{"id":806460,"date":"2026-10-18T10:00:11","date_gmt":"2026-10-18T10:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/806460\/"},"modified":"2026-10-18T10:00:11","modified_gmt":"2026-10-18T10:00:11","slug":"my-longterm-boyfriend-died-last-year-is-it-too-soon-to-date-someone-new-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/806460\/","title":{"rendered":"My longterm boyfriend died last year. Is it too soon to date someone new? | Family"},"content":{"rendered":"

My longterm boyfriend died of cancer last year. We\u2019d been together for 16 years, since I was 21 and he was 23. I had given birth to our only child three weeks before his diagnosis. My son was just shy of 10 months old when his dad died, and he\u2019s now turned two.<\/p>\n

I loved my late partner deeply and had planned to stay with him for ever. We were embarking on an 18-year project together, raising our son. Now I think, how can I ever be happy again?<\/p>\n

Before he died, my partner told me to find a single dad to go out with. When I returned to work, a colleague I\u00a0had considered a flirt was away \u2013 getting chemo. Now he\u2019s in remission. He\u2019s also a single parent. Lately, I\u2019ve realised I have a crush on him. His life has been touched by tragedy and he knows what\u2019s important to him. He\u2019s very kind, like my late partner, and I\u00a0think we click.<\/p>\n

What gives me a lot of pause is that I find him to blow hot and cold. Also, because I\u2019m a solo mum I don\u2019t really have time for someone else. But he has recently left the company, so I\u00a0wouldn\u2019t be dating a co-worker.<\/p>\n

Is it remarkable to meet a single dad you genuinely like? Or are there more out there than I think? Please tell me what you think I should do.<\/p>\n

What a devastating loss you\u2019ve experienced, and at such a tender time of motherhood. I\u2019m so sorry.<\/p>\n

I spoke to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Stephanie White, who wondered, given that you were with your partner almost your entire adult life, \u201cif you have learned to trust your gut and made \u2018good enough\u2019 decisions on your own\u201d. You seem to look outside yourself to validate what you\u2019re doing: your partner \u201ctold you\u201d to find a single dad to go out with. You ask me to tell you what you \u201cshould do\u201d. Ultimately, we all need our own internal guide, and I\u2019d like you to think about yours.<\/p>\n

double quotation markGrieving is a long process, and an important part is accepting that the death has occurred and, in your case, the expected narrative arc of your lives has now ended<\/p>\n

I wouldn\u2019t want to stop you having fun \u2013 you deserve it \u2013 but you have \u201ca\u00a0lot of pause\u201d about this new man. This could be because he has a lot going on in his life, but it could also be because something doesn\u2019t feel right for you. Also, are you in a place to potentially take on his issues?<\/p>\n

White said: \u201cThere seems to be something here about an expected narrative thread getting cut: you were \u2018embarking on an 18-year project together\u2019, but reality is not panning out as expected. This can lead to feeling stuck.\u201d<\/p>\n

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She also felt there could be a\u00a0\u201ctrauma bond\u201d between you and this other man \u2013 his life has been \u201ctouched by tragedy\u201d too \u2013 and wondered if there was \u201csomething about wanting to skip, perhaps unconsciously, the phases of the grieving process by substituting a \u2018facsimile\u2019 for your former partner\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut grieving is a long process,\u201d White warned, \u201cand one of the most important parts is accepting that the death has occurred and, in your case, that the expected narrative arc of your lives has now ended. At some level, you seem to know this new man is not ideal. You\u2019re not a widow years out of bereavement who finds love; you\u2019re a\u00a0year in, and that\u2019s no time at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

You have a young son to care for. We\u00a0wondered about your support network. Lean into it, maybe look into\u00a0some therapy or support groups such as Widowed and Young<\/a>. Take it slowly, and put yourself and your son first. Don\u2019t rush into a new caring role beyond this just yet. But that doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t \u2013 or shouldn\u2019t \u2013 love and have fun again.<\/p>\n

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com<\/a>. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions<\/a>. The latest series of Annalisa\u2019s podcast is available here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"My longterm boyfriend died of cancer last year. We\u2019d been together for 16 years, since I was 21…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":806461,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[96,59,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-806460","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-entertainment","tag-gb","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/806460","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=806460"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/806460\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/806461"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=806460"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=806460"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=806460"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}