![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/shayna-150x150.jpg\")
Shayna Kaufmann (Family photo)<\/p>\nShayna Kaufmann (Family photo)<\/p>\n
I have a ring that says,\u00a0\u201cI am enough.\u201d\u00a0There is a sticker on my refrigerator that says,\u00a0\u201cYou have always been enough.\u201d\u00a0And, if I ever get another tattoo, it might just be a vine with flowers, spelling the word \u201cenough.\u201d<\/p>\n
Apparently, one reminder isn\u2019t \u201cenough.\u201d \ud83d\ude42 (Cue chuckle)<\/p>\n
\u201cEnoughness\u201d has been a theme for me for most of my life. I\u2019ve talked about it with more than one therapist and more than one Zen teacher. I\u2019ve \u201csat\u201d with the uncomfortable sensations of \u201cnot-enoughness\u201d during many meditation retreats, written about it, and tried to understand the origin of this pernicious belief.<\/p>\n
Though I\u2019m certain that wasn\u2019t the beginning, I can trace at least part of it back to when I was 12.<\/p>\n
It was summer between sixth and seventh grade, when I took up jogging with my dad. We ran every day\u2014or, more accurately, at 10 at night to survive the New Orleans heat. We started by running from one streetlight to the next, worked our way up to a mile, and were running 10Ks within months.<\/p>\n
When I returned to school, my body had changed. I was leaner and fit. And people noticed.\u00a0A lot.<\/p>\n
Friends and, more disturbingly (yes, I meant to write that), even teachers commented about my changed appearance. I received all kinds of attention about how great I looked. Mind you, I wasn\u2019t heavy before I started running. I was a average\u00a0weight and shape.<\/p>\n
Though of course I enjoyed the attention, I vividly remember wondering:\u00a0What was wrong with me before?\u00a0If\u00a0this\u00a0version of me was worthy of so much attention and approval, what did that say about this same girl three months earlier? Nothing has changed internally; just my shell.<\/p>\n
This experience was the beginning of a complicated relationship with weight and exercise and of something bigger that took root:\u00a0The idea that I was not inherently enough. That there was a better version of me I needed to become in order to be seen.<\/p>\n
I wonder how many of you can trace your own version of \u201cnot-enoughness\u201d back to moments like this: A comment about your appearance, being picked or left out, a parent\u2019s praise or criticism. Such moments, though seemingly innocuous, can have a lasting impact.<\/p>\n
For me, the specifics of my insufficiency changed, but not the pursuit: Straight A\u2019s, being in the popular group, advanced degrees, a prestigious career,\u00a0leadership roles, etc.<\/p>\n
And I know I\u2019m hardly alone in this. For so many women, \u201cenoughness\u201d can become a lifelong measuring stick. Are we good enough partners, daughters, mothers, workers, friends, volunteers? Are we attractive enough? Successful enough? Generous enough?<\/p>\n
Being stellar at everything is, of course, impossible. It\u2019s also a perfect setup for failure. And failure gives that little not-enough voice exactly the ammunition it\u2019s looking for.<\/p>\n
And even if we somehow managed to excel at everything, it still wouldn\u2019t quiet that inner voice for long. Because\u00a0being \u201cenough\u201d is a moving target when we\u2019re looking outside ourselves for proof of it. We just keep raising the bar.<\/p>\n
Midlife has definitely softened my relationship with all of this. I care far less about what other people think of me and I\u2019ve mostly stopped using externally imposed measuring sticks of success. I\u2019m much more interested in someone\u2019s inner world than their accomplishments.<\/p>\n
But \u201cnot-enoughness\u201d is sneaky. Like us, it gets more sophisticated with age.\u00a0For me, especially as I approached 60, it became:\u00a0Have I done enough with my life? Have I served enough? Made enough of an impact? Helped enough people?<\/p>\n
I was existentially grappling with this last year, especially around the release of my book which I hoped would reach and help more women, when along came cancer.<\/p>\n
And with my diagnosis, came more external validation of my worth than I could ever have imagined. Love poured in. People showed up for me in extraordinary ways\u2014family, friends, acquaintances, people I hadn\u2019t heard from in years, people who knew me through my work. I received messages telling me what I had meant to them, how my words or work had impacted their lives, and how much I had inspired them.<\/p>\n
In some ways, I received the very evidence I\u2019d spent a lifetime unconsciously seeking:\u00a0I matter. I\u2019ve made a difference.This gorgeous avalanche of love and affirmation was\u2014and continues to be\u2014one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.<\/p>\n
If external validation could ever settle the question of \u201cenoughness,\u201d surely this would have done it. So, did it permanently cure my lifelong \u201cenoughness\u201d issue? Of course not.<\/p>\n
I still sometimes compare myself to others, want someone\u2019s approval, or wonder whether something I\u2019ve done (like this blog for example) is good enough. And here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n
This whole not-enough head trip is based on a faulty premise that we aren\u2019t enough to begin with. The problem isn\u2019t that I lack proof of my \u201cenoughness.\u201d The problem is believing I needed it in the first place.<\/p>\n
What if\u2014newsflash\u2014we were enough all along?\u00a0Not because we\u2019ve accomplished enough, been loved by enough people, or finally become the version of ourselves we thought we were supposed to be.\u00a0 But because \u201cenoughness\u201d was never something to achieve. It was never a prize waiting for us at the end of a lifetime of striving. Maybe that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been trying to understand all these years.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll still keep the ring and the sticker. Maybe I\u2019ll even get that tattoo someday. But not because I need to convince myself that I\u2019m enough. I\u2019ll keep them as reminders that I always was.<\/p>\n
So, let\u2019s stop looking for evidence of our \u201cenoughness\u201d or \u201cnot-enoughness.\u201d\u00a0Let\u2019s stop trying to prove our worth. Let\u2019s declare that enough is enough.<\/p>\n
Because each of us\u2014intrinsically\u2014has always been enough.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
Shayna Kaufmann, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist based in San Diego.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Shayna Kaufmann (Family photo) I have a ring that says,\u00a0\u201cI am enough.\u201d\u00a0There is a sticker on my refrigerator…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":457656,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28],"tags":[74,76,75],"class_list":["post-457655","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-san-diego","tag-san-diego","tag-san-diego-headlines","tag-san-diego-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/457655","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=457655"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/457655\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457656"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=457655"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=457655"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=457655"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}