You are not alone.
That is what advocates of male domestic violence victims want them to know. October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Men are less frequently victims of domestic violence, but because of that, advocates say awareness and resources for them are scarce.
Erica Villa, associate director of community partnerships at Next Door Solutions, said she has seen an increase in the number of men coming to her organization for help in recent years.
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Helping men escape abusive relationships can be challenging, she said.
“What makes it challenging is the gender norms,” she said. “Culture plays a huge role in domestic violence … What does it mean to be a male and female in society?”
Often, those norms prevent men from admitting they are abused or stigmatize them seeking help, Villa said. Additionally, those norms are more prevalent in some cultures, such as Hispanic or Asian.
Roughly 25% of Santa Clara County residents are Hispanic, and more than 40% are Asian, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
Perla Flores, senior division director at Community Solutions, echoed the sentiment.
When women are abusers, Flores said, they are more likely to use tactics other than violence to abuse their partner — manipulation, emotional abuse, financial abuse. However, she said, the pathology is the same.
“Domestic violence happens in all partnerships. It is not about physical abuse,” Flores said. “It is about exerting power and control over your partner. It happens across every relationship, across all socioeconomic strata.”
Making matters worse is that — because women are more likely to be victims — many programs are designed specifically for them. Funding sources too are often earmarked for victimized women.
Further, it is rare that police are trained on how to handle domestic violence situations where men are the victims.
Maria Rosas has been leading Next Door Solutions’ men’s support group for a decade. The 14-week psychoeducation program teaches men how to spot the red flags of an abusive relationship.
She said there are four ways domestic violence ends: the cycle is broken, the abuser is imprisoned, the victim is hospitalized or the abuser kills the victim.
Given that men are less likely to call police or seek medical attention for domestic abuse injuries, the outlook is bleaker.
“It is very difficult socially for men to say they have been abused. It is embarrassing. There is a lot of shame,” she said. “Abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter if it is a man or woman.”
The group at Next Door Solutions has four goals.
The first priority is to validate victims’ experience, affirming that what they are suffering through is real. Next, counselors ensure victims are safe. Then, they make sure the victim knows his options to get help. Finally, they provide a support network, letting them know others have gone through the same thing
“Domestic violence it is a learned behavior,” Rosas said. “The only person that is responsible for the abuse is the abuser. Nobody starts a relationship thinking they are going to be in an abusive relationship.”
In 2024, the Santa Clara Police Department responded to 307 calls for domestic violence, according to police data. In 89 of those calls, police listed the victim as male.
While the challenges with addressing domestic violence against men are legion, Villa said the culture surrounding it is starting to turn a corner.
“We are starting to see a different trend. There is more conversation about the victimization of men,” Villa said. “There is more attention about creating that camaraderie with men the way they do with women.”
To secure support services for domestic abuse, visit https://www.nextdoorsolutions.org/ or https://www.communitysolutions.org/. Call the domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233.
Contact David Alexander at d.todd.alexander@gmail.com
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