Now that the new year has arrived, my wife wants me to prepare a list of resolutions.
She insists it be a thoughtful account, one that I’d be sure to pursue.
So, as a dutiful husband, I proceeded to comply.
The first item on the list was my sworn commitment to give up alcohol.
My wife objected to the pledge, suggesting I don’t even drink.
She may be right, but that doesn’t account for future plans.
She insisted that such an assurance was an empty promise with zero value.
So I proceeded to pour myself a glass of wine, which she quickly wrenched from my hand.
“What else are you promising?” she queried. “Never to rob a bank?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I complained. Instead, I agreed to quit smoking.
“You don’t smoke!” she squawked. “And you don’t rob banks. The list has to be harmful habits you have but agree to discontinue. Or perhaps add something positive you don’t do now but promise to start.”
“You mean like joining a gym?” I queried.
“Exactly,” she said. “That would be an honorable pledge, but you need to add another word in addition to simply joining.”
“And what would that be?” I questioned.
“Participating,” she added.
She also wants me to amend my diet.
Carol and Frank Crisci host a New Year’s Day feast. (Irv Erdos / For The San Diego Union-Tribune)
I reluctantly agreed, but only if I she’d accept that I start a day after our visit to our dear friends who were hosting a fabulous New Year’s Day feast.
The New Year’s Day feast features a huge glazed ham. (Irv Erdos / For The San Diego Union-Tribune)
Carol and Frank Crisci prepare a huge baked ham, an assortment of deli meats and cheeses, shrimp cocktail, smoked salmon, deviled eggs, bread pudding, unlimited wine, Champagne, cocktails, sodas, juices and coffee, while guests add their own homemade treasures such as Rosemarie’s stuffed mushrooms, Kim’s herbed mashed potatoes, Judith’s shrimp ceviche, Crystal’s French toast casserole, Mary Beth’s fabulous cheesecake, Amelia’s pizzelle cookies, Marguerite’s southern-style black-eyed peas and my homemade bagels.
Let’s not forget cannoli, various pastries and dozens of homemade cookies also provided by our generous hosts.
An orchid tree in the Criscis’ yard. (Irv Erdos / For The San Diego Union-Tribune)
The hosts’ garden includes a koi pond. (Irv Erdos / For The San Diego Union-Tribune)
They honor their many guests in their beautiful home surrounded by a garden filled with flowers, fauna and colorful koi blissfully circling in a watery wonderland.
Fruit from a Buddha’s Hand tree. (Irv Erdos / For The San Diego Union-Tribune)
Add a forest of fruit trees including figs, lemons, oranges, grapefruit, peaches, pears and something called Buddha’s Hand, an unusual citrus tree whose fruit is often candied, but also serves as a unique and unusual adornment.
A Buddha’s Hand tree. (Irv Erdos / For The San Diego Union-Tribune)
Sadly, New Year’s Day is over, and my diet has begun. It’s overseen by my bride, which means no red meat, no potatoes, pasta, cake, pies, cookies, ice cream or happiness.
Fish has replaced most meats, but not if it’s breaded or fried. Chicken is OK as long as it’s baked or broiled. Salads are common as are steamed vegetables as long as they have no added butter.
Eggs remain acceptable for breakfast, but only if they’re boiled or poached. But no toast, jam, cereal, pancakes, French toast or joy.
After two weeks, I’ve sacrificed pleasure for a loss of only a couple of pounds.
Still, my bride demands I remain committed, insisting added weight reduction will eventually surface.
So I explored some statistics, and according to leading indicators, I should reach my ideal weight and be at the pinnacle of my health exactly three years past my life expectancy.
Happy new year, dear reader.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.