We\u2019d progressed from walking in the park to perching across from each other in my living room to sitting side by side on the family room sofa. It was grief that drew us. A year earlier we\u2019d both lost our beloved, vibrant spouses to cancer. Though his wife and I had been in the same women\u2019s book group, I\u2019d known Eric only through the wry gripes we\u2019d all made about our husbands. <\/p>\n
Now he took my face in his hands. Here it comes, I thought. Was I ready for this? Looking deep into my eyes he asked, \u201cWould you nap with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Apparently, this was what dating looked like in one\u2019s 60s. As he snored companionably, I wondered how I\u2019d handle our next progression, whatever that would be. My husband had devotedly nursed me through my own illness, only to be hit by one far worse. We and our two sons had been the closest of families, their father their best friend. As much as I knew they needed me, I was racked by survivor\u2019s guilt \u2014 ashamed still to be alive. If I was mortified just to breathe, how could I even think about loving another man?<\/p>\n
For months, Eric and I lurked about. Although he lacked the sense I had that we were cheating on our spouses, we both felt we were somehow cheating on our children. That his one child and my two were often at our respective homes made for tricky logistics. So we leased new life from the city.<\/p>\n
Guided by Eric, we watched planes from the viewing deck at the Santa Monica Airport<\/a>, where he explained Bernoulli\u2019s principle. We wandered the Mar Vista Farmer\u2019s Market, where he introduced me to the vendors he\u2019d known for decades and taught me to top berry trays with tiny nets he\u2019d made to hold the fruit in place. We saw L.A. Theater Works<\/a> record plays at UCLA\u2019s Melnitz Hall, where the primal storytelling of actors reading lines and Foley artists adding sounds riveted me more than a Broadway spectacle. On these outings, I learned not just about flight, farm-to-table and fabulism, but about Eric. He was a man fully engaged in life.<\/p>\n Guided by me, we took classes at Santa Monica Yoga<\/a>, Eric treating himself afterward to a sandwich at Bob\u2019s Market from the deservedly self-proclaimed Deli Lama<\/a>. We walked our way through my L.A.-on-foot book, from Castellammare and Leimert Park to Pasadena, delighting in the architectural mashup Nathanael West derided in \u201cThe Day of the Locust\u201d as \u201cMexican ranch houses, Samoan huts, Mediterranean villas\u201d and \u201cEgyptian and Japanese temples.\u201d Eric especially admired the Witch\u2019s House in Beverly Hills, the Shakespeare Bridge in Franklin Hills and the stained glass windows in Carthay Circle. He learned not just about poses, pastrami and parapets, but about me. I was a woman fully engaged in life.<\/p>\n We also learned we were both determined to seize the day after seeing the rest of our spouses\u2019 days seized from them. My guilt persisted. But this good man had found a route from the sofa to the city to my heart.<\/p>\n We finally met each other\u2019s children. The days we seized became weeks, months and years. Our sons, though forever brokenhearted, thrived. Mine had children of their own, all with names that begin with \u201cA\u201d to honor their father. The oldest, at four, understands from photos that she has another grandpa, understands that the man in the picture is her daddy\u2019s daddy. Her parents and I tell her about him: his kindness, grace, humor, wisdom. \u201cI wish I could have known him,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n \u201cI do too,\u201d I say, \u201cmore than anything.\u201d When the others are old enough, we\u2019ll tell them, too, about him. They\u2019ll feel his essence because their fathers are just like him. He\u2019ll stay, this way, in and around us.<\/p>\n Ever-gracious, Eric holds this space for him, as I try to do for his wife with their son. But becoming a grandmother only increased my guilt. My husband, consummate family man, was born to be a grandfather. Yet here I was, without him, flying high on the joy of grandparenting. What could I do besides love the children and grandchildren fiercely and be grateful for the privilege?<\/p>\n I could do this: recognize that if it takes a village to raise a child, the more villagers who love the child the better. My lucky grandchildren will feel their grandfather\u2019s love by proxy and Eric\u2019s love firsthand. They can even enjoy the love of Eric\u2019s son, who patiently helps them build Lego worlds and cooks them their favorite soup.<\/p>\n Even as he holds space for my husband, Eric affectionately fills his own. He\u2019s a tall man with a deep voice, an easy laugh and a warm embrace. He marvels at the latest evidence of the grandchildren\u2019s genius, like any grandfather should, and spoils them with treats and toys. He\u2019s so handy around their houses that my grandson greets him with, \u201cWhat\u2019re you gonna fix today?\u201d<\/p>\n His most recent project involved the crib my husband and I had saved from our sons\u2019 infancy with the hope that grandchildren would one day use it. Since the distance between slats was now deemed unsafe, Eric transformed the crib into blocks. \u201cI wanted to honor the spirit of what you\u2019d both wished for,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n Then and now. Loss and gain. Selfless love.<\/p>\n For years now, Eric and I have both lived in my house. There are still naps, but more bustle. Our sons live close enough that we\u2019re together a lot, and my house tends to be the happy hub. The grandchildren play near photos of their grandpa. Their \u201cA\u201d names ring out in this home where we raised their fathers. Meanwhile, Eric pulls them around on a rug he rigged as a magic carpet and helps stack the blocks into towers. When the grandchildren leave, he hugs them tight. My guilt remains, like pain in a phantom limb, but the sofa holds us all.<\/p>\n The author is a law school professor, researcher and author of an upcoming book on the scientifically proven neural superpowers of grandmothers. She lives on the Westside. She\u2019s on Instagram @rondafoxwrites<\/a>, and her website is rondafox.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n L.A. Affairs<\/a> chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com<\/a>. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here<\/a>. <\/p>\n