Do I text her too much? The answer: Probably. If you\u2019re asking this, you have likely gone a little overboard.<\/p>\n
No shame<\/a> in that, though. You lived with your child 24\/7, and now, in some cases, it is utter radio silence, a situation of not knowing. You have to wonder how much of that radio silence means: too busy with schoolwork, as she says? And how much is her way of taking some space or setting a new boundary? There is also the question of what boundaries<\/a> are appropriate for your kid to set, and which are expressions of overconfidence or intentional exclusion?<\/p>\n How often to call or text becomes especially tricky if you\u2019re aware your child is feeling overwhelmed or anxious or homesick or depressed<\/a>. You might ask your son or daughter how much checking in is okay. You can say, Hey, I know this has been a challenging first semester and that you\u2019re not very happy right now. It makes me want to check in with you a lot more than I have been, but I don\u2019t want to be annoying. What feels supportive to you, and what feels like too much?<\/p>\n People say the early years of raising children are the hardest, but big challenges come at all ages, even into adulthood. Young adults may not need their parents to be as involved as they had been, but it doesn\u2019t mean they wouldn\u2019t welcome it when available and in their service, not the parents\u2019.<\/p>\n Keep the conversation flowing when living apart for the first time.<\/p>\n Keep the calls short<\/p>\n Many people avoid talking on the phone with certain people because they can\u2019t get off the call. Shorter calls, 10 or 15 minutes, are much more welcome by college students. They can focus on what you are saying instead of planning an exit strategy.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t make the call all about school<\/p>\n Nothing is less appealing to a college student than a conversation with their parents in which they\u2019re asked the same questions they were asked in middle and high school: Do you have any homework? Are you ready for your Spanish test? Did you get everything you need to finish that history project you told me about? Unless there are notable academic problems, make the conversation about other topics: What has surprised her most about college life? What aspects of college life have been disappointing? How do kids generally find their friend groups on campus? Is being on her own more fun or freeing or anxiety<\/a>-provoking than she thought it would be? Questions like these show interest in your kid\u2019s experience of being away from home for the first time, and not just on their performance.<\/p>\n Make sure it\u2019s a conversation, not an interview<\/p>\n Many exchanges between parents and their college-aged sons and daughters contain questions from the parents and answers from the kids. Over and over again. Pretty boring<\/a>. Exchanges in which one person only is asked to show up (in this case, the kid) rarely get off the ground. Parents need to show up, too. That means becoming part of the exchange, sharing what\u2019s interesting about you and your life, so that it becomes a conversation rather than a quick check-in.<\/p>\n To stack the deck in favor of a terrific, sustaining parent-adult child relationship is talking with your kid with the same respect and courtesy you would extend to anyone else whose connection you value. In some families with kids entering young adulthood, the communications continue along the same lines of the \u201cbusiness\u201d of parenting<\/a> (make sure you__, don\u2019t forget to__) or with a familiar banter that can be funny in the moment but lacks the authenticity<\/a> of real conversations in which people get to know one another. <\/p>\n It\u2019s never too late to say, I want something more out of our conversations, love, but I don\u2019t even know what that looks like. I know that I\u2019ve spent the last 18 years making sure you were okay and had everything you needed, but you don\u2019t need that from me anymore. It\u2019s weird. If we\u2019re not figuring out how you can do your travel team while still doing the musical, or if we\u2019re not arguing, I don\u2019t even know what we\u2019d talk about! It\u2019s sad, and I\u2019d really like to change that. What do you think?<\/p>\n Your kid might look at you as if to say, Who are you? But your candor and genuine invitation to join you in a more meaningful way could spark a curiosity that opens doors to conversations and a depth of relationship you didn\u2019t know existed. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Do I text her too much? The answer: Probably. 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