Remember that test that sunk its fangs into you or the final exam that nearly ended you? As we near the end of the semester, it’s inevitable that every UC Berkeley student will find themselves attacked by endless papers, labs and tests. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a trip out of UC Berkeley to visit Monsters University for the annual Dead Hunt, an evening where your most devious schoolwork transforms into the terrifying monsters we know them to be.
Group presentation: Three-headed dog
The Three-headed dog is the most rambunctious, annoying monster that roams campus. Its three yapping heads all have minds of their own, and none can get the others to do anything. Usually, when one talks, the other two have suddenly lost their voice. This monster doesn’t attack, because the heads simply can’t unite together to insight collective aggression. It feeds off procrastination and miscommunication and is known for humiliating its victims and making protesters on Sproul Plaza go mad. The only way to defeat this creature is by taking on the hunt all by yourself in a surprise attack.
Pop quizzes: Gargoyles
As the oldest monster on campus, the gargoyle knows just how to use your weakness against you and will sneak up on you when you least expect it. They possess the ability to change their form from rock hard stone to flesh, allowing them to fly high above you on campus. These monsters may not seem harmful, but repeated encounters will eventually wear you down, and they feed on the unprepared and forgetful. Their attacks are brief, for their endurance is low, but they will not be denied the opportunity to pursue you. Pro-tip — they’re scared off by large crowds, especially those in Wheeler 150, but they’ll pounce on you in your smaller class sections. In order to defeat these monsters, you must never leave your home unprepared, and always stay armed with a #2 pencil.
Essays: The kraken
The kraken can be found in the deep waterways of Strawberry Creek, slithering around innocent swimmers who are just trying to take a dip and enjoy a study break. This serpentine creature knows just how to drown you, so you must hold your breath and dive to the depths to defeat this monster. You will endure many crash outs, confusions and maybe an office hour consult with a graduate monster hunter. Those who succeed in hunting this monster possess a unique quality for organization, revision,patience and immense willpower.
Labs: Slime monster
The slime monster is a man-made creature that came to life in a lab experiment gone wrong. After escaping from its lab-coated student creators, this jello-like blob has been on the run ever since. Not only is it radioactive, it’s also known for poisoning the UC Berkeley Dining desserts with its toxic goop. This creature awakens at the same time every night for its poisoning spree, and will stalk you down into the very late hours of the night. You don’t want to cross this creature, for once you’ve stepped in its goop, you will get dragged down into the inescapable basements of Latimer Hall. So, throw on your pair of Berkeley goggles, and join the Undergraduate Research Apprentice Program’s mission to create a chemical that will extinguish the slime monster for good.
The final exam: Bigfoot
Berkeley Bigfoot eats bluebooks for breakfast! You won’t find a scarier or hairier beast in all of Monsters University. If you hear cries that sound like “RRR,” you know Berkeley Bigfoot is near. This monster seems harmless from afar, but the closer it approaches, the more sinister and ruthless you realize it really is. Berkeley Bigfoot resides deep in the forests of Grizzly Peak, spending its days hibernating and waiting for its victims to be at their highest stress levels before putting its foot down. It feeds on burnt-out and failed all-nighters, so steer clear of campus view points during the last week of the semester. It comes out every Dead Hunt, and spares no one from its wrath. The only way to tame this infamous campus monstrosity is to think on the spot and be able to perform under extreme stress.
Creative project: Centaur
This centaur that’s actually half-alpaca is known as the wisest, most reasonable monster on campus. It’s an appealing alternative to Bigfoot because of its calm, unassuming nature, however it rarely appears and is very hard to catch. Known for its trusting nature and timidness, if you’re lucky enough to come across one of these gems, expect that it will not put up a fight. However, it takes a certain level of cleverness and imaginative problem-solving to even get close enough to this monster to conquer it.
Next time you find yourself complaining about dead week, just be glad you’re not in the Dead Hunt, where refusing to lock in will cost you not just your grades, but your life.