{"id":759240,"date":"2026-09-04T02:44:11","date_gmt":"2026-09-04T02:44:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/759240\/"},"modified":"2026-09-04T02:44:11","modified_gmt":"2026-09-04T02:44:11","slug":"stop-apologizing-for-everything-psychology-today-united-kingdom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/759240\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop Apologizing for Everything | Psychology Today United Kingdom"},"content":{"rendered":"

If we learned anything from the COVID-19<\/a> pandemic, it was that Zoom calls would, for most people, replace live face-to-face meetings. With it came an implied list of virtual rules the likes of which would make Emily Post blush. Chief among them was beginning every question with a polite recognition that began with the phrase, \u201cApologies if you covered this already, but I\u2019m curious to know\u2026\u201d It was as if SARS-CoV-2 had brought with it a co-infection of polite etiquette. <\/p>\n

But apologizing constantly\u2014especially when you haven\u2019t done anything wrong\u2014isn\u2019t politeness. It\u2019s shame<\/a> in disguise. When shame tells you that you are the problem, apologizing becomes a preemptive defense. You say \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d before anyone can accuse you. It feels like humility, but it’s actually self-erasure. <\/p>\n

The Link Between Self-Erasure and Chronic People-Pleasing <\/p>\n

Much of the research on self-erasure links it to chronic people-pleasing, in which a disproportionate external focus leads to disconnection from your authentic self. This draws on trauma<\/a> research on the \u201cfawn\u201d response. Initially described by Pete Walker<\/a>, a psychotherapist specializing in complex PTSD<\/a>, \u201cfawning\u201d is a response to a threat in which the individual becomes more appealing to the threat\u2014mirroring someone else\u2019s desire to diffuse conflict and find safety by surrendering their own boundaries<\/a>. <\/p>\n

Fawning is considered the fourth F in the fight\/flight\/freeze response. Fight-or-flight dates back to Walter Cannon\u2019s (1915) <\/a>work on the sympathetic nervous system<\/a>. Freeze was introduced later by Dr. Peter Levine. The three Fs were given a home in 1995<\/a>, when neuroscientist Stephen Porges first published his polyvagal<\/a> theory. Deb Dana<\/a>, a clinician who worked with Porges, translated the theory into the Polyvagal Ladder metaphor, a more usable therapeutic construct with three rungs:<\/p>\n

Top Rung: ventral vagal (safe and social).
\nMiddle Rung: sympathetic (fight or flight).
\nBottom Rung: dorsal vagal (freeze\/shutdown).<\/p>\n

How Fawning Fits Into the Polyvagal Theory <\/p>\n

Where does fawning fit? It doesn\u2019t get its own rung. Generally, it\u2019s described as sitting at the intersection of the freeze\/shutdown state, with an extra dollop of appeasement laid on top, since it involves both the immobilization of the dorsal vagal shutdown and a strategic, socially oriented move to placate the threat. <\/p>\n

What does this look like in real life? You apologize<\/a> for having an opinion, for taking up space, for existing in a way that might inconvenience someone else. Here’s the distinction worth making: apologizing for something you did wrong is healthy shame doing its job. Apologizing for who you are\u2014that’s toxic shame playing the part of the officious server, hovering before a table of diners who haven\u2019t opened their menus yet, poised to apologize for making them wait. <\/p>\n

Overcoming Reflexive Apologies <\/p>\n

Tying it all together: the shame-driven, boundary-blurring apology you offer up reflexively is literally what fawning looks like physiologically. A nervous system that dropped toward shutdown but is using an appeasing behavior to climb back up toward safety rather than genuine repair of something that went wrong.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s your practice. Next time you feel the urge to apologize, pause. Ask yourself: Did I actually do something wrong, or am I apologizing for taking up space?<\/p>\n

Because you were never meant to stand on the sidelines when you earned a seat at the table. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"If we learned anything from the COVID-19 pandemic, it was that Zoom calls would, for most people, replace…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":759241,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[59,57,58,50,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-759240","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-united-kingdom","tag-gb","tag-great-britain","tag-greatbritain","tag-news","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/759240","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=759240"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/759240\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/759241"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=759240"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=759240"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=759240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}