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My Two Cents<\/a><\/p>\n \n Personal-finance columnist Charlotte Cowles asks the nosy, revealing, sometimes uncomfortable questions about money so you don\u2019t have to.\n <\/p>\n \n Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photo: Getty Images\n <\/p>\n Most Americans do not have rich parents<\/a>. But if you suspect your family may be more well-off than you\u2019ve been led to believe, it\u2019s worth asking questions. \u201cA lot of boomers have more money than they need and certainly more than enough to help their kid with their wedding or student loans or a down payment for a home<\/a>,\u201d says AJ Ayers, a certified financial planner and co-founder of BKFi<\/a>, a money-management firm based in Brooklyn. \u201cThe least you can do is ask. But I find that a lot of people are afraid to.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Perhaps you\u2019ve heard about the \u201cGreat Wealth Transfer<\/a>\u201d: Boomers \u2014\u00a0the richest generation in American history \u2014\u00a0are expected to pass an estimated $84 trillion to $124 trillion<\/a> to their heirs by the mid-2040s, resulting in the largest transition of family money to date. Many of us assume we won\u2019t be on the receiving end. But what if you are? One of the many pieces of advice Ayers gives in her upcoming book, Creative Money: New Financial Rules for Artists, Innovators, and Misfits<\/a>, is how to address the question of \u201csecret family money\u201d \u2014 especially if your parents are squeamish about discussing their finances. (She also tackles the opposite scenario \u2014\u00a0what to do if you find out your parents will be financially reliant on you<\/a>.)\u00a0<\/p>\n Ayers believes we should all talk to our families more often about our money \u2014 and the sooner the better. \u201cSometimes parents think they\u2019re protecting their adult children by not telling them about their finances, but that just makes it harder for their children to make an informed plan for their future,\u201d she says. Below, she shares her tips for bringing it up, asking for help, and dealing with miserly relatives.<\/p>\n So do you have secret family money? And if so, how did you learn about it? After college, I went into book publishing, which doesn\u2019t pay very well. And it was obvious among my friends who was getting support from their parents and who was not. I did not get regular support. That said, I remember my dad once coming to visit and seeing the state of my apartment and giving me $400. Another time, I had a bad breakup and needed $1,000 for a security deposit on a new apartment. My dad helped me then, too. So there was a safety net, absolutely, but there wasn\u2019t a steady drip. Frankly, I resented that. My thinking was, Hey, I graduated from college. I\u2019m not spoiled. I\u2019m working two jobs because I have student loans and rent to pay. If my parents could spare $300 a month, it would dramatically change my life right now and it would make no difference to them. If it was difficult for them to spare that money, then that\u2019s completely different. But for them and so many boomers, they could have helped me a lot and they didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n How did you finally approach the topic of money with them \u2014\u00a0and express that you would appreciate their help? What I see a lot with older generations is they think, Well, I worked really hard for this money and I might need it, so I don\u2019t want to give it away. Which might be true. But a much better approach is for them to go to a financial planner who can tell them, definitively, how much money they have to spare. A lot of boomers don\u2019t even realize how much money they have tied up in real estate and 401(k)s, and they\u2019d get a lot more enjoyment out of those assets if they transferred at least some of them to their loved ones before they pass away. The stock market has done extremely well for the past decade and a half<\/a>, and that has benefited older Americans more than anyone. Meanwhile, millennials have struggled with student loans, low wage growth, and high home prices<\/a>, among other things. Plenty of boomers have more money than they need and certainly more than enough to help their kid with their wedding or student loans or a down payment for a home. They may just not realize it or know how to talk about it.<\/p>\n I think many people are nervous to ask their parents for money. They\u2019re worried their parents will say \u201cno\u201d or the money will come with strings attached. How do you recommend going about it? At the very least, you want to avoid the situation where your parent gets sick or passes away and nobody knows what\u2019s going on, and there\u2019s no will or the estate is complicated for no reason. At that point, not only have you lost your parent but you\u2019re fighting with your sister over who gets to keep the lake house. Who wants to deal with a ton of legal paperwork and conflict when you\u2019re mourning a parent and trying to manage your regular life stuff, like\u00a0a job and kids? What a terrible legacy for a parent to leave behind. That\u2019s what you want to avoid.<\/p>\n I have a list of questions every adult should ask their parents as soon as possible. You don\u2019t need to sit your parents down and do it all at once, but don\u2019t drag it out, either. I like to give my clients three months to complete the list. The key is to do it before there\u2019s a crisis. Like, where are all your financial documents? Do you have an up-to-date will? Where\u2019s the deed for your home? What\u2019s your plan for long-term care? Are there investment accounts? Who manages them? How do I contact that person? Get that manager\u2019s email address and send them a note that says, \u201cHey, I\u2019m the child of so-and-so. Here\u2019s my contact if you ever need me.\u201d And you should have this conversation even if your parents don\u2019t have a lot of money.<\/p>\n If your parents do have money, though, and you\u2019re hoping they\u2019ll be open to sharing some of it,\u00a0 try explaining some of your own financial challenges to them. A lot of people in their 30s and 40s are not having kids because they can\u2019t afford them. And that\u2019s really sad, especially if they have parents who could help. I think it\u2019s perfectly reasonable to have a conversation with your parents about that, especially if they want grandkids. You can\u2019t always assume that your parents know what you need; sometimes you have to tell them. You could say, \u201cHey, in the event that I wanted to buy a house next year with my partner where we could raise our family, would you be willing to help us with a down payment?\u201d They might say \u201cno,\u201d or they might say \u201cmaybe.\u201d And then, six months later, you could send them the Zillow link and a really mature email that says, \u201cHey, Mom and Dad, my partner and I found our dream house. It\u2019s about $78,000 out of budget. Here\u2019s the spreadsheet where we broke down all the costs. If you have anything to spare, it would make a huge difference to us.\u201d That\u2019s not going to work for everyone, but a lot of people don\u2019t even try because they\u2019re afraid.<\/p>\n I also think people are scared, with good reason, of their parents saying, \u201cWe didn\u2019t raise you to ask for a handout.\u201d\u00a0 Another reason parents may not want to talk to their kids about money is that they don\u2019t trust their kids\u2019 judgment. Or maybe they do trust their kids but not their kids\u2019 spouses. Or they trust one kid but not another. There\u2019s a fine line between helping your kid and protecting them. How do you deal with that? Regardless, I think people need to reevaluate what their definition of \u201cspoiled\u201d is and maybe put that aside. How do you raise your kid to be a good citizen who isn\u2019t entitled? Sometimes parents go overboard. I really resented everyone in my family when I was in my 20s and coming home at 4 a.m. from working my barback job in Gowanus. I was like, It doesn\u2019t have to be this hard. At the end of the day, if your kid is going to benefit from your support and you can give it, the least you can do is talk about it with them.<\/p>\n Email your money conundrums to\u00a0mytwocents@nymag.com<\/a> (and read our submission terms here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n
I grew up in an upper-middle-class family. But my parents had a very contentious divorce that lasted for most of my childhood, so money became this explosive topic. Someone wasn\u2019t getting the money they deserved, someone was withholding money \u2014 it was a big source of conflict. I knew we had money and it bought us beautiful things like nice houses, but it also threatened happiness. It was very confusing.<\/p>\n
I switched careers and started making more money, so that changed things. I also got much more comfortable talking about money with them and in general. But I find many parents are more likely to help out for big milestones. When I was getting married, I went to my dad and said, \u201cHey, it would be amazing if you could contribute to our wedding.\u201d And he did. But I don\u2019t think you should have to hit a life milestone for that to happen. I think if a parent has extra money and a good relationship with their adult children and they\u2019re happy with where those adult children are in life, they should transfer wealth to them now instead of waiting until after they\u2019re dead.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d start by asking about your parents\u2019 financial plans. But be patient when you\u2019re waiting for an answer. They may not have a plan \u2014 and they may be embarrassed that they don\u2019t. They may not have as much money as they want you to think they do. It might take six months for them to respond. It might take two years or five years. But start now.<\/p>\n
Or the opposite.\u00a0Sometimes their parents are secretive because there is no family money and they\u2019re embarrassed. In certain cultures, it\u2019s expected that you, as the child, will be taking care of your parents when they age. But if you aren\u2019t expecting that, it can be quite shocking \u2014 and really disruptive to your financial plans. So you need to know what their plans are, whether they involve you or not.<\/p>\n
That is really tricky. I do believe that when people need help and you\u2019re in a position to give it, you should. So if, for example, you have twins and twin A is a happily married, well-employed person with two beautiful children but twin B is kind of a fuckup, do you divert money from twin B to twin A? I think the answer is no. But it\u2019s complicated. Of course, if someone has an addiction and you don\u2019t want to enable it, that\u2019s a different story.<\/p>\n