{"id":9892,"date":"2025-07-20T08:04:14","date_gmt":"2025-07-20T08:04:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/9892\/"},"modified":"2025-07-20T08:04:14","modified_gmt":"2025-07-20T08:04:14","slug":"i-was-scared-of-being-judged-the-last-taboo-of-motherhood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/9892\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I was scared of being judged\u2019 – The last taboo of motherhood"},"content":{"rendered":"

\t\t\"Mature
\n\t\t\u2018Motherhood can be isolating at times, but you never know how many people will understand until you say it out loud.\u2019 (Credits: Getty Images)<\/p>\n

When Dizney Hay brought her newborn son home from hospital in August 2023, family and friends flocked to her Islington flat to meet the newest addition and offer support.<\/p>\n

\u2018They helped me with the day-to-day things that needed to be done,\u2019 the 22-year-old mum tells Metro. \u2018Everyone wanted to hold Leonardo \u2013 he was a novelty.\u2019<\/p>\n

However, as the week passed, the visits stopped. Then Dizney split up with her baby\u2019s father and she found herself navigating life as a single mother<\/a>, amid \u2018relentless\u2019 sleepless nights.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018Leonardo was teething and often cried inconsolably,\u2019 she remembers. \u2018I\u2019d be pacing the room, holding him for hours. I remember having to gently lower myself into bed once he finally dozed off, praying he wouldn\u2019t wake up<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u2018I felt so lost as being a first-time parent<\/a> was overwhelming. I had so much anxiety \u2013 especially about him crying in public \u2013 so I didn\u2019t feel comfortable going out alone.\u2019<\/p>\n

It meant the mum and baby spent a lot of time indoors. \u2018All self-care<\/a> went out the window. I couldn\u2019t remember the last time I did something just for me,\u2019 she adds.<\/p>\n

\t\t\"\"
\n\t\tPrior to motherhood Dizney had a busy social life, but after having her baby a lot of her friendships faded (Picture: Supplied)<\/p>\n

Prior to motherhood Dizney had a busy social life, but after having Leonardo, a lot of her friendships faded. \u2018They were on a completely different path than me, which is totally understandable \u2013 but it was disheartening,\u2019 she remembers.<\/p>\n

It was a difficult time, especially as Dizney couldn\u2019t find the words to express how lonely she felt. When she did feel brave enough to speak out, she worried she\u2019d be judged.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018So I just suppressed it,\u2019 she admits. \u2018It\u2019s difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable when you have a child to protect, and I didn\u2019t want him to witness those moments. I kept telling myself to hold on and manage on my own.\u2019\u00a0<\/p>\n

Dizney is one of many new mums across the UK who feel they need to hide their maternal loneliness<\/a> behind a mask of happiness. A survey from Peanut <\/a>and the Maternal Mental Health Alliance, found that 58% of mothers feel the same, while just over half say it has impacted their mental health. Over two thirds added that they were surprised by how isolating motherhood felt.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\t\t\"\"
\n\t\tNavigating life as a new single mum took a toll on Dizney\u2019s mental wellbeing (Picture: Supplied)<\/p>\n

\u2018Many mums said they didn\u2019t want to burden others, felt ashamed or embarrassed, or hid it because they believed they \u2018should\u2019 be coping,\u2019 Michelle Kennedy, the CEO of Peanut, tells Metro. \u2018This silence is reinforced by stigma<\/a> \u2013 mums consider it more of a taboo topic than perineal tears <\/a>or postpartum sex.\u2019\u00a0<\/p>\n

However, not speaking up is having a worrying impact on new mums, says Georgina Sturmer, a MBACP accredited counsellor. She tells Metro that loneliness can be both a cause and a symptom for poor mental health in motherhood.\u00a0 \u2018If we are feeling lonely, then we are less likely to have people to lean on when we need support. And if we are feeling low, or\u00a0anxious<\/a>, then it might be harder for us to reach out for help.\u2019<\/p>\n

It was only when Leonardo was 18 months, that Dizney forced herself to see a doctor about her mental wellbeing.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018It wasn\u2019t one big moment that pushed me over the edge, it was a build up \u2013 I didn\u2019t know how much longer I could take it,\u2019 she remembers. \u2018For the first time since he was born, I broke down in tears. I\u2019d been holding a door shut against a flood and I just couldn\u2019t hold it any more. <\/p>\n

Everything I\u2019d bottled up came pouring out. I felt exhausted, alone, and so aware that I needed to do something for both of us, not just me.\u2019 <\/p>\n

Finding it easier to speak to someone who didn\u2019t know her, Dizney confessed how she was truly feeling and her GP directed the new mum to a number of services and encouraged her to reach out to her health visiting team, who could offer more tailored support.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\t\t\"\"
\n\t\tAfter deciding to visit her GP, Dizney finally had the support she lacked (Picture: Supplied)<\/p>\n

\u2018For the first time in ages, I felt seen and heard just by telling someone what I was going through,\u2019 she remembers. \u2018I still don\u2019t have it all figured out, but I\u2019m learning and growing.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018How could I feel lonely when I had my baby with me?\u2018<\/p>\n

It was at the end of a long 12-hour day \u2013 where she just kept looking at the slowly moving hands on the clock as she cared for her \u2018miracle baby\u2019 \u2013 that Neelam Heera- Shergill remembers crying to her husband when he finally came home.<\/p>\n

\u2018It felt\u00a0like I\u2019d been alone in a dark room screaming into a void. How could I feel lonely <\/a>when I had my beautiful girl with me?\u2019 the 35-year-old tells Metro.<\/p>\n

Despite being surrounded by her close-knit, South Asian family, Neelam recalls that she still felt isolated during the first year after her daughter Daya\u2019s birth.<\/p>\n

\u2018If I openly tried to tell my family and friends about how I was feeling they would just tell me they had felt the same at some point, and the conversation would end there,\u2019 she explains. <\/p>\n

Having previously experienced miscarriages, Neelam had created\u00a0a strong community of other childless women through her organisation Cysters. However, when she finally gave birth to her daughter, she says many of her good friends disappeared.<\/p>\n

\t\t\"Tired
\n\t\tMotherhood left Neelam feeling isolated from her family and friends (Picture: Getty Images\/iStockphoto)<\/p>\n

\u2018It was difficult for them \u2013 I had my baby, when they didn\u2019t have theirs.\u00a0 I completely understand and respect that, but it\u2019s been hard without them,\u2019 she says.\u00a0<\/p>\n

It meant that the new mum had no one to open up to about just how exhausted she felt, or that she felt like she had \u2018lost herself\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u2018I felt I had to be happy, because I\u2019ve got something other people want. But the disconnection is real and insidious. You don\u2019t even realise it\u2019s happening until it\u2019s happened.\u2019<\/p>\n

Finally, when her baby was five months old, a friend asked Neelam how she\u00a0really\u00a0was. It turned out to be an \u2018awakening\u2019 for her.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018She asked how I was coping with all the change and finally there was someone I could talk to about how I was feeling. Suddenly I didn\u2019t feel as alone.\u2019<\/p>\n

The silence surrounding maternal isolation<\/a>, which is often accompanied by guilt, sadness, and anger, can be hugely dangerous to the wellbeing of many new mums, Amy Tubb at the Maternal Mental Health Alliance, tells Metro.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\t\t\"Unrecognizable
\n\t\t70% of mothers hide or downplay their mental health struggles (Picture: Getty Images)<\/p>\n

\u2018Research tells us that about 70% of mums hide or downplay their struggles. Often, it\u2019s out of fear of being judged, being seen as incapable or unable to cope. In the worst cases, it\u2019s the fear of having their baby taken away,\u2019 she adds.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Peanut\u2019s Michelle Kennedy believes that breaking the societal \u2018taboo\u2019 is essential in the first step for change \u2013 and it starts with acknowledging that loneliness in motherhood isn\u2019t a personal failing.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018It\u2019s a systemic issue compounded by unrealistic expectations and a lack of support structures,\u2019 she explains. \u2018Starting small can make a difference. Friends and family can play a powerful role simply by asking, listening, and showing up.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018I wondered what I was doing wrong\u2019<\/p>\n

It was a snowy February morning in 2023, when Marta Ponce, now 34, bundled her two-week-old son in the car to head to the hospital for his routine vaccinations.<\/a><\/p>\n

With her husband having just returned to his full-time job and no family or friends to ring for help, the new mum made her way across Oxford for the appointment, still in pain from her recent delivery<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u2018My car broke down on the side of the road and I was alone with the baby,\u2019 she remembers. \u2018How was I meant to sort out my son, me, and a recovery truck, by myself? I was still recovering from my delivery. I was tired from not getting much sleep. I just wanted to cry.\u2019<\/p>\n

\t\t\"\"
\n\t\tPostpartum, Marta struggled with her confidence and felt lost without support from her family (Picture: Supplied)<\/p>\n

With Marta\u2019s family in Spain and her husband\u2019s family in India, there weren\u2019t any relations around to support her during those early days. Although she had a small group of friends, they were all busy having babies, too.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u2018How are we supposed to help each other?\u2019 she asks.\u00a0<\/p>\n

It was when her husband returned to work after his statutory two weeks<\/a> off \u2013 far too early, according to Marta \u2013 that she felt loneliness creep in.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018I felt less confident in myself. I wondered what I was doing wrong,\u2019 she admits. \u2018The baby didn\u2019t understand me, and I didn\u2019t understand the baby.\u2019<\/p>\n

Day in, day out, Marta would push her son in his pram around Oxford to pass the time. She\u2019d only speak to other mums for a chat at a Thursday morning baby group hosted by a local charity, which she describes as a \u2018joy and a relief\u2019.<\/p>\n

The turning point for Marta was when her son was a few months old and she discovered the childcare app, Bubble. In a bid to claw back some \u2018me time\u2019 and self-care,\u00a0 she booked someone to take care of her son while she had a break.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Although \u2018naturally nervous\u2019 having someone look after her son for the first time, she was reassured that all the childcare providers had been carefully vetted and reviewed by other parents.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\t\t\"\"
\n\t\tFor Marta, the help of a babysitter meant less guilt and a moment to breathe(Picture: Supplied)<\/p>\n

\u2018I remember one day, my house was a mess and I needed to sort out food, so I got someone to come and help me,\u2019 she says. \u2018For the first time I could have a hot coffee in peace for five minutes.\u2019<\/p>\n

Later, she booked in childcare <\/a>so she could pick up little bits of work. Now, she plans to use it to give her and her husband a much-needed night out.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018Loneliness and stress as a new mum can creep up on you, so having access to childcare has been a lifesaver,\u2019 she says. \u2018It makes the pressures of parenthood feel less overwhelming.\u2019<\/p>\n

Using online communities and finding local support (like Home-Start) are all good options for new mums looking to build a \u2018village\u2019. However, if\u00a0 loneliness is part of a bigger struggle, Amy from the Maternal Mental Health Alliance urges new mums to see a GP, midwife or health visitor.\u00a0<\/p>\n

It proved a game changing moment for Dizney. Since speaking to her doctor she has also contacted a therapy service<\/a>, which referred her to a specialist team for parents and carers of under-5s \u2014 support she\u2019s now beginning to explore.<\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m no longer afraid to say when I\u2019m struggling, and there\u2019s power in that,\u2019 she explains.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018Motherhood can be isolating at times, but you never know how many people will understand until you say it out loud.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\t\t\t\tThe Slice<\/p>\n

Your free newsletter guide to the best London has on offer, from drinks deals to restaurant reviews.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u2018Motherhood can be isolating at times, but you never know how many people will understand until you say…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9893,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[6271,3275,6270,242,59,102,6272,655,6273,2201,56,54,55],"class_list":["post-9892","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-health","tag-baby","tag-depression","tag-families","tag-features","tag-gb","tag-health","tag-in-focus","tag-lifestyle","tag-motherhood","tag-parenting","tag-uk","tag-united-kingdom","tag-unitedkingdom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9892","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9892"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9892\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9893"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9892"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9892"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9892"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}