Ho, ho, holy crap, it’s back.
SantaCon (opens in new tab) returns Saturday, bringing 10,000 or more red-and-white-clad Kris Kringles, Mrs. Clauses, and sexy elves to Union Square starting at noon. The revelers will fan out from there, crashing bars in Lower Nob Hill, the Marina, North Beach, and Polk Street throughout the evening.
If you’ve never been in a bar when a SantaCon crowd bursts through the door, let us attest: It’s an experience! SantaCon was born 30 years ago in San Francisco as a sort of pre-internet flash mob. It has spread worldwide, mutating into an orgy of excessive inebriation and behaviors that risk landing participants on the permanent naughty list.
Nothing like getting frisked in your full Santa outfit. | Source: Paul Kuroda for The Standard
Because SantaCon doesn’t have an official route, it can be tricky to avoid. If you don’t want your Saturday hang interrupted, give the center of town a wide berth.
Here are four alternatives for some early-afternoon holiday cheer, at bars that open early in neighborhoods likely to be Santa-free. And if you must go to Union Square, remember that SantaCon is free, so anyone claiming to sell tickets is a scammer.
The Sea Star
Santas prefer residential neighborhoods with lots of chimneys, right? So the odds of encountering some in postindustrial Dogpatch are slim. With its flocked blue wallpaper, the 117-year-old The Sea Star (opens in new tab) makes an ideal starting point for an afternoon of classy day-drinking with the squad. Open from 2 p.m., it’s the home of the Hot Buttered Love (opens in new tab), a warming, brandy-based seasonal cocktail, plus slices brought over from nearby Long Bridge Pizza.
Triton’s owner has a drink at The Sea Star. | Source: Carlos Avila Gonzalez/SF Chronicle/Getty ImagesMagnolia Brewing
Founded in 1997, Magnolia Brewing is back under independent ownership. | Source: Kelsey McClellan for The Standard
The unquestioned grandaddy of San Francisco brewpubs, which opened in 1997, was restored to independent ownership in March after a few years as part of a multinational beverage conglomerate. Once again the home of Proving Ground IPA and other craft favorites, Magnolia (opens in new tab) also happens to anchor one of the city’s premier shopping corridors. You’re going to want a break from all that thrifting somewhere, right? 1398 Haight St., Upper Haight
From there, make your own Upper Haight bar crawl:
Twin Peaks
If there’s one neighborhood that can repel the tacky onslaught of soused St. Nicks, it’s the Castro. And if there’s one bar where the fiercest queens congregate over martinis from 11 a.m. onward, it’s Twin Peaks (opens in new tab). Eternally elegant, with plate-glass windows made for people-watching, this is the place to get the day going with an Irish coffee and some delightfully malicious gossip. 401 Castro St., Castro
From there, make your own Castro bar crawl
Rikki’s (opens in new tab), 2223 Market St., opens at 11:30 a.m.
440 Castro (opens in new tab), 440 Castro St., opens at noon
Last Call, (opens in new tab) 3988 18th St., open at 1 p.m.
Casements
Casements in the Mission. | Source: Courtesy Nick Bellarosa
When the Santas head to the Mission, they usually stick to Valencia Street. This is great news for you, because it means you can check out the neighborhood’s best Irish bar, Casements (opens in new tab), which is doing a surprisingly fun Christmas pop-up. It’s all decked out like the house in “Home Alone,” complete with Kevin’s battle plan of booby traps and pictures of hapless wet bandits Marv and Harry. Head to the back patio after 2 p.m. for a pour of top-tier Guinness and a plate of curry fries, trusting that any errant Santas roaming the Mission will be elsewhere. 2351 Mission St., Mission
From there, make your own Mission bar crawl
Teeth (opens in new tab), 2323 Mission St., opens at noon
Latin American Club (opens in new tab), 3286 22nd St., opens at noon
Shotwells (opens in new tab), 3349 20th St., opens at 3:30 p.m.
Philosopher’s Club
Lastly, there’s the San Francisco neighborhood where no wobbly Santa is likely to tread: tony, under-the-radar West Portal, which has a surprising number of great bars, restaurants, and shops. The 65-year-old Philosopher’s Club (opens in new tab) next to the Muni station is a fantastic dive bar (cash only) where you’re more likely to encounter well-informed discussions about the origins of the Krampus myth than any bellicose Mrs. Clauses. Claim a spot at the bar as early as 10 a.m. 824 Ulloa St., West Portal
From there, make your own West Portal bar crawl
Binu Bonu (opens in new tab), 230 West Portal Ave., opens at 3 p.m.
The Sherwood (opens in new tab), 179 West Portal Ave., opens at 4 p.m.
Unwine’d (opens in new tab), 9 West Portal Ave., opens at 4 p.m.