I must admit. I’ve been in a bit of a funk for the last few weeks. It’s almost entirely an external thing.
Our country is at war, and it’s unclear to many why it even started. Prices for gas and groceries have been ticking up and that affects everyone.
Yet, it’s times like these when focusing inwards can often bring warmth when you’re feeling cold or distant by what’s happening in the world. That’s exactly what happened when we took an afternoon to visit my friend, Mary Harris.
Actually, to be clear, Mary is my mother’s friend. She was one of my mom’s closest work friends. They both worked at San Diego State University’s Library in the science division.
A recent visit to his late mother’s long-time friend, Mary Harris, gave Wayne Chan a new perspective in the midst of uncertain times. (Courtesy Wayne Chan)
Mom would often speak about Mary — what they were working on, things that they would do, and activities they would do together after work. They were the closest of friends.
We lost Mom 12 years ago. Even though I can only remember seeing Mary in person a handful of times in my life, it’s easy to see how I we could easily lose touch with her after Mom passed. But that wasn’t the case with Mary.
Still, I haven’t seen her since Mom passed, but we were still connected to her.
You see, as some of you know, my wife and I are the parents of 28-year-old triplets. Mary knows this too. I know that because for the last 28 years, every Christmas, Mary would send a Christmas card along with a check made out to each of the kids as a gift. Every year, for 28 years, without fail.
My wife and I are empty nesters now and my mom has been gone for 12 years, but that didn’t stop Mary. This last Christmas, right on cue, we received Mary’s card.
But this time, we didn’t just reply with our own Christmas card. I wanted to catch up with her. So, I called her and asked if my wife Maya and I could come and visit her. She seemed pleased and we set up a date.
We drove out to her home in northern San Diego County. She lives with her daughter-in-law in a beautiful home on the outer edges of town. She told us that when we got to the front door that we should just open the door and come in because she uses a walker now and has a hard time climbing the steps to the front door.
We stepped through the entry way, and she greeted us with a smile in her walker.
We sat down in the living room and started to catch up. To say that I was impressed is an understatement.
Mary is now 98 years old, and as life goes for everyone who reaches that milestone, there are losses. She lost one of her sons just last year, which is why she is living with her daughter-in-law. Most of her friends are gone now, and while she’s made some new, younger friends (who are in their 70’s), they don’t drive anymore so they can’t come to visit her.
As for Mary’s driving, she stopped driving her stick shift car two years ago. Yes, she prefers driving stick shift cars. She has been volunteering at various nonprofits and wishes she could do more, but getting a ride is sometimes too much of an effort.
She asks about how our kids are doing, remembers each of their names and that two of them have special needs. When I tell them how Ethan and Savannah are progressing on learning how to communicate, Mary’s eyes widen and she leans in and seems genuinely pleased that they’re doing well.
We ask her how she spends the bulk of her day, and she says she tries to walk as much as possible, reads her iPad, and makes a real effort to write letters to her friends even though her arthritis makes it difficult at times. But she perseveres.
Maya compliments her handwritten letters and says that the neat writing still looks like it came from a librarian. Mary smiles.
After spending some time with Mary, we leave some chocolates with her, and she says she will savor one chocolate per day and is excited when we tell her we’d like to visit her again.
Two days later, we receive a thank you card from Mary, thanking us for the chocolates and expressing how happy she is to hear of Ethan and Savannah’s progress.
Living a life of purpose, even through a loss of friends, family and ability, Mary shows that life is still worth savoring, one bite at a time.
Chan, a Poway resident, writes about family and community life and shares humorous views of topics of the day.