California, here we come<\/a> \u2014 right back where sex started from. Covered wagons. Uncovered women. IQ rated by a tape measure. Hollywood. Fire hydrants spout seltzer. Bathtubs leave 14-karat rings. And Monday begins The California Post.<\/p>\nBig time? Classy? Rich? Please. Their minks have sable coats. Wallets? Classified as carry-on luggage. One high school\u2019s Our Lady of the Dow Jones Average.<\/p>\n
Agriculture? Please. It cultivated flowers like Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Hedy Lamarr, Rita Hayworth,\u00a0Sophia Loren, Audrey Hepburn, Lana Turner, Grace Kelly. Very few were born in a California manger. Those stalls are for Aston Martins.<\/p>\n
Ava Gardner? Her birth was in \u2014 ready? \u2014 Grabtown, N.C., which she quickly traded for a chauffeured Rolls plus a satisfying Sinatra who \u2014 boy, did he not have to be told which way to go.<\/p>\n
So: Why might California love the New York Post? Because \u2014 like an old boyfriend \u2014 it knows just what to do. Big stories. Big cars. Big bras. It fills those. It knows how to satisfy. And where. And how often. And how much.<\/p>\n
Plus it discovered gold. And not just in teeth or contracts. Diggers schlepped out to Sutter\u2019s Mill in 1849 armed with pans just to grab nuggets. Waste of time. With less exertion the females could\u2019ve just married that cash register who owns Amazon.<\/p>\n
California? GREAT! It\u2019s big, beautiful, sunny, warm, important, rich, famous, it\u2019s Hollywood, LA, Sacramento, San Francisco, San Diego, San Fernando, San Bernardino, San Jose, San Simeon, San everything, big trees, big careers, big asses, big homes, some of which are paid for. It raises apricots, almonds, peaches, nectarines, a few oranges, boobs, oy vice presidents. Treasurers need money? They just call a neighbor. Need brilliantine for an aging scalp? No problem. Buy Beverly Hills.<\/p>\n
And why would our God-bless-us NY Post want to schlep westward ho!? Because Californians have money to burn. It\u2019s cheaper than gas.<\/p>\n
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Ask how come\u00a0Pelosi\u00a0entered the state with nothing and turned up a millionaire. Me, just asking.<\/p>\n
Everyone loved the California idea. Me, when the subject first came up, I voted instead for Montana. I heard rumors that people from Butte can actually read. You just had to enlarge the print a little. Born there \u2014 Gary Cooper,\u00a0Michelle Williams,\u00a0Dana Carvey, some eventually moved to California. And although it doesn\u2019t come up often, Bo Diddley\u2019s birth name is Otha Bates.<\/p>\n
California. It has Rolls-Royce tricycles, Gucci Christmas trees. It\u2019s got trees, sun, pools, divorce lawyers, actors with names that start with Rock, Kirk, Clark. A Mergetroyd Junior it doesn\u2019t have.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s \u2018Ha Ha\u2019 Land<\/p>\n
Newbie to LA: \u201cMy house has 50 rooms. I even got an 18-hole golf course.\u201d Friend: \u201cInside\u00a0the house?\u201d<\/p>\n
Stunned by all the beautiful women in Hollywood, this brand-new resident \u2014 fresh from his big old country house \u2014 said: \u201cI feel badly. I just cheated on my wife.\u201d His friend asked: \u201cHow many times?\u201d He growled: \u201cHow should I know. I\u2019m an editor not an accountant.\u201d<\/p>\n
Two amateur hunters \u2014 new to the California scenery \u2014 were driving deep into the wooded countryside. Suddenly they saw a sign that said: \u201cBear Left.\u201d So they went home.<\/p>\n
SO, to my buddies: Welcome to California, kids, where the rents are as high as an elephant\u2019s eye \u2014 and so are the skirts \u2014 and do not make the mistake of asking a local: \u201cWhat wine goes best with Alpo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Only in LA, kids, only in LA.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Winging into City of Angels California, here we come \u2014 right back where sex started from. Covered wagons.…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":143993,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[7,9,8,47,63758,975],"class_list":{"0":"post-143992","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-california","8":"tag-california","9":"tag-california-headlines","10":"tag-california-news","11":"tag-los-angeles","12":"tag-new-york-post","13":"tag-opinion"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143992","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=143992"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143992\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/143993"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=143992"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=143992"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=143992"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}