When I was in my early teens, I was often invited round to a schoolfriend\u2019s house for dinner. Her family struck me as wildly progressive: they were Danish and indulged in all sorts of \u201cout-there\u201d activities \u2013 fondues, candle-making and, most terrifying of all, the talking stick.<\/p>\n
Before the meal was served, someone would retrieve the sacred broom handle and it would be passed around the table. You could speak only if you had possession of the stick. Despite it being the most stressful thing ever (it meant being in the spotlight, and then remembering to keep quiet the rest of the time), I now frequently yearn for a more convenient version of that stick.<\/p>\n
For example, I met a friend recently who I see infrequently but keep up with via voice notes. No sooner had we sat down than he launched into a long discourse about his new marathon training food plan. He only broke the flow to order an omelette: \u201cFour egg whites, two yolks, is that possible?\u201d (We were in my local greasy spoon, so the request was greeted with mirth.) When we left, 90 minutes later, he finally had the grace to turn to me and ask: \u201cAnd how are things with you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Walking home, I felt a mixture of disappointment and irritation. Had he always been so self-absorbed? So uninterested in anyone else? I couldn\u2019t help wondering if our one-sided virtual updates had played a part in the problem.<\/p>\n
There is a name for this type of egocentric behaviour \u2013 \u201cconversational narcissism\u201d. Although it was coined by the sociologist Charles Derber in his 1979 book The Pursuit of Attention, the term seems more relevant than ever. \u201cWhatsApp communication and voice notes are really a series of monologues,\u201d says Charlotte Fox Weber, a psychotherapist. \u201cIn face-to-face situations, people are forgetting how to pause naturally, to make space to hear and listen. And people are chatting on the phone \u2013 an activity that at least requires turn-taking in a defined way \u2013 much less often.\u201d<\/p>\n
A lot of our communication online can feel weirdly transactional, focused on logistics or niche WhatsApp groups. According to Tamu Thomas, a life coach and author, this has damaged the art of improvised conversation. \u201cPeople have less capacity for meandering conversations that don\u2019t have a purpose,\u201d she says. \u201cA good dialogue is a back-and-forth between two people discovering new things about each other, even if they have known each other for years. Because there are now so many different channels available to stay in touch, some people are confusing communication with connection.\u201d<\/p>\n
Knowledge is power, though. If you can recognise the five types of common conversation hogger, it will be much easier to handle them.<\/p>\n
The serial monologuistWill he ever stop talking? Photograph: Posed by models; skynesher\/Getty Images<\/p>\n
We have all come across this one \u2013 the person who, like the Ariston washing machine in the 90s advert<\/a>, just goes on and on and on. \u201cIt\u2019s not only that these people feel the need to dominate the conversation; they often select topics that are not necessarily meaningful for anyone else. For example, it might be cathartic for someone to share the granular detail of their lost luggage or their dishwasher leak, but it has no value for anyone else,\u201d says Fox Weber.<\/p>\n For Jane and her partner, Ian, dinner parties at his best friend\u2019s home have become an ordeal. \u201cIt\u2019s his wife,\u201d groans Jane. \u201cWe don\u2019t have children; they have three. We have to brace ourselves for her monologues that cover everything from school trips to football trophies and, worst of all, their various ailments. I sit there with a fixed grin, wondering how long I can reasonably pretend to be fascinated by someone else\u2019s child\u2019s orthodontic treatment. It\u2019s even worse when they invite other couples, usually fellow parents. Then it becomes a game of monologue ping-pong. It\u2019s not easy finding a gap in the conversation when I can mention that I have had a perfectly interesting time lately \u2013 going to films or the theatre, and reading great books.\u201d<\/p>\n Sarah Rozenthuler is a psychologist and dialogue coach, and the author of Now We\u2019re Talking and several other books focused on how to have meaningful conversations. She suggests taking a counterintuitive approach. \u201cTry time-boxing them. Tell yourself you are going to give the person your full attention for a certain amount of time, say five minutes, or 10 if you can stand it. Abandon all expectations about having your own say. Allowing the other person to feel fully heard usually helps them to settle down a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n When the time is up, she suggests deliberately redirecting the chat, without shutting the other person down. \u201cSo you might say something like: \u2018Well, that\u2019s really interesting, and it reminds me of \u2026\u2019 and then share something from your own experience, or change the topic altogether.\u201d She believes this strategy works on two levels. It lets you speak, and it\u2019s a reminder that each of us needs to take responsibility for maintaining a two-way conversation, rather than sitting there seething like a helpless bystander.<\/p>\n The trauma dumper\u2018Have I told you about my latest one-night stand?\u2019 Photograph: Posed by models; NicolasMcComber\/Getty Images<\/p>\n The trauma dumper loves nothing better than a session of oversharing with no boundaries and no thought for how it might land with others.<\/p>\n Phoebe\u2019s friend Andrew falls into this category. \u201cI\u2019ve seen other people blossom and grow through therapy \u2013 but for Andrew, it\u2019s given him licence to overshare and not listen to others. His booming voice is always the loudest in the room. Nothing is off limits, from lurid details of his one-night stands to the long-running feud he has been having with his mother since the age of four.<\/p>\n \u201cFor me, the lowest point was in a restaurant when he shared the intimate details of his vasectomy. As if that wasn\u2019t bad enough, he repeated the story at a dinner party I attended with several of our friends, including his ex. I didn\u2019t know where to look. I have no idea how to rein him in, because I feel that if I tackle him about the oversharing directly, he might turn that into a trauma drama to share with others as well.\u201d<\/p>\n Thomas suggests interrogating what is really bothering you about such a dynamic. Are you feeling used? What do you want from the relationship, if anything? She says: \u201cI had a friend like this and I realised that what I wanted was her to contact me during the good times, not only the crises. I asked her to phone me when things were going really well, for example sharing the funny thing that happened at work that day. It was scary, but saying, \u2018I really want to be part of your joy as well as your struggle,\u2019 was a lot more productive than angrily accusing her of dumping all her problems at my door. Eventually, we were able to have a more constructive relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n The boomerasker\u2018Let me tell you all about my weekend.\u2019 Photograph: Posed by models; skynesher\/Getty Images<\/p>\n For those unfamiliar with the term, boomerasking is posing a question so you can talk next. My friend Emma often complains about a colleague at work who falls into this category. She says: \u201cEvery Monday morning, without fail, he will ask me: \u2018Good weekend? What did you get up to?\u2019 But his fake question is a ruse to allow him to boast about all the amazing things he did. It makes me feel boring, and at the same time manipulated \u2013 not a great combo.\u201d<\/p>\n Boomerasking was first identified in a study co-authored by Michael Yeomans, associate professor of behavioural science at Imperial College. \u201cA boomerask is a question that boomerangs right back to you,\u201d he says. \u201cThere are three types of boomerask. The first is the \u2018ask-brag\u2019, where I have something exciting I want to tell you, such as: \u2018I went to France for the weekend.\u2019 Then there\u2019s the \u2018ask-complaint\u2019. That\u2019s when I might ask: \u2018How was your journey into work?\u2019 You might answer, only for me to go into great detail about how the tube was packed, there was an accident, someone spilled coffee on my shoe. And then there\u2019s the \u2018ask-share\u2019, where I ask for your opinion about something, but I\u2019m not listening \u2013 I\u2019m waiting for a break so I can jump in and share my opinion. In all three cases, the perceived sincerity of the question hooks people in.\u201d<\/p>\n How can we take back control? \u201cOur research shows that boomeraskers think they are being helpful and inclusive. So, if the other person is important to you, know that there will be plenty of time to have your say later. You may feel their interest in you is only superficial, but their interest in communicating something with you is certainly genuine. That\u2019s worth celebrating.<\/p>\n \u201cThe other thing our research has shown is that \u2018mirror questions\u2019 take the sting out of the exchange. Next time a boomerasker enquires about your commute, mumble something vague and then ask with great enthusiasm about their journey.\u201d<\/p>\n So it takes the sting out of it because if you don\u2019t give them a real answer, then you haven\u2019t wasted your energy on someone who isn\u2019t interested? \u201cYeah, and also crucially, they can\u2019t cut you off.\u201d It won\u2019t necessarily shut the boomerasker up, but if you feel more in control, you will find them less annoying.<\/p>\n If none of this helps? \u201cIf you want to have some fun, boomerask them back, and see how they react,\u201d suggests Yeomans.<\/p>\n The interrupter\u2018What you need to do now \u2026\u2019 Photograph: Posed by model; Milky Way\/Getty Images<\/p>\n Interrupters are easy to spot but difficult to confront. When Jo was made redundant, she started meeting up for coffee with a former colleague. \u201cI thought she could give me a bit of moral support and, crucially, a reason to get out of the house.\u201d However, these sessions soon proved unsatisfying.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat I really wanted was someone to confide in about the unfairness of my job loss, and my fears about being 55 and unemployed.\u201d But the friend proved to be an unexpectedly aggressive listener, cutting Jo off at every turn with: \u201cHave you thought about retraining? My friend is earning a fortune now.\u201d Or: \u201cThe thing you need to do now is find out about how to outwit the applicant tracking systems. If I lost my job, what I would do is blah blah blah.\u201d But Jo didn\u2019t want advice, and the constant interruptions made her feel belittled. She just wanted someone to listen.<\/p>\n How can we get an interrupter to mend their ways? \u201cIt depends on how much you like the person,\u201d says Fox Weber. \u201cIt\u2019s not always a bad trait: it can come from a kind of skittishness, a desire for the conversation not to go meandering off-piste. But it can create chaos, because the interrupter is imposing their will on what should be a collaborative dialogue, and breaking the flow.\u201d<\/p>\n Fox Weber says the interrupter is much easier to handle in a group setting. \u201cThat allows you to advocate for other people. If you see it happening, don\u2019t leave it to the interrupted person to defend their space. If another person jumps in to Person A\u2019s story and steers the chat in another direction, you can be the one who stops it. You might say: \u2018Wait \u2013 she\u2019s telling a story. Let her finish it.\u2019 You can say it nicely.\u201d<\/p>\n What if it\u2019s a one-on-one situation? \u201cIt\u2019s harder, but you can still insist the other person step back, by saying: \u2018Hey, I\u2019m still telling my story.\u2019 Then get back to what you were saying, even if you\u2019ve lost the flow.\u201d<\/p>\n The care bear\u2018How are you? And I have I told you about my latest campaign against world poverty?\u2019 Photograph: Posed by models; Sanja Radin\/Getty Images\/iStockphoto<\/p>\n The care bear\u2019s idea of small talk is to launch into a mini Ted Talk about how they are campaigning against AI datacentres, sewage pollution or world hunger. What they are definitely not here for is a bit of banter.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got a neighbour like this, and I\u2019m not proud of it but I have been known to dive into the corner shop to avoid them if I see them coming,\u201d says Lauren. \u201cShe will approach me with a tilt of the head, look deep into my eyes and ask: \u2018How are you, really?\u2019 If I don\u2019t have anything deep and meaningful to share, which I never do, that will be her cue to start on one of her important causes \u2013 the state of social care in the borough, food banks, homeless people. This is going to make me sound like a bad person but \u2026 she is so boring. Not to mention hard to escap once she\u2019s in full flow.\u201d<\/p>\n This type is particularly maddening because they occupy the moral high ground. What\u2019s the best way to deal with them? \u201cTry saying, as genuinely and sincerely as possible, something like: \u2018I can understand your concern about XYZ, and I, too, really hope there\u2019s going to be some change or improvement,\u2019\u201d says Rozenthuler. \u201cThen change the subject. It\u2019s not about being brutal and brisk. It\u2019s about being kind, acknowledging the person but then moving on. This type of person is often stuck in a groove and it\u2019s going to take a lot more than you or I have capacity for to help them get out of it.\u201d Actually, I think I may have a solution. Where did I leave that broomstick?<\/p>\n Names and identifying details have been changed<\/p>\n Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters<\/a> section, please click here<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"When I was in my early teens, I was often invited round to a schoolfriend\u2019s house for dinner.…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":769698,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[84,59,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-769697","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-business","tag-business","tag-gb","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/769697","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=769697"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/769697\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/769698"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=769697"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=769697"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=769697"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}