visions of a low-key picnic in the park start to wilt. The baseline of normal gets skewed by Dua Lipa dancing on a chartered yacht for her 30th, or Kris Jenner being serenaded by Bruno Mars at 70. Even for those of us who aren\u2019t millionaires, the visibility of being online ups the ante on a day that can already feel like a litmus test for how loved we are.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have seen adults have full meltdowns, and they\u2019re not bad people, they\u2019ve just got these very set ideas of how the day should go,\u201d says Tom, a photographer based in Brighton. \u201cRecently I was hired to work a party and the person redid their entrance three times, because the crowd wasn\u2019t screaming loudly enough. She actually grabbed a microphone to shout at her friends and family: \u2018That will look shit on TikTok, do it again.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
The behaviour of some birthday divas can cause lasting reputational damage. Oliver\u2019s cousin wanted her garden party to look perfect, but her preoccupation with perception rubbed him up the wrong way. \u201cShe had quite a specific dress code: she wanted everyone to dress in an outfit inspired by her, because she\u2019s had many wild fashion eras. But the week before the party she became this monster on WhatsApp, demanding to see pictures of everyone\u2019s outfits and giving us notes,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
double quotation markPeople are having more elaborate events to recreate that feeling of interconnected community. To have the friend from school meet the colleague, or the cousin meet the partner Birthday hiking in the Dominican Republic. Photograph: Manish Arora<\/p>\n
\u201cThings got worse the day before, when she sent this long message saying that the expense of hiring a marquee and decorations and huge floral arrangements was higher than she\u2019d realised, and could we all bring \u00a350 in cash to chip in. It was the tackiest thing, and it put people in a bad mood. But you wouldn\u2019t know it from all the staged photos of us laughing and nursing the one watery cocktail we were handed. The whole thing just left a bad taste because it was like she cared more about pulling off this Pinterest board vision than actually spending time with us.\u201d<\/p>\n
Even when you\u2019re not modelling your event on the Met Gala, a mismatch between expectation and reality still stings. Amina, who was raised in a family \u201cthat didn\u2019t really do Christmas but always made a big deal of birthdays\u201d, invited 100 people to a London park to play games and ring in her 30th. When the forecast said rain, she moved it indoors to a bar \u2013 and only 10 people showed up. \u201cI didn\u2019t want the people who were there to think I was ungrateful or a brat, but they could tell I was hurt. I don\u2019t want to need other people\u2019s validation to feel good on my birthday, but it made me spiral about why my friends jumped at the chance to flake out.\u201d<\/p>\n
On reflection, Amina realised that \u201csome people just don\u2019t register birthdays the way I do. I was really upset with one of my close friends who turned up hours late and couldn\u2019t even remember my age. Then I recalled the time when I\u2019d just got home from backpacking, had zero money in my account, and was sitting doing some work in a cafe. The waiter brought over chai and a samosa and said that same friend had called up and had it sent over. They\u2019ve shown me care in other ways, so maybe it doesn\u2019t make sense to judge our whole friendship on one day.\u201d<\/p>\n
Goldfarb believes that the weight we\u2019re putting on birthdays now tracks with a wider sociological trend around how we relate to one another. \u201cFriendships used to be based on favours and context \u2013 something that researchers call \u2018social identity support\u2019. Your friends were all people who lived nearby, knew your family and would come through for you in a pinch,\u201d she says. \u201cBut now we tend to outsource favours: we call an Uber to pick us up from the airport or hire someone to look after our cat. Our friendships are based more around entertainment and pleasure, so the group trip or party becomes the focal point. Plus, we move around a lot more. We can have friends who know nothing about where we grew up or what we\u2019re like at home, and we crave the context that deepens those bonds.\u201d<\/p>\n
double quotation markIt\u2019s my chance to celebrate the achievements of the last 40 years, to have the people who\u2019ve championed me in the room, and to say thank you<\/p>\n
This is why, even if you\u2019re not usually the type to covet the limelight or love socialising in large groups, you may still feel the pull to have a birthday that brings all the threads of your life together. \u201cI think people are having more elaborate events to recreate that feeling of interconnected community. To have the friend from school meet the colleague, or the cousin meet the partner, means being recognised for all the roles you play in your life. It makes you feel whole,\u201d says Goldfarb.<\/p>\n
This rings true for Kejal, who is treating her next birthday as a way to honour the circle she\u2019s gathered around her. \u201cTurning 40 feels different to other birthdays. At this age, I\u2019m crystal clear about who gives me energy, and my friendships are a reflection of who I am,\u201d she says. \u201cWhat I want most is for the weekend to be about connection, not just a boozy dinner and a hangover. I want us to leave with core memories.\u201d<\/p>\n
We live in an age where we have less to call our own. Fewer of us have homes we can freely decorate in a style that represents us, and even smaller identity markers such as music and films are streamed, not physically held. Against this backdrop, it makes sense that people are treating their birthdays as an opportunity to express who they are. For Kejal, it\u2019s \u201cmy chance to celebrate the achievements of the last 40 years, to have the people who\u2019ve championed me in the room, and to say thank you, properly, in a way that is uniquely me\u201d.<\/p>\n
For all the tales of smiling extortion and tantrums over RSVPs, the majority of people going big on their birthdays are seeking the same thing: meaningful togetherness. Perhaps the only way to get all the people you love in one place these days is to promise them the time of their lives. Or, at the very least, second place in the talent show.<\/p>\n
Some names have been changed<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"MikeFest takes place every year, over the August bank holiday weekend, in a large leafy garden on the…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":724484,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[96,59,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-724483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-entertainment","tag-gb","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/724483","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=724483"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/724483\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/724484"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=724483"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=724483"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=724483"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}