August is the traditional time for something major to go wrong with my house. So I\u2019m not surprised, as I\u2019m getting dressed one morning, to hear the middle one shouting something about it raining in\u00a0the hallway.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d I say, standing on the landing with a shirt half pulled over my head. \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
I look down to see that water is indeed falling from the ceiling in a rain-like fashion, leaving a giant puddle on the floorboards near the front door. \u201cThat ain\u2019t good,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
I go upstairs to the bathroom where, some minutes earlier, I had been reading in the bath. Beneath the big claw-foot tub is another puddle: evidently my bathwater emptied straight on to the floor, and then straight through the floor.<\/p>\n
double quotation markThe shower is upstairs, off the middle one\u2019s bedroom, where I run the risk of striding past his Zoom meetings in a towel<\/p>\n
\u201cSince when is that happening?\u201d my wife says, coming out with a mop.<\/p>\n
\u201cSince now, I guess,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll call Alfie,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
It continues to drizzle for another 15 minutes, the hall ceiling darkened and bubbling in patches.<\/p>\n
\u201cIronically, we could use the rain,\u201d I\u00a0say. \u201cJust not inside.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlfie can\u2019t come until Thursday,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
My wife lays a \u201cDo Not Use\u201d sign in\u00a0the bath. The shower is upstairs, off\u00a0the middle one\u2019s bedroom, where I\u00a0run the risk of striding past his Zoom meetings in a towel. It\u2019s not ideal.<\/p>\n
When we moved into the house, the\u00a0big claw-foot tub was in the main bedroom, and I imagined late, louche mornings where I went straight from bed to bath. But in the end we gave that bedroom to the oldest one, and chose the attic room with the en suite shower instead. For years, I almost never had a bath.<\/p>\n
Alfie the plumber arrives on Thursday morning and confirms what I suspected: the plastic waste pipe beneath the bath has cracked at its bend, causing any discharged bath water to pour on to the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll have to order another one,\u201d he\u00a0says.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhile you\u2019re here,\u201d I say, \u201cthe downstairs loo cold tap came off in my hand over the weekend.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll have a look,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
double quotation markI\u2019ve become accustomed to louche mornings where I lie up to my neck in a giant bath. When I\u2019m feeling extra louche, I bathe again in the afternoon<\/p>\n
When we reclaimed the main bedroom after the oldest one moved out, my wife decided the big bath had to go. We needed cupboards, she said, and there wasn\u2019t enough space. At my insistence we had it moved to the bathroom, where it replaced a much smaller tub. Since then I\u2019ve become accustomed to louche mornings where I lie up to my neck in a giant bath. Sometimes, when I\u2019m feeling extra louche, I bathe again in the afternoon.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re away on holiday when Alfie replaces the waste pipe. There is, however, another problem: after showing a picture of the installation to\u00a0his dad (Mark the builder<\/a>, who moved the claw-foot tub to the bathroom in the first place) they have both reached the conclusion that the bath is slowly sinking into the floor.<\/p>\n The flooring \u2013 vinyl tiles over plywood \u2013 has been compressed by the heavy clawed feet. Under the weight of a full bath plus occupant \u2013 me, asleep with the lower edge of my paperback just dipping into the water \u2013 the bend in the waste pipe has been pressed against the floor, causing it to crack.<\/p>\n
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