My wife complains about my increased tendency toward, what she terms, lethargy.
She claims we don’t get out enough. Maybe take a walk. Go see a movie.
But I question why it’s necessary to ever leave the house.
Not when the mail is delivered to the door.
And the paper.
Plus there’s no need to do any grocery shopping since all the markets deliver.
Even if we’d want a pizza, fried chicken, or perhaps some Chinese food, they’re all happy to bring anything right to our door.
In just minutes.
I even use Amazon to purchase clothing.
And why bother to go to the movies when there are more flicks on the big screen than we’re able to watch?
Add sports.
And the news.
Or the soaps for my wife.
At no added cost.
And no charge for gas.
Not to mention, those movie tickets today are a small fortune.
Add the time and that extra expense, plus popcorn and a couple of sodas.
That’s a huge amount just to go to the movies, when it costs virtually nothing to watch TV at home.
“We need to get out once in a while,” my wife continues.
“We do,” I reply. “We have a lovely backyard with green grass.”
“That’s not what I mean by getting out. And it’s not grass,” she amends. “It’s artificial turf.”
“Grass needs mowing,” I defend, “a constant and unnecessary effort.”
“Not to mention,” I continue, “the added cost of fertilizer for actual grass. Our backyard, on the other hand, is where we can enjoy the sun, on a comfortable beach chair, with a sandwich, potato salad, and a cold drink.”
“You don’t get enough exercise,” my wife says. “You use the phone to order dinner, you consider retrieving the newspaper a workout, you’re in your underwear all day, and your definition of the great outdoors is our backyard.”
“And your point is?” I inquire.
“There’s nothing like a lovely day at the beach,” she replies.
“I have a few issues with the beach,” I say. “Like the sand, for example. It either winds up in my sandwich or worse.”
“That’s your big complaint, the sand?”
“The sand, the sea, the salt, the shells, and the sun. Otherwise the beach is great.”
“What’s the problem with the sun?” she questions. “A little bronze color would look great on you.”
“You call it bronze; I call it burn.”
“Are you suggesting you’d rather stay home?”
“That’s a big fat yes,” I reply.
She says she likes the beach, but she plants an umbrella in the sand to shield the sun, she won’t go in the water because she’s can’t swim, she doesn’t like waves, and she’s not very fond of sharks.
“Home is where we can order barbecued ribs,” I explain. “Also fried rice, maybe some egg foo young, moo shu, or shrimp with lobster sauce. Where football, baseball, basketball, and tennis, are on the big screen. Where there’s no cost for gas, no sand, no sea, and no sunburn.”
Just amazing athletes, armchairs, air conditioning, and Asian food.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.