In living rooms and kitchens across the Sacramento region, difficult conversations are unfolding as families face one of life\u2019s most emotional transitions: caring for an aging loved one who needs more help than you can give.<\/p>\n
For Elk Grove resident April Sullivan, that moment came unexpectedly \u2014 but with unusual clarity.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy father called me up out of the blue one day and said, \u2018I\u2019m tired of living alone. I think I should go to an assisted living facility. And I don\u2019t think I should be driving anymore, either,\u2019\u201d Sullivan recalled.<\/p>\n
For months, Sullivan had been driving an hour away to help her father. His decision to be admitted into care brought relief \u2014 but not without emotional weight. Sullivan calls her family some of the \u201clucky ones\u201d and stays positive; her father made the decision on his own and had resources.<\/p>\n
\u201cStill, it was kind of nerve-wracking,\u201d she said. \u201cIt was like sending your kid off to kindergarten for the first day.\u201d<\/p>\n
Even when a loved one makes the choice, the transition can stir guilt, doubt and family tension, Sullivan remembered. Some of her relatives initially resisted having her father go outside the home for care. \u201cThey just couldn\u2019t handle it,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had to tell them, \u2018It\u2019s really not your decision \u2014 it\u2019s Dad\u2019s.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Caregiving can affect family dynamics<\/p>\n
Not every family has such a smooth transition. Caregiving often reshapes family roles and brings intense emotional strain.<\/p>\n
Sullivan remembers constant worry and questions in the early days: \u201cWill he make friends? Will he be comfortable? Will he be able to find his way around?\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Even after the move, the responsibility did not disappear.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery time I visit, I feel like it\u2019s not enough,\u201d she said, sitting barefoot in a warm home sipping coffee in front of photos of her family\u2019s memories.<\/p>\n
Caregivers need care too<\/p>\n
Sullivan insisted that self-care is not just optional for a caregiver, it\u2019s mandatory.<\/p>\n
At first, she tried to manage everything alone, checking on her father\u2019s care, doing laundry, coordinating needs. Eventually, she reached a breaking point and found resources.<\/p>\n
It was like the oxygen mask on an airplane metaphor: \u201cYou have to take care of yourself first or you have nothing to give,\u201d she said. Sullivan began having conversations with her siblings to pitch in. She got free counseling sessions. The results were immediate.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had more energy. I was happier. I had more patience,\u201d she said. \u201cYou have to step away from that space sometimes. It weighs on you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Self-care can be life-or-death need<\/p>\n
Another Sacramento area resident, Carla Keen, moved her mother from a home in Los Angeles to long-term care four years ago. She recognized immediately the need for self-care.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a life-or-death move,\u201d she said. \u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cI needed to protect my life. I needed to make sure I stayed married,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s too much. \u2026 You need to get away. Even if it\u2019s just having a cup of coffee by yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Keen noted that opening up to friends and neighbors about your situation can pay off. She found out about the UC Davis Healthy Aging Clinic while talking to a neighbor. Both Sullivan and Keen\u2019s parents were eligible for referral from their physicians within the UC Davis system.<\/p>\n
\t\tKeep up with Community Reporters<\/p>\n
Stories from Abridged by PBS KVIE Community Reporters are regularly featured in our morning newsletter.<\/p>\n
Getting help with emotions<\/p>\n
There is a wealth of resources for caretakers of patients referred by UC Davis physicians or on eligible health plans<\/a>, said Anna Satake, who coordinates care at Davis\u2019 Healthy Aging Clinic. Satake is an registered nurse, has a doctorate in geriatric practice and is an assistant clinical professor at the Betty Irene Moore School of Nursing.<\/p>\n \u201cNot everyone has the emotional capability to be at a bedside,\u201d Satake said. One of the hardest struggles is breaking promises, which poses a moral dilemma: \u201cDo I break my word to act in my loved one\u2019s best interest?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTill death do us part is sometimes unrealistic,\u201d Satake said. \u201cHow do you meet that promise when you yourself are facing health conditions, not sleeping at night because your loved one is wandering. Sometimes you need to give yourself permission to break that promise.\u201d<\/p>\n While caregiving can feel isolating, it doesn\u2019t take Cadillac health insurance to get caregiver support. Sacramento\u2019s\u00a0Del Oro Caregiver Resource Center<\/a> provides free, specialized services to support family caregivers of adults with chronic conditions or diagnoses like dementia and stroke.<\/p>\n \u201cWe developed our services based upon what we were hearing from clients,\u201d said Michelle Nevins, executive director. \u201cWe can be someone who understands what caregivers are going through and provide resources and a listening ear.\u201d \u00a0Del Oro provides a wide range of free services including family consultation, case management, respite care, short-term counseling, education and legal and financial consultation.<\/p>\n Del Oro\u2019s 13-county service area includes Alpine, Amador, Calaveras, Colusa, El Dorado, Nevada, Placer, Sacramento, San Joaquin, Sierra, Sutter, Yolo and Yuba counties.<\/p>\n Aging and memory loss often go together. Nevins very often help families whose loved ones are dealing with memory loss.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s difficult,\u201d Nevins said. \u201cYou\u2019re slowly losing the person that you once knew; they\u2019re leaving you before your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n Caregivers need mental health support as much as their loved ones, she said. Both UC Davis\u2019 Healthy Aging Clinic and Del Oro Caregiver Resources coordinate mental health counseling for caregivers.<\/p>\n Satake too has seen families struggle with their emotions. \u00a0\u201cWhen the person doesn\u2019t remember that you were just there yesterday, it can be heartbreaking,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n When dealing with brain issues like dementia, both Satake and Nevins advised against arguing with the person or correcting their reality. Sometimes little white lies are OK if the goal is to comfort, they said.<\/p>\n Sullivan had that experience with her father, who imagined there was a hole in the ground in front of him.<\/p>\n She got creative.<\/p>\n \u201cIf he thinks there\u2019s a hole in the ground, you say, \u2018Let\u2019s go get a shovel and fill it in.\u2019\u201d The goal, she said, is comfort \u2014 not winning an argument.<\/p>\n Imperfect is OK<\/p>\n When life throws a string of curveballs, it\u2019s OK to drop one or two. For Sullivan and Keen, caregiving has been a journey filled with trial and error, but also moments of clarity.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not always going to feel like you\u2019re doing enough,\u201d Sullivan said. \u201cSometimes just being there is the best thing.\u201d<\/p>\n Letting go of guilt<\/p>\n As a Japanese American, Carla Keen said that guilt is a common feeling for caregivers \u2014 one that can be intensified by cultural expectations.<\/p>\n \u201cGood children take their parents in,\u201d she said.\u00a0 Navigating those feelings, she left her career as a teacher and educator to provide care to her mother. \u201cNot everyone can do that,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s guilt with making decisions like selling homes, giving up driving or making medical choices.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s still not easy; Keen almost had to cancel this interview because her mother fell. Luckily, she wasn\u2019t injured.<\/p>\n More resources<\/p>\n Kaiser Permanente offers its patients and families information on caregiver resources<\/a>. Local assistance is also available through\u00a0ACC Senior Services<\/a>, which provides in-home respite care, Meals on Wheels, transportation and utility assistance, and friendly visitor and check-in programs.<\/p>\n James Smith\u00a0is a member of the Abridged Community Reporters program. A retired nurse investigator for the state of California, James studies French and bikes along the American River Parkway in his free time. He lives in Midtown with his husband of 26 years.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"The Abridged version: Caregivers face an array of challenges when trying to balance caring for a loved one…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":293115,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[121,123,122],"class_list":["post-293114","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-sacramento","tag-sacramento","tag-sacramento-headlines","tag-sacramento-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293114","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=293114"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293114\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/293115"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=293114"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=293114"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=293114"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/A7C00133-1024x576.jpg.webp.webp\")
Anna Satake coordinates care at the UC Davis Healthy Aging Clinic. (James Smith)<\/p>\n