{"id":492373,"date":"2026-10-11T07:08:38","date_gmt":"2026-10-11T07:08:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/492373\/"},"modified":"2026-10-11T07:08:38","modified_gmt":"2026-10-11T07:08:38","slug":"my-husband-fell-in-love-with-a-new-woman-i-felt-a-strange-relief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/492373\/","title":{"rendered":"My husband fell in love with a new woman. I felt a strange relief"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

When the Rose Caf\u00e9 closed<\/a>, I felt as if someone had removed a landmark from the map of my romantic life. Not because I had fallen in love there, but because I had done something much stranger: I had taken my husband and his girlfriend there, then frequented the same cafe to meet men from dating apps.<\/p>\n

The Rose Caf\u00e9 sat on Rose Avenue near the Santa Monica border, close enough to my apartment that I could walk. For decades, it had been a funky hippie beach place, then it became chic and considerably more expensive. I continued going anyway. I liked the familiar walk, the casual energy and the feeling that I could relax there.<\/p>\n

That walkability was why I lived near Main Street in the first place. My husband, Tony, and I spent five years in Florence, Italy, where walking was part of daily life. I could step outside for coffee, dinner or a quick errand. When we returned to Los Angeles, I dreaded becoming dependent on a car for everything. I told Tony I would live in Santa Monica only if we could be near Main Street.<\/p>\n

From our apartment, I could reach five coffee shops, more nail salons than any person could reasonably need, clothing stores, restaurants and the beach. On Sundays, Tony and I had our choice of four bars showing football. We were Seattle Seahawks fans, and we could usually find a few other loyalists in blue and green to cheer with us.<\/p>\n

That was our Santa Monica: walking, football, coffee, the beach and the life we had built after more than 40 years of marriage.<\/p>\n

Then Alzheimer\u2019s began changing Tony. The man who had been my husband, lover, sports companion and partner became increasingly a different and unappealing obligation. I became his interpreter, driver, scheduler, protector and caregiver. I still loved him, but our marriage was nothing like the marriage I had vowed to protect.<\/p>\n

After it progressed to an unbearable point, we moved Tony into assisted living. I wanted him to have friends there to take the pressure off me.<\/p>\n

I went there daily to help him socialize. I even organized outings for his table mates, calling them Seniors on the Run. We went to a museum each week and saw the latest films.<\/p>\n

The first time I truly saw Tony and his new friend-turned-girlfriend as a couple was when I took them to a museum. They walked behind me, close together, absorbed in each other. To be quite honest, I had singled her out at the assisted living facility for her good looks and \u201cnormality.\u201d Even though I was OK with a romance for him, it was still very odd witnessing my husband court and fall in love with another woman.<\/p>\n

The situation was disorienting but a relief. She could give Tony uncomplicated affection and attention at a time when nearly every interaction between him and me had become tangled with ever-increasing confusion and fear.<\/p>\n

I did not stop being his wife, but he was no longer my husband. I continued managing his care and protecting him, but I also did not want to take away something that brought him happiness.<\/p>\n

His girlfriend had a home in Santa Monica and loved the Rose Caf\u00e9. So I took them there and was totally unnecessary, except when it came time to pay the bill. The three of us occupied a triad relationship most people don\u2019t experience: a wife, husband and husband\u2019s girlfriend.<\/p>\n

There was no correct vocabulary for what we were doing. People understood marriage. They understood divorce and widowhood. They did not understand being devoted to a husband who was still alive while grieving the relationship Alzheimer\u2019s had already taken.<\/p>\n

Watching Tony find companionship forced me to confront my own loneliness. If I believed he deserved affection, did I believe the same about myself? Could I care for him without losing my own life? After decades of writing books and advising others about relationships, I entered the world of dating apps in my 70s.<\/p>\n

The Rose Caf\u00e9 became my preferred meeting place. It was public, familiar and within walking distance of home. One Sunday, I scheduled three app meetups there. I felt a bit awkward when I checked in with the same host for my second \u201cdate,\u201d so I explained the situation to assure him that I was not a sex worker.<\/p>\n

He was young enough to be far more accustomed to app dates than to the idea of a \u201cworking woman\u201d loitering in a restaurant and putting on fresh lipstick for the next \u201cJohn.\u201d<\/p>\n

He took it in stride. This was Los Angeles, after all. Everyone was waiting for someone, auditioning for something or trying on a new version of life.<\/p>\n

Dating did not diminish my love for Tony. Tony\u2019s girlfriend did not negate our long and beautiful marriage. The relationships existed beside each other, awkwardly but honestly. For a while, Tony and I were romantically alive, just not with each other.<\/p>\n

Now Tony is gone, and the Rose Caf\u00e9 is closed. I still live one block from Main Street. Most days, usually around sunset, I walk on the beach as therapy. The ocean gives me somewhere to place thoughts that feel too large for my apartment.<\/p>\n

Living here also keeps pulling me outside. I go to an early happy hour, sit at the bar and talk to people. When I write, I sometimes take my computer with me so I will not become isolated. I have not met a man while walking down Main Street, although I remain open to the possibility.<\/p>\n

Santa Monica once gave Tony and me a shared life we could reach on foot. Later, it gave his girlfriend and me the same cafe, each of us loving him in a different way. Now it gives me a reason to leave the apartment, walk toward the water and remain part of the world.<\/p>\n

I once thought fidelity meant staying inside the life Tony and I had built together. Alzheimer\u2019s taught me that love can also mean accepting when that life changes, protecting the happiness that remains and allowing yourself to keep walking.<\/p>\n

The author has written several books including her latest, \u201cHow Not To Stay Single When … Your Husband Has Alzheimer\u2019s and Two Girlfriends.\u201d She also founded TheFlorentine.net<\/a>, the English language magazine in Florence, Italy.<\/p>\n

L.A. Affairs<\/a> chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com<\/a>. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here<\/a>. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"When the Rose Caf\u00e9 closed, I felt as if someone had removed a landmark from the map of…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":492374,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[44662,3895,174,16221,29897,4264,48,52,51,47,50,49,4284,8729,23995,191811,191813,191812,16071,13343,4609],"class_list":["post-492373","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-los-angeles","tag-alzheimer","tag-apartment","tag-beach","tag-coffee","tag-daily-life","tag-husband","tag-la","tag-la-headlines","tag-la-news","tag-los-angeles","tag-los-angeles-headlines","tag-los-angeles-news","tag-love","tag-main-street","tag-marriage","tag-new-girlfriend","tag-rose-cafe","tag-santa-monica-border","tag-tony","tag-walking","tag-wife"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/492373","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=492373"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/492373\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/492374"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=492373"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=492373"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=492373"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}