That\u2019s what makes this all a bit surprising because I like Simon Jordan! I listen to his morning show with Jim White and it\u2019s often really good. I respect the fact he has industry knowledge because he ran a football club. And yes that involved lots of dealings with Steve Bruce, Iain Dowie or similar, but it\u2019s still basically the same thing.<\/p>\n
I like the way he pops up in clips looking like an exquisitely powdered 17th-century Umbrian count, some gorgeous little angry blond glove-puppet I want to sit on my knee and pet and cosset and whisper in his ear about granditudinous hypocralism, in a way that\u2019s just warm and fond and not, for me, in any way sexual, but which definitely is for him.<\/p>\n
Simon Jordan in 2005 when in charge at Crystal Palace and busy dealing with the likes of Steve Bruce and Iain Dowie. Photograph: Sean Smith\/The Guardian<\/p>\n
I like the way he talks. It reminds me of Jackie Chiles, the lawyer in Seinfeld, saying it\u2019s outrageous, egregious, preposterous. Sometimes this can have a Mrs Malaprop edge. But that\u2019s also fun and even then you get his point, which is usually good, even if you didn\u2019t expect to agree, or can only agree secretly. When you\u2019re right you\u2019re right. When you\u2019re veritudinously superfactual you\u2019re veritudinously superfactual.<\/p>\n
By now you\u2019re probably wondering what happened. Well, I was definitely savaged. No one can take that away from me. And yes this was a week ago, but other stuff happened in between and I forgot about it for a while. I also haven\u2019t fully listened to the savaging. It\u2019s two minutes long and life is short.<\/p>\n
In fact I only know about it because my friend and colleague Barry Glendenning is very reliable in this respect. If you\u2019re ever cancelled, owned, or significantly beasted on the internet then Barry will let you know, as an act of love and kindness, and not, repeat not, because he enjoys it and is killing time in the pub on his phone. It\u2019s like having a faithful and attentive online Lassie. What\u2019s that? Slow down boy. Wait, you\u2019re saying Michaela Strachan has called me a nonce? On LinkedIn? Good boy. Easy. There you go. Here\u2019s a lovely bowl of vape oil and Guinness.<\/p>\n
I have to admit I am also amplifying this, promoting myself as genuinely savage-worthy. In reality I was savaged in a minor, offhand way that I still don\u2019t really get. I was at Croatia versus England in Rijeka<\/a>. The game was meant to be played without fans as punishment for some Croatia-related disorder in Paris last year, which included accusations of people making Nazi salutes.<\/p>\n In the event the Croatian FA filled the ground with children, which is allowed under a loophole in the rules. It felt a bit weird in the moment<\/a>. At the very least it didn\u2019t seem to fit the spirit of the offence. Nazism, yes, bad. But also: a lovely day out for Year 8.<\/p>\n I still don\u2019t really get why anyone would strongly disagree with this. It seems obvious enough. Yeah, everyone likes happy jolly children. Personally I believe the children are our future. I\u2019ve always said that. But they\u2019re not some kind of smart bomb that disintegrates the capacity for logic.<\/p>\n Hajduk Split fans disgraced themselves this week. Photograph: Ante Cizmic\/AP<\/p>\n The counter-argument seems to be that this is joyless liberal Guardian stuff. It\u2019s the woke mind-virus. It\u2019s being too interested in not promoting nazism, when you should simply enjoy the laughter of little boys.<\/p>\n And yes Simon Jordan is right. It is annoying to be preached at. But we\u2019re not talking libtard snowflake stuff here. We\u2019re talking actual Nazis, people who just like and enjoy swastikas, who talk fondly about the Ustase, arguably the most vicious sect of the Third Reich war machine. I don\u2019t know, man. The more I hear about the Nazis, the less I like the sound of them.<\/p>\n Plus we now have the sight of Hajduk Split fans this week walking behind an actual coffin<\/a> and chanting \u201cAuschwitz\u201d. Does this seem like the message is being hammered home? At the very least we\u2019re going to need more children. How many is this one going to take? Ten thousand? Maybe if we can get children to carry a coffin through Amsterdam then it\u2019s fine and just a heartwarming event that shows lessons are being learned.<\/p>\n This is how it goes you see. You are supposed to LASH BACK in these situations. But it\u2019s all a bit weird. Suddenly Simon Jordan is attacking me with children. He\u2019s barging me out of the way in Starbucks with his mega-buggy, one hand clutched to his pearl-draped throat, saying, what about the children, the children, the children?<\/p>\n skip past newsletter promotion<\/a>Free newsletter |Every weekday<\/p>\n Sign up to Football Daily<\/p>\n Kick off your evenings with the Guardian’s take on the world of football<\/p>\n after newsletter promotion<\/p>\n You see? I\u2019m being sucked in. Because this is what the internet will do to you. I wasn\u2019t even the main savaging that day. I was a side-beef, an afterthought. By now the algorithm is already filling my feed with fresh SJ face-offs, the latest a \u201cheated exchange\u201d with Dale Vince about Robbie Savage, in itself a mouthwatering trio, perpetual savaging motion in action.<\/p>\n In the end this is the only real point of interest here. This stuff is utterly addictive. And with good reason: it\u2019s designed to be. Vast amounts of expertise and resources have been poured into this irresistible machinery. David Squires did a brilliant cartoon this week about the rise of the celebrity football chat-cast<\/a>, the industrial-scale, seed-funded waffle that must now justify its space by shouting above the noise, and which will always tend towards beef-culture and a narrative of opposition.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve tried really hard to stay out of this. I don\u2019t do radio or TV stuff, because, well, what\u2019s the point, but more because nobody\u2019s clean, nobody escapes, suddenly you\u2019re having a charity boxing grudge-match with Stephen Warnock.<\/p>\n But it is worth logging for the record that we are at fever pitch. The level of rage around football right now is genuinely astonishing. The story of the Manchester City verdict is, in part, a regulatory ruling over a breach of financial rules. But really it\u2019s the astonishing post-truth online response, the urge to assail and objectify and dehumanise over a tribunal\u2019s interpretation of accountancy practices.<\/p>\n Emotions over a tribunal\u2019s verdict on accountancy practices have reached fever pitch. Photograph: Tom Jenkins\/The Guardian<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/10\/1792233253_14_500.jpg\")
<\/p>\n