A window, a tree, but no Santa for thee at Macy’s.
In a devastating blow to San Francisco’s already fragile sense of seasonal self-worth, Santa Claus will not be appearing at Macy’s Union Square this year.
After nearly eight decades of spreading holiday cheer, the retailer announced that St. Nick won’t come to its flagship Union Square location. Instead, he’ll embark on a 12-stop national tour beginning in Boston and concluding Dec. 21 at the chain’s Canoga Park location in Southern California.
Yes, Santa is coming to Canoga Park, and not to San Francisco.
When asked why Santa will not be gracing the city with his presence (presents?), a Macy’s spokesperson cited vague language about bringing Santa to “communities he hasn’t had a chance to appear in before.”
However, sources close to the jolly man’s inner circle offered some cookie crumbs of information as to why Santa is shirking San Francisco.
There were concerns that he would ask children to fund his seed-stage AI startup. Rumors abound that Santa is part of the wave of wannabe founders looking for capital for an AI-based side hustle. All he needs is $5 million to fund an AI agent that automates the tiresome process of holiday cheer.
The sixth-floor chimney was cited as a fire code violation. Inspectors determined that 80 years of soot accumulation violated at least 12 statutes. Unfortunately, Santa’s budget doesn’t include funds for fireproofing.
A union rep demanded better working conditions. After decades of sitting on wooden chairs while children kicked him in the shins, Santa and his representative successfully negotiated for what insiders describe as a “road tour with per diem.”
He is a Beya Alcaraz booster. Santa’s endorsement was one of the few qualifications the 29-year-old had for her brief tenure as District 4 supervisor. A source close to the San Francisco SPCA, which books shelter animals’ holiday window appearances (opens in new tab), barked twice when asked for comment.
Macy’s discovered that Santa hadn’t delivered 2.4 million promised wishes since 1947. Accounting found no paper trail. Santa blamed “supply-chain issues.”
He’s busy with the “One Battle After Another” Oscar campaign after the Christmas Adventurers Club placement. Former associates say the previously jolly St. Nick has “gone full Hollywood” after working with Leonardo DiCaprio and Sean Penn.
Climate activists confronted him about his carbon footprint. A reindeer-based delivery system, they argue, contributes to industrial-scale methane emissions. The national tour’s chartered aircraft was not mentioned as a counterpoint.
A focus group indicated that Gen Z children prefer a “Santa-like experience” delivered via TikTok. Two youths used an OpenAI group chat to convince executives that in-person interaction is “mid.” Plus, Santa is kinda freaked out by those AI toys.
Macy’s management learned that customers could book mall Santa experiences at 892 other shopping destinations. In the wake of Costco’s in-person dating experience, the company decided the long-cuffed-up Kris Kringle was just too un-single to mingle.
Santa’s 2010 firing still haunts the store’s memory. Macy’s executives reasoned that spreading the risk across 12 locations would prevent any single city from achieving the “Santa John” (opens in new tab) level of community devotion that led to a mild “Tonight Show” lampooning.
One too many requests for a pony. After the 47 millionth child asked for a pony, Santa reportedly told management he couldn’t emotionally handle another full season without risking “an incident.”
A Macy’s spokesperson declined to confirm any of these reasons, but noted that the store will remain open through 2026. This year’s holiday season will feature the Great Tree and window displays full of rescue puppies, albeit one considerably less magical sixth floor.