My client Jacob had already built and sold a successful company. So, when he launched his second business, he was confident. But nearly a year later, the new product wasn\u2019t gaining traction.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I knew how to do this,\u201d he lamented to me in our session.<\/p>\n
The product failure was challenging something far deeper in Jacob: his understanding of who he was. He had come to see himself as a success\u2014a designer with a Midas touch. Now the evidence in front of him didn\u2019t fit that story.<\/p>\n
So I asked him a different question: \u201cWell, who are you if you\u2019re not the guy who always gets it right?\u201d<\/p>\n
After some reflection, he slowly began to offer some other identities: father, husband, Latin American. <\/p>\n
Eventually, he arrived at something even simpler: \u201cUnderneath it all,\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019m just a human being.\u201d<\/p>\n
When an Identity Becomes a Trap<\/p>\n
All of us have identities. We may think of ourselves as smart, successful, or competent. We also identify with our professions, relationships, communities, and social roles.<\/p>\n
These identities are useful, helping us understand our place in the world. The problem arises when we stop seeing an identity as one aspect of ourselves\u2014a role we play\u2014and start treating it as something we must continually prove or hold on to.<\/p>\n
Imagine that being \u201cthe smart one\u201d (a positive identity) is central to your identity. In that case, wouldn\u2019t it feel threatening to admit you don\u2019t understand something? You might avoid asking questions, resist feedback, or defend an idea long after the evidence has turned against it.<\/p>\n
The Energy We Spend Protecting Ourselves<\/p>\n
There is a surprisingly high cost to maintaining an identity. We have to gather information that supports it, explain away information that contradicts it, and manage how other people see us. The more invested we are in protecting a particular version of ourselves, the harder it can become to respond openly to what is actually happening to us, or to discover new possibilities for who we might become.<\/p>\n
Instead of asking, \u201cWhat is this situation telling or asking of me?\u201d we ask, \u201cWhat does this situation say about me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Instead of \u201cWhat might I be missing?\u201d we wonder, \u201cHow can I prove I was right?\u201d<\/p>\n
Humility offers an alternative.[i]<\/a>,[ii]<\/a> Positive psychology fans will know that Martin Seligman<\/a> chose humility as one of the \u201ccharacter strengths\u201d that comprise the ingredients of human virtue.[iii]<\/a> Meanwhile, in the leadership<\/a> sphere, research has repeatedly associated humility with constructive workplace behaviors, including greater openness<\/a> to feedback and stronger employee engagement and learning.[iv]<\/a> Jim Collins famously described highly effective \u201cLevel 5\u201d leaders as combining personal humility with intense professional resolve.[v]<\/a><\/p>\n Hold Your Identities More Lightly<\/p>\n With Jacob, I tried a simple exercise. I asked him to visualize his different identities as physical objects he was holding in his hands: entrepreneur, designer, father, etc. <\/p>\n Then I asked him to imagine tossing those identities behind him, promising he could pick them back up at the end of our session. He took a deep breath and tossed them behind his chair. <\/p>\n \u201cWhat remains?\u201d I asked, \u201cHow does it feel to not have to defend those identities for a moment?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m still just here. I feel open and present,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n But something shifted. Jacob told me that he felt he could think clearly, now unencumbered by his identities. The question went from \u201cWhat does this failure say about me?\u201d to \u201cWhat can we do now?\u201d <\/p>\n True Egolessness Is Balance<\/p>\n The idea of \u201cletting go of ego\u201d can easily be misunderstood. It doesn\u2019t mean eliminating your personality<\/a>, denying your accomplishments, or pretending you don\u2019t have strengths (just as humility doesn\u2019t require passivity). <\/p>\n