{"id":771857,"date":"2026-09-15T22:30:09","date_gmt":"2026-09-15T22:30:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/771857\/"},"modified":"2026-09-15T22:30:09","modified_gmt":"2026-09-15T22:30:09","slug":"should-couples-save-their-toughest-conversations-for-therapy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/771857\/","title":{"rendered":"Should Couples Save Their Toughest Conversations for Therapy?"},"content":{"rendered":"

John and his partner Mark are in couples therapy<\/a> with me, and John always saves up conversations about money\u2014their hot-button issue\u2014until they’re safely ensconced in my office. There are plenty of opportunities for them to discuss financial decisions and complaints at home, but John refuses to because “I know we’ll end up in an argument,” he says.<\/p>\n

John and Mark aren’t alone; to my surprise, another couple asked me recently whether they should wait until their session to talk about challenging subjects, or discuss them together first outside of therapy. It’s an interesting question. It’s true that many couples come to therapy in the first place because they’re having difficulty working through a challenging scenario and perceive it as a safe space in which to voice their problems and work out a solution. But which comes first?<\/p>\n

It’s important for me to note here that I (and this is true for other clinicians I know) don’t advocate for any one “side” of an issue. I’m here to moderate the conversation, to facilitate the process between the two partners to help them hear and understand each other and to communicate. I don’t offer solutions; I help them find their way to their solution. So if they come looking for easy answers, they won’t find them.<\/p>\n

Start where you are<\/p>\n

In the early stages of therapy, many couples save hot-button topics for actual sessions, often because the conflict between them is extreme and one or both of them feel it’s safer to have a moderated discussion. And sometimes they’re right: I can advocate for each of them to listen to and understand each other fully while expressing their own views.<\/p>\n

When couples first seek help, a lot of them are highly conflictual\u2014that may be why they sought me out in the first place. No matter what they do, they end up in an argument\u2014frequently even in my office!\u2014and then I encourage them to not discuss whatever volatile situation they’re in until their session. Often these early fights devolve into one partner threatening to leave the other, which I absolutely discourage: It’s no way to communicate. <\/p>\n

The therapy environment is by its nature safe: The couple has committed to not walk out on each other during a session. Having a skilled, empathetic<\/a> third party who is not involved in the conflict provides a moderating influence that the two partners might be incapable of reaching on their own.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, one result of this practice is that they can fall into the habit of saving things up. A habit like that means that the couple has come to rely on that one hour as a conflict-resolution time\u2014and then sometimes they don’t try to do it at home. That doesn’t mean they won’t eventually be able to resolve conflicts away from the office, of course; every couple has to start somewhere.<\/p>\n

Talking together<\/p>\n

One of the goals<\/a> of couples therapy is to improve partners’ communication skills: how they bring issues up with each other, the wording they choose, the tone they employ. These can be learned, together, in the safe environment of the session. They can practice making positive “I” statements (i.e., “I feel rejected when you don’t call” versus “I think you’re selfish”) and being gentle rather than aggressive.<\/p>\n

Part of good communication is to become a good listener, so I can teach the couple to forgo being reactive to their partner’s comments or questions and instead hear what the other person is saying from a different vantage point. <\/p>\n

Frequently, as a therapist, I ask them to talk further on issues that haven’t been resolved by the end of the session, with confidence<\/a> that they can do it. Of course, that’s a great idea if their communication strengths have grown and they feel confident bringing up the issues and in their partner’s responses.<\/p>\n

The ultimate goal<\/p>\n

While there’s nothing wrong with getting in the habit of saving things for sessions, the ultimate growth of a couple means feeling more confident with what they discuss outside of sessions and practicing their skills together. That’s how they recognize that true change is taking place. <\/p>\n

So I challenge couples to consider when and where communication can best happen for them. What time of day? How much time is needed? I urge them to allow these conversations to inhabit their own space, rather than just throwing out an issue when they’re on their way out to dinner.<\/p>\n

Communicate in person or online?<\/p>\n

One way I really discourage bringing up difficult issues is via text. Many couples seem to prefer having long text conversations as a way of arguing, and the loss of nuance and ease of accusations without a filter can make these arguments last for days instead of being contained and resolved.<\/p>\n

If you’re using texting, then for sure save it up for your next therapy session.<\/p>\n

One size doesn’t fit all<\/p>\n

My own personal preference? To be honest, I don’t really care: Couples can use their time with me for conflict resolution or just for checking in and discussion. A lot of couples look forward over time to having this space to use for topics that are uncomfortable or impractical to talk about at home.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it’s the subject matter that dictates the timing: Intimacy<\/a>, sex<\/a>, family of origin, trauma<\/a>, marriage<\/a>\u2014these are all really big topics that many couples feel more comfortable discussing in my presence, and they then have the opportunity to continue the conversation outside of my office.<\/p>\n

Many therapists give couples a lot of direction: Between now and next week, try doing such-and-such. And while I’ve also occasionally given “homework” assignments, by and large I’ve found that a great deal of growth actually does happen in my office.<\/p>\n

And many couples will use their therapy sessions as an opportunity for defining their differences and finding commonality or compromise; it becomes a metaphor for their relationship and how they understand and resolve things in other circumstances.<\/p>\n

So\u2014save it up or try it on your own? The answer is always a qualified “yes”! It depends on where each couple is in terms of volatility and communication, what they want to achieve, and how I can best help them get there.<\/p>\n

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"John and his partner Mark are in couples therapy with me, and John always saves up conversations about…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":771858,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[59,57,58,50,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-771857","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-united-kingdom","tag-gb","tag-great-britain","tag-greatbritain","tag-news","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/771857","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=771857"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/771857\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/771858"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=771857"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=771857"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=771857"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}